SM64 Bloopers: Shoot to the Observatory in the Sky/Transcript

(SMG4 spins into view, and the word "SMG4" appears above his head. He is then hit by the word "productions", and he screams in pain. A troll facing Mario head then appears from the bottom of the screen.)

Mario: Nice shot!

(Cut to outside the Princess Peach's Castle. Mario's head is rotating upwards and phasing through his body)

Mario: Hurry up already...!

(Cut to Toadsworth next to the cannon.)

Toadsworth: Master Mario, if you would, SHUT UP! Can you just shut up for one second? Allow me to finish upgrading this cannon please!

Mario: But aren't we suppose to be preparing for our summer vacation?

Toadsworth: ...beeecause I must attend to fixing things before we leave!

Mario: But why do we even have a cannon in the first place?

Toadsworth: I dunno. Its just funny watching you try to use it.

(Cut to Toadsworth with a bucket of popcorn, watching Mario blast out of the cannon.)

Mario: SHIIIIII- (Hits the castle wall, screams in pain, and hits the ground.)

(Cut back to the cannon. Mario stares at Toadsworth with a perplexed look on his face.)

Mario: Okey-dokey! Let's go!

Peach: Hey! It's almost time to go soon!

Toadsworth: Almost finished young miss! Now to just adjust the power

(He turns a gear om the side of the cannon, causing a gauge measuring the "power level" to fill up. Vegeta appears next to it.)

Toadsworth: Okay! Done! Master Mario! Your attention please.

Mario: (with a derp face) Hmmmmm?

Toadsworth: (holding a plate of spaghetti) You see da spaghetti??? (Throws the spaghetti into the cannon.) Get the spaghetti!

Mario: Oooooohhh! (He jumps into the cannon.)

Toadsworth: RUN, BITCH! RUN!!!!

Peach: Can we finally go!?

(Cut to Mario inside the cannon)

Mario: Uhh...guys??? What's happening??

(Cut to outside the cannon. Peach and Toadsworth are running away.)

Toadsworth: Uhh, the vacation doesn't need any annoying Italians! Have a nice flight! And see you later!

Mario: Mama f**ker!

Peach: Wait, you didn't put too much power on the cannon did you?

Toadsworth: Pfft......no

Mario: Rrr... I'M GOING TO RA- (the cannon fires; Mario flies upwards and screams)

Toadsworth: I put loadsa power!!!

(Mario continues flying into space. Mario Head watches him fly by)

Mario Head: Oh, look! Hello!

Mario: Noo! Is this what I think this is???

(the Space Sphere floats by)

Space Sphere: SPAAAACE...

Mario: Oh. I just remembered. I can't breath in space.

(Mario's head explodes)

Demoman: (offscreen) Ka-BOOOM!

(Mario's lifeless body floats by a satellite resembling Bowser's head)

(cut to a hole in the ground next to a sign reading "SECRET LAIR- DUN ENTER.")

Text: Meanwhile

(Cut to the inside of the lair)

Bowser: (in a sassy, female voice) Mmmm-hmmm! (normal voice) Bwahaha! I finally have my own satellite! With this! I can take over the world!

SMG3: Good luck with that dumbass.

Bowser: Hey! Shut up! I will find the secret to the universe!!!

(Mario's body appears on the satellite camera.)

Bowser: Ahh! Oh my god! What the fuck is that!?

(The image starts distorting. A mysterious female silhouette appears and laughs. Bowser grunts in confusion. Both the silhouette and Mario disappear.)

Bowser: How- do- wha- what the FUCK!? I knew there was something!!! I have to go!!! SMG3 feed the Chain Chomps for me!

SMG3: (shocked) WHAT!?

(cut to Mario's point-of-view. His eyes open up and he sees some Lumas. Cut to third-person POV)

Mario: ..Ch-.....chicken!? Is that you?

(Cut to Mario's POV. A yellow Luma suddenly pops up in front of him.)

Luma: WHAT'S GOOD N*GGA?

(Cut to third-person POV. Mario screams and jumps off a cliff, with the Luma in pursuit. A no signal screen appears briefly.)

Mario: W-where am I?! What is this place!?

(Rosalina appears in a flash.)

Rosalina: Do not worry. You are safe and sound.

Mario: (takes off sunglasses) WOAH!

Rosalina: My name is Rosalina. This is my flying observatory. Who might you be?

Mario: <3 (Speaks Gibberish.)

Rosalina: Nice to meet you Mr. Oooowowofohofodsefg.

Mario: Hah! Who needs Earth when I can just live here? Just me, Rosalina, and spaghetti!

Rosalina: Uhh...what's a spaghetti?

(Record scratch.)

Mario: NOOOOOOOOOOO...!

(Mario jumps off the cliff again.)

Luma: Oh hell no! I aint hauling his fat ass back again!

(Cut to Bowser, flying his Koopa Clown Car in space.)

Bowser: I shall locate this weird force! And steal it!!! Yes! Then I shall take over the universe! Booyah baby!!!

(Cut to a Warp Star flying across space, then back to Bowser.)

Bowser: Go me! Go me!!!

(Kirby is revealed to be riding the Star. Bowser starts singing "Swiggity Swooty" and Kirby starts singing the theme to Kirby: Right Back at Ya!. Eventually Kirby is right about to crash into Bowser.)

Kirby: Oh what the FU-

(The two collide. Cut back to the Comet Observatory.)

(Mario hits the ground and dies. He then respawns next to Rosalina.)

Mario: Why wont you let me dieee world!??!??

Rosalina: I already said I was going to take you back!!!

Mario: Thats too long for meeeeeeee! (He jumps off once again.)

(Cut to a yellow janitor Luma with a broom next to a pile of Mario corpses.)

Luma: Could you stop with the suicides!!? I have to clean this mess up!!!

(Another Mario corpse lands in the pile.)

Rosalina: *sigh* I'll just get the observatory ready to move.

(Cut to Bowser and Kirby flying towards the observatory.)

Bowser: Uh oh...

(Rosalina looks back as they crash into the observatory. The Koopa Clown Car crashes into the beacon.)

Mario: Mama-mia... Luigi!

(The Koopa Clown Car is stuck in the beacon and on fire. Bowser is crying. A Luma with Old Man Hobo's face appears.)

Old Man Luma: Nice job, dickface!

(Two Luma, one red and one black, appear riding a police car.)

Red Luma: Now you gonna get it, motherfucker!

(Many Luma charge towards Bowser and ricochet off his shell)

Bowser: Ah crap. My shell is itchy...stupid short arms.

Rosalina: Lumas! Please calm down! Who might you be? An enemey?

Bowser: Uhhh the pink gumball made me do it!

(Kirby then punches Bowser and sends him flying.)

Mario: Nah, don't worry that's just Bowser. He sucks at being evil

Bowser: Hey! I'll let you know I stole a princess! For 2 minutes.

Rosalina: Yes...anyway. It seems the trip back to your home planet is going to be delayed.

Mario: Wah??? How long of a delay???

Rosalina: Ohhh....about 2000 years....

(Mario attempts to jump off the cliff again, but the janitor Luma blocks him.)

Luma: NO!

(Bowser and Kirby are fighting. Rosalina sighs. Suddenly, a pair of speakers, above the entrance of the library at the core of the observaory, begin playing a song.)

Pink Luma: Oh! Storytime!!! Yaay!

(Two Luma, one grey and one purple, happily chuckle to themselves while walking towards the center of the observatory.)

Yellow Luma: (with big eyes) OH MY GOD! WOOOOO!

Rosalina: Ah, not to worry. We'll figure it out later. After all, it is story time.

(Cut to inside the library. Rosalina is reading to a crowd of Luma.)

Rosalina: (Offscreen) It was then...the woman saw the man... (Onscreen) The young lady punched the cheating man. And he fell down...

(Cut to Mario, Bowser, and Kirby. Mario is asleep, Bowser has anime eyes and is blushing, and Kirby looks grumpy.)

Rosalina: (offscreen) And that's the story of her divorce... (onscreen) The. End.

(The numerous Luma cheer. Mario then wakes up.)

Mario: Yeah! Great! Happy! Umm, can we try and go home now!?

Red Luma: Again!!!

(Three Luma hold up books, including Twilight, 50 Shades of Grey, and Everyone Poops)

Rosalina: Oh oh oh! Alright! Alright! Maybe until your sleepy then!

Mario: Oh hell no! Hey stinky! (He kicks the three Luma out of the way.) Alright! Back! Back I say! Mama's got crap to do! So uhh, shoo!!

(The others Luma blush as they look angry, except one who stays asleep and only blushes)

Mario: Ahh! Just...kidding!!! Hmm... (He pushes Bowser in front.) So long-a Bowser!

Bowser: Huh?

Mario: Good luck buddy!!!!

Bowser: Oh wait wait wait where you going!?

Mario: (pushing Rosalina out the door) Hey pink thing! Don't forgot to supply the sleeping drugs!

(Kirby grunts angrily. Cut to outside the library)

Mario: Mama-mia...is there...no way home?!

Rosalina: Well...there is one other way.. Follow me.

(Cut back to inside the library.)

Bowser: (growls) ....uhhh....

(The camera changes angles to show the Lumas standing in front of him.)

Luma: BOO, YOU STINK!

(The camera changes angles back to Bowser. Kirby can be seen next to him.)

Bowser: Ohh! I'll read you a bedtime book I read to my little Bowser Jr.

(Cut to outside the library.)

Rosalina: Ah! Finally found it! (she's then holding a strange gun.)

Mario: Ooh! Spaghetti maker!!!

Rosalina: What? No! It's a wormhole generator. We can jump across the universe with this! Got it from a secret admirer.

Mario: Wait! Who???

(Mario then sees an Professor E. Gadd symbol on it.)

Mario: Oh... (E. Gadd appears, humping the air.)

Rosalina: Now listen...you must charge it for 90 seconds. (the screen then slightly zooms on Rosalina's head) Exactly 90 seconds...!

Mario: (picking up up the wormhole generator) Okey-dokey! Let's-a go!

Rosalina: Well OK then. Overcharging might lead to something horrible. I'll go check on the Lumas...

(Cut to Bowser inside, reading a story to the Luma(s).)

Bowser: The cats nuzzle close to their kittens. The lambs have laid down with the sheep.

(The camera angle changes to reveal that Bowser is reading Go the Fuck to Sleep.)

You're cozy and warm in you're bed, my dear. (a red Luma closes his eyes) Please, go the fuck to sleep.

(Rosalina then enters the room.)

The windows are dark in the town, child. I'll read you one very last book if you swear, you'll go the fuck to sleep. (Kirby looks astonished.)

(Cut briefly to Mario charging the wormhole generator. A timer on the bottom-right shows it has been charging for about 23 seconds.)

Bowser: I know you're not thirsty, that's bullshit, stop lying! Lie the fuck down, my darling, and sleep. (Rosalina falls asleep.)

(Cut to Mario charging the wormhole generator. It has been charging for 1 minute, 17 seconds. An Old Man Luma appears holding a Mushroom)

Mario: Ooh hoo hoo hoo! Can I have it? (The Luma then runs away screaming.) Hey! Come back! (Mario chases the Luma.)

(Cut to inside the library.)

Bowser: Hell no you can't go to the bathroom! You know where you can go? The fuck to sleep! (all of the Lumas are asleep. Bowser laughs.)

Rosalina: (suddenly wakes up) Wah! How long have I been sleeping???

(Cut to Mario wearing a bra over his eyes. The generator has been charging for nearly 30 minutes.)

Mario: Oooh... hey, where'd everybody go?

Rosalina: Mario! Please tell me you shot the gun already!!!

Mario: What? Shoot the gun already? Okiedokie!

Rosalina: NOO! (she tries to stop him, but it is too late. He fires, and the recoil knocks them both down. A black hole appears in the sky.) You...created...a blackhole...

Mario: Oh come on. Same thing right?

(The black hole begins sucking the observatory in.)

Bowser: What's happenin?! :D (He then sees the black hole and screams.)

Rosalina: There's......there's...no way we can escape....

Mario: (screams) Oh! What's that! In the sky!!!

(Captain Steve appears in the sky.)

Captain Steve: HI GUYS!

Mario: Oh my god it's Captain Steve!!!!!!

Luma: Here to rescue us!!!

(Steve flies towards the black hole. Bowser cheers.)

Captain Steve: YOLOOOOO! (Record scratch; Steve starts falling into the black hole.) AAAAAH!

Rosalina: ...you were saying?

Mario: ...okay. WWAAAAAH!

Bowser: Before we die pink thing...I must tell you...I STILL LOVE YOU!

Kirby: WAT.

(Bowser's satellite then appears in the sky and he (Bowser) notices it)

Bowser: Ohh! Scratch that! It's my baby!!!

(Cut to SMG3 at the lair, with a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Chain Chomp behind him. SMG3's phone rings, and he answers it.)

SMG3: Hello?

(Cut to Bowser.)

Bowser: Uhh...hey there buddy...could you take a look at that monitor for me? (a Luma with big eyes flies by screaming "WAAAAAH!" in panic)

(Cut to SMG3.)

SMG3: Uhh....okay.

Bowser: (offscreen) Can you please mash every button you can see so you make the satellite do something?

SMG3: What? Why?! You think Im some idiot?! Man! Go die Bowser! Why am I working with you!?

(Cut to Bowser.)

Bowser: Oh yeah. Forgot to tell you I used your toothbrush as a toilet cleaner again.

(Cut to lair. SMG3 looks exasperated while a glass breaking sound plays. He starts attacking the monitor while screaming. Cut to observatory, where the satellite is spazzing out.)

Bowser: Works everytime.

(The satellite flies into the black hole, but does not fit inside and blocks it instead.)

Mario: Man, that Bowser head really wants to get in that hole.

Rosalina: This may be our chance! It's temporarily blocked. Follow me! Mario! Please assist me!

Mario: Okey-dokey! (He hands the wormhole generator to Kirby.) Here, hold this for a second. Here we go!

(Kirby sees the wormhole generator as a lollipop and inhales/eats it)

Kirby: (in Mario Head's voice) Hey! That was pretty goo-

(Kirby spits out a huge laser that sends the observatory flying away from the black hole. Cut to Mario, then to Bowser, both screaming while holding on to the Observatory. Cut to a part of the Observatory where Rosalina is seen flying and spinning from the left side of the screen. Cut to a shot of Earth, where the Observatory flies towards it, more precisely near North America. Cut to a shot of the Observatory falling while the sky starts to appear. Cut to Toadsworth sitting on a deck chair next to a palm tree on an sunny paradise island)

Toadsworth: Ahh. Yes...this is the life.

Peach: You know...it really is quiet without Mario...

Toadsworth: Yes. Well. It's not like Mario can just fall out of the sky. (The observatory then crash lands on the island) SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP!

Peach: Aaahhhh! Mario!

(Rosalina, Bowser, Kirby, and Mario then appear)

Mario: (in voice dialogue, grunts) Mama F**ker! (in text dialogue) Alright! Who had the idea of putting me in the cannon?!

(Peach then points at Toadsworth.)

Toadsworth: Um...

(Cut to inside the library of the observatory. Mario is shoving Toadsworth inside a lit fireplace. Rosalina and Peach are talking to each other, and Bowser is reading to Kirby and the Luma(s).)

Bowser: ...as I tiptoe away And pray that you're fucking asleep.

The end! (The Luma(s) cheer)

(The outro then plays as the video ends.)