R64: Mario and the retarded spaghetti factory/Transcript

This is the transcript for R64: Mario and the retarded spaghetti factory.

(Retarded64 intro)

(The video starts with a view of Peach's Castle as Toad falls down screaming and explodes. We cut to inside the castle, where Mario is dancing and singing naked while Luigi watches him. Suddenly, the TV turns on to the news channel)

Anchor: In other news, the new spaghetti factory has opened up today! And they're welcoming all visitors for their grand opening!

Mario: WOOOOOOOOOOAH!

(Mario runs off like a rocket, sending Luigi flying in the process)

Mario: And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII (HOLY SH*T!) will always... (the door closes behind him)

Luigi: Ohhh...WAAAAAAH!

(The couch lands on Luigi, crushing him. Cut to Onett, where different people are walking around. Mario runs over a pedestrian, sending him flying, but is stopped by Peach)

Peach: MARIO! HELP ME! (cut to a distorted Peach being held hostage by Bowser, who is reading a book called " 50 Shades of Koopa")

(Mario stares at Peach for a few seconds, spazzes out before pulling out a gun)

Mario: BUT I DON'T GIVE A F**K!

(Mario shoots Peach and drives away. As he drives away, singing Thrift Shop, his kart flips upside down and explodes. Cut to Mario landing in front of the Retarded Spaghetti Factory)

Mario: WOAH!

(Cut to two guys standing in front of the factory. One of them walks away)

Mario: Ooh hoo hoo hoo! Ooh hoo hoo hoo! *spazzes excitedly* Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!

(Tubbie Wonka comes out of the factory as Teletubbies music plays)

Guy: OH HELL NO! I'M OUTTA HERE!

Mario: Hoo hoo! Hello! It's-a-me, Mari-

Tubbie Wonka: CHOOOOOOOOOCOLAAAAAAAAAATE!

(Tubbie Wonka throws Mario into the factory and laughs evilly as text appears saying "evil face". We then see Mario and Tubbie Wonka going on a tour of the factory)

Mario: WOAH!

Tubbie Wonka (singing): Come with me, and you'll be, in a world of pure imagination!

(Mario kicks Tubbie Wonka in the balls)

Tubbie Wonka: *in pain* Ahhh-ha-how!

Mario: *is angry* Where's the spaghetti!?

Tubbie Wonka: You little sh*t! Time to teach you a little lesson.

(He plays on his Ocarina, causing several Oompa Loompas to appear)

Oompa Loompa: *singing* Oompa Loompa doop-a-dee-dee, if you are wise, you'll listen to me! GET THE F**K OUTTA HERE!

Mario: NO!

(Mario gets thrown out of the factory)

Mario: Grrr...

• Gourmet Race ~ Kirby Super Star plays

(Cut to Mario crawling on the windowsill of the factory. He peeks his head in one of the windows, laughing, only for Tubbie Wonka to pop up wielding a gun)

Tubbie Wonka: Surprise, motherf**ker!

(Tubbie Wonka shoots him, causing Mario to fall off the factory. We then see Mario trying to get in through the pipe on top of the factory. The pipe explodes, burning Mario as he runs off with his butt on fire)

Mario: Jesus Christ! I'm on fire!

(Mario approaches the factory on top of a tank, but is stopped by an Oompa Loompa)

Mario: I'M SO FRESH YOU CAN SUCK MY NUTS! I'M SO FRESH-

Oompa Loompa: I've got a perfect puzzle for you! What do you get in the club when they close? *another one pulls out a Rocket Launcher* Drunk motherf**kers and rachet a$$ hoes!

(Oompa Loompa shoots Mario, sending him flying)

Mario: SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP!

(Mario falls past the window, where Tubbie Wonka receives a call on his iPhone)

iPhone: It's a phone call, yip-a-dee-doo, looks like a retard's calling for you!

Tubbie Wonka: Hello?

Mario: Hello! It's-a-me, Mario! Wahoo! And I'm-a-call-a-you, because (Mario bursts through the window) I'M GOING TO RAPE YOU!

(Mario runs towards Tubbie Wonka, yelling)

Tubbie Wonka: Come at me, bro! Come at me! Come on!

(Mario jumps at Tubbie Wonka but he moves away from the wall just before Mario hits him, causing Mario to hit the wall and get knocked out)

Heavy (offscreen): YOU ARE DEAD. NOT BIG SURPRISE.

(Cut to Mario getting thrown into his "Spaghetti Factory? Underground Jail" cell)

Mario: Hmm? (looks outside his cell, seeing a guard) NO! MAMAF**KER! (tries to escape) Ohh... Please, your omnipotence, have mer-

Guard: (runs around) I DON'T GIVE A F**K, TALKING SH*T 'BOUT ME, B*TCH! I DON'T GIVE A F**K, YOU GOTTA-

Mario: Mmph! **** (notices key to unlock cell hanging on the wall) Mmmm... (accidentally throws a coin at guard, which knocks him out) Get outta the way!!!!! Fat guards! MAMAF**K-

(Cell gate opens, which makes Mario surprised, then the text "#TOOSWAG FOR DIS SHIZ" appears, and Mario wears his "Deal with it" sunglasses)

Mario: Hoo hoo hoo! Oh yeah!

Guard: (notices Mario) STOP RIGHT THERE!!

Mario: (Mario is laying down with his "Deal with it" sunglasses on) N*gga, please. (when Mario is censored, the text "no offense :(*" can be seen in the bottom right corner of the video for a split second)

(Mario flashes himself naked in front of the guard, stunning him, and Bowser can be seen in the bottom right corner saying "FABULOUS". Later, he puts his clothes back on, and notices a woman trapped inside a jail cell, crying.)

Mario: Hmm? (hears woman crying) Oh no! (runs to woman) Hello! It's-a-me, Mario!

(the woman and Mario stare at each other)

Mario: ...

Woman: (in Peach's voice) Thank you, Mario. (the woman glitches out [due to the cartridge tilting glitch in the Goldeneye 007 game], and the text "Quality animation" is seen for a split second) We have to do something special for you.

Mario: Eep! (realizes that the woman is actually Peach herself)

Woman: Mario! (she is seen normal for a split second, then she glitches out again, and a translucent image of Peach is seen next to her)

(zoom in on Mario's face)

(the woman is seen normal again, and the image of Peach appears and disappears repeatedly)

Woman: Mario-

(Mario shoots the woman, killing her)

Mario: Yeah, that's not gonna happen. (walks away)

(Cut to Mario in the hallway looking for spaghetti)

Mario: Spaghetti?

(Mario sees a sign with two directions, one pointing to the Spaghetti Room and one pointing to the Butt Slapping Room. As you guessed it, Mario heads to the Spaghetti Room.)

Mario: Okey-dokey! (he sees Swagmaster and Chris in the Spaghetti Room) Hmm...

Chris: LOL dude what are you doing?

Swagmaster: I am watching this freaking funny video shut up. (Swagmaster watches 101 Ways for Mario to Die (the right way!) on his computer) lol he died (watches more of Mario dying) lololololololololololololololol

Chris: shut up, stop watching those gay a$$ videos

Swagmaster: *pulls out a gun* wanna fight me butthole?

Chris: oh for god's sakes... not this again...

(enter Admiral Greg)

Admiral Greg: Hey gaise [sic]! we shouldn't be fighting!

(Chris and Swagmaster look at Greg, then they shoot him)

Chris and Swagmaster: lololololololololololololololol

Swagmaster: what a gay face

(Mario enters the Spaghetti Room)

Mario: Hello! Have you seen spaghetti?

Swagmaster: HOLY CRAP IT'S FAT A$$ JUSTIN BIEBER. KILL HIM!

(Chris and Swagmaster shoot Mario, and Mario panics and flees from the room)

(Tubbie Wonka is walking down the hallway to Mario's jail cell, letting out a maniacal laughter)

Tubbie Wonka: Having fun down here Italian??

(Tubbie Wonka notices that Mario has escaped from his cell)

Tubbie Wonka: What in the f**k?

(Tubbie Wonka runs out of the underground jail and into a different hallway, looking for the guards)

Tubbie Wonka: WHERE ARE THEY!?

(The guards in the hallway are seen running around in circles, while one was running into a wall, blabbering gibberish. Then the scene changes to Mario sneaking around the factory, in search of the Spaghetti Room. He's about to walk into another hallway but he gets caught by two guards as he jumps back in panic)

Mario: *visibly scared* Please don't hurt me!

(The guards just stand there until one of them spoke up, with the camera close up to his face)

Guard: Everybody wants to smell like... titty sprinkles... (small text on the bottom right corner of the screen reads "-some guard 2012")

(Both of the guards explode)

Mario: *sniff* That was beautiful

(Mario continues down the hallway and finds a machine labeled "super spaghetti maker". He gets excited and runs to the machine.)

Mario: Ooh hoo hoo hoo! Ah spaghetti... Ah ravioli... Ah mamma mia...

(Tubby Wonka appears, holding a gun)

Tubby Wonka: Uh oh!

Mario: *scared* Wah!!

(Tubby Wonka sees the super spaghetti maker and walks toward a conveyor belt next to it then pulls out a bowl of tubbycustard.)

Tubby Wonka: Tubbycustard! Tubbycustarrrd!

(The tubbycustard goes down the conveyor belt, into the machine and comes out of another conveyor belt, as spaghetti.)

Mario: *shocked* WHAT THE FU-

(Mario explodes and Tubby Wonka appears in the foreground, dancing and singing "Haters Gonna Hate")

Mario: So... You make spaghetti out of TUBBYCUSTARD!!!!

(Mario gets furious)

Mario: This is UNACCEPTABLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL-!!!!

(Mario runs over to Tubby Wonka, who was still dancing, and kicks him into the spaghetti maker. He gets stuck and an alarm goes off.) Mario: Oh sh*t!
 * WARNING TUBBYCUSTARD OVERLOAD

(The whole area starts to shake and the entire factory explodes, sending Mario flying into the air, spinning out of control. Later, he falls down near Bowser, who was still reading 50 Shades of Koopa.)

(End of Blooper)