R64: A Dose of Dr. Mario/Transcript

This is a transcript for Retarded64: A Dose of Dr. Mario.

Transcript
''[The blooper opens with the shot of a large building. Cut to inside a room, a man in sitting at a desk. Behind him is a blackboard that reads, "Medical school exam finals!". Suddenly, Mario dressed in a white doctor's outfit bursts through a wall]     ''

Mario: ♫I am Doctor Mario and I am saving lives-♫

Test Proctor: SHUT THE F*CK UP!

Mario: Mamaf*ck-

[Cut to Mario and a Shy Guy taking a test]                 

Mario: ...Damn it I have absolutely no idea what's going on.

Shy Guy: YEAH TOAST!

Text: 1 hour of nothing later

[Mario is shown naked on a desk, dancing and singing]

Shy Guy: YEAH TOAST!

''[An alarm goes off and Mario's test is thrown at him, knocking him back. He picks up the clipboard]''

Mario: Ooooooooooh....

[Triumphant music plays and Mario proudly hold up his test, which is obscured by big red letters spelling "FAILED"]

Transition song: ♫Dr. Mario!♫

[Mario is in an office in a hospital playing Surgeon Simulator 2013]

Random Man: DOCTOR! HELP NOOOW!

Dr. Mario: WHAT IS IT?!

[A man is shown having a seizure]

Dr. Mario: OH MY GOD! Here we go! [picks up guy] The power of Satan- *looks shocked as he corrects himself* I mean Jesus-COMPELS YOU! [Mario throws the patient into a glass wall]

Dr. Mario: Wa-ha! ...Alright, get out.

Transition song: ♫Dr. Mario!♫

[A Koopa is on a gurney]

Nurse: WE NEED 50CC's OF ONEG STAT!

Nurse 2: DOCTOR!

 Dr. Mario' : 'Hm?

[The koopa is thrown at Mario]

Nurse 3: GO GO GO!

Dr. Mario: Great! I'll grab my stuff! *runs off screen*

[seconds later]

Nurse: Dr. Mario! Is the patient all....uh....doctor?

[Mario is seen throwing the Koopa off the roof]

Koopa: MOMMY!!!!!!!!

Dr. Mario: You're free! GO TO MEXICO!

Transition song: ♫Dr. Mario!♫

''[Mario is walking and humming when he comes across a crying little girl. The girl dropped her ice cream.]''

Dr. Mario: I got it! Hey! *Mario pulls out some pills* Have some candy!  

''[A police car comes and hits the girl, knocking her away. Mario is ambushed and beaten by cops]''

Cops: Stahp Right There!

Transition song: ♫Dr. Mario!♫

[The Shy Guy is shaking violently]

Shy Guy: YEAH TOAST! TOAST! TOOOOOOAAAAAAAASSSSSTTTT!

Nurse: Where's the doctor and the heart transplant?

[Mario is assualting a drink machine, screaming incoherently like AGK]

'''Dr. Mario: Grrr! My five coins! Where's my water bottle?! Mama f*cker!

''[Link appears and offers Mario a water bottle. Mario trades the heart he needs for surgery for the bottle, only to find it's empty] ''

Dr. Mario : FFFFFFFFFFF********CCC--!

Transition song: ♫Dr. Mario!♫

[Mario is standing in his office]

Luigi: Mario! I'm-a Doctor Luigi! Number-a one!

[Mario takes Luigi's cap and throws in to the floor] [A shrinking noise could be heard]

Luigi: [sadly] My hat...

Transition song: ♫Dr. Mario!♫

''[Mario is outside Peach's Castle, he encounters a virus. He throws pills at it, but it deosn't work. Mario then pulls out a minigun and begins shooting the virus with pills]''

Mario:   La La La La, La La La La La

''[Dr. Mario encounters a Yellow virus.]''

 Yellow Virus:  [evil laughs]

Dr. Mario:  Oh hell no!

''[Dr. Mario and the yellow virus prepare to fight.]''

Text:  ROUND 1

Dr. Mario:  Wa-hoo! Here we go!

''[Dr. Mario throws a pill at the virus, it hits the virus, but not very effective.]]''

 Yellow Virus:  [evil laughs]

Dr. Mario:  You backstabber bastard!!!

Dr. Mario:  Phil's here!

''[Dr. Mario then pulls out a minigun and begins shooting the virus with pills.] ''

Dr. Mario:  INCOMING...

[The yellow virus screams while getting shot with pills.]

 Yellow Virus:  [screaming] AAAAAAAAAAAHHH...

Transition song: ♫Dr. Mario!♫

[Mario is crawling]

Dr. Mario: [moans] I'm-a tired! [finds a pill] Oh! Yummy! ''[eats pill, starts having hallucinations. After which, a person with Mr. Mackey's voice tells the viewer to not do drugs]''

Transition song: ♫Dr. Mario!♫

[Mario is walking down a hall when he sees a lollipop stuck to a man's a$$, he crawls towards it]

Dr. Mario: Oh... I'm going to lick your...

[The man turns around, shocked.]

Man: Pervert!

[Mario is ambushed by cops again]

Cops: Get him!

Transition song: ♫Dr. Mario!♫

(Link is face down in a pool of blood]

Bystander: OH MY GOD! IS ANYBODY HERE A DOCTOR?!

[Everyone stares as Mario quietly leaves the scene]

Transition song: ♫Dr. Mario!♫

[Mario walks up to an Old Man]

Dr. Mario: Hello! It's-a me, Mar-

[The Old Man starts blubbering]

Dr. Mario: *confused* Hmm?

[The Old Man pulls out a PokeBall, blubbering again]

Dr. Mario: What the f**k are you talkin' about-

Old Man: YOU THINK JUST 'CUZ I'M OLD I KNOW EVERYTHING?!!?

[The Old Man opens the Pokeball and releases a dead Pikachu]

Old Man: FIX IT! FIX IT! FIX IT! FIX IT! FIX IT!

Dr. Mario: I don't even-

Old Man: FIX IT! FIX IT! FIX IT! FIX IT!

Dr. Mario: FINE!! I gotta do what I do best then...

''[Mario takes the Pikachu back the hospital. He gently pricks it with a syringe, causing it to explode violently]''

Old Man: Nice job, d*ckface!

Transition song: ♫Dr. Mario!♫

''[Sirens are blaring in the hospital, Dr. Mario rushes down the hall. He sees a crazed Tinky Winky being restrained]''

'''Random people : '''DUDE! DUDE! DUDE! NO!!!

Dr. Mario: [clears throast] Gentlemen.

Dr. Mario: Lets-a go!

[Mario puts Tinky Winky onto a gurney and thrusts it into the ER.]

Dr. Mario: What-a happened?!

(Tinky Winky is spazzing)

Toad: I'm trippin' and you're freakin' me out man!

Dr. Mario: Hmmm, oh my, there's-a somethin' alive in its stomach...

Toad: What are we gonna do Mario?

Dr. Mario: WE DELIVER THESE F**KERS!

Tinky Winky: SAY WHAAAAAAT?!

Dr. Mario: Spread-a those f**king legs and start pushing!

Tinky Winky: NO!!!!!!!!!! *panics and starts spazzing again*

Dr. Mario: Come here- [lasers containing a Virus, a Poke Ball, and the old man start shooting from Tinky Winky's crotch and blow Mario away]

Dr. Mario: Hammer! [inserts hammer into Tinky Winky] Fire! [inserts fire] Nintendo!! [inserts Nintendo logo]

Toad: *suddenly has a cat* Then you get your cat!

Dr. Mario: No man what the f**k!?

[virus comes out of Tinky Winky]

Dr. Mario: *wearing shades* This is your last chance, take the blue pill, the red pill... *pulls out a blue then red pill)

Toad: [speaking in spanish] Why not both?

Text: ok that's enough :p

[Tinky Winky ''screams and a horse pops out of it. Mario holds up the "baby", his first sucsessful patient. The baby then sprouts a Robotnik head.]''

Robotnik-Horse Hybrid: SUPRISE MOTHAF*CKA!

(Sound of DUN DUN DUN! can be heard).

Closing song: ♫Dr. Mario!♫

End of Transcript