Guards N' Retards: Swag Magic./Transcript

(SMG4 intro. Sergeant Mark appears instead of Mario.)

Sergeant Mark: Gimme that butt!

(Cut to black. It then fades into Chris and Swag standing next to each other when a sad song plays)

Swagmaster(narrating): This is a sad story of two fired guards, after screwing their company over..., this retard Chris..., and the sexy Swagmaster! (airhorns make noise and men shouting ooooh offscreen, yellow sparkles rain down onscreen) Were left to fight in the harsh world, (Swagmaster is spinning around on one knee) so cold...,need money..., gimme some pingas....

Chris(shoots Swag): Oh shut up you idiot it's only been 1 hour... since they suspended us!

Swagmaster: Screw you Chris! You don't know the pain of being homeless!!

Random woman: Aww you poor babies! Want to come over to my house-

Swagmaster(spazzing out): WTF! DID YOU JUST CALL ME A BABY B***H!? (he uses a rocket launcher to fire a rocket at her)

Swagmaster(to Chris): You see Christopher? You see the pain I must go through!?

Chris: I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU IN A SECOND

?/Big Red Jawa: Nyahahaha, hello comrades!

Chris: What the?

Swagmaster(high pitched voice, spazzing out): HOLY S**T ITS THOSE GUYS THAT OFFER YOU CANDY BUT THEN SHOVE YOU IN A VAN RUN CHRIS RUN!

Big Red Jawa: Noo comrades, I heard about your little dilemma, I am here to help. I am your friendly neighbourhood magical creepy dude... (a smiley emoji appears on his face) IVAN!

Swagmaster(shoots Ivan away three times): I don't want yo candy!!! Stranger danger! Stranger danger!

Chris: SHUT UP! for one second! (to Ivan) ...why do you want to help us?

Ivan: Can't a creepy dude give some love... if you know what I mean... (he makes a loud licking noise, this makes Swagmaster scream)

Chris: Hmm...well if you can help us, then that'd be great!

Ivan: Ok then all you have to give me...(low voice) is your soul! (he laughs but coughs horribly, Swag and Chris look each other)

Swagmaster: Sorry bro I don't have a soul!

Ivan: WAT...

Swagmaster: I sold it to some ghost last week for some awesome ice-cream! Damm it's sucked a**!

Ivan: Ok ok that's fine...(low voice) you'll have to perish in hell then.

Swagmaster: Ah hell, that's a great place! Y'know I once pee'd on- (Ivan creates a black hole which sucks Swag and Chris in)

Chris(while getting sucked, spazzing out): AHHHHH

Swagmaster(while getting sucked, spazzing out): AHHHHAHAHAH

(the scene fades to a Final Destination stage)

Swagmaster: Huh!? What the heck is this crap!? Where am I!? (another woman facing in opposite direction appears in front of him)

Swagmaster: What the...who's that? Wait a minute! ...mom?! Mom is that you!? (Swag's mom turns around to Swag, but her face is covered with Swag's face)

Swag's Mom: Oh hi sweetie! Momma's got a big surprise for you!

Swagmaster: Oh boy mama! What did you get me?!

Swag's Mom: It's something you wanted ever since you were little...(she looks down slowly and back up, but her face was changed into Morgan Freeman's face)

Swag's Mom/Morgan Freeman: Tittie sprinkles!

Swagmaster: WHAT THE F**K?!!! (Morgan Freeman roars while moving towards him before he explodes, sending Swagmaster out of the map)

(the scene changes to a flat grassland with a 2 storey house)

Swagmaster(offscreen): SHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT! (while he falls from the sky and lands on the ground, he stands up)

Swagmaster: What the heeeellll?!! What the hell is going on?! I swear to god... if this house doesn't lead me back I'm gonna-...(he enters the house through the front door, but then he pauses and saw Judith Mossman, Elizabeth and Crystal Maiden with a lot of money, and the text 'The house of swag' appears on top of the screen)

Swagmaster: OH MA GAAAAAA! Oh my god! I'm having a swag boner!!! waaaaaahhhh!-(a giant pingas erects from his crotch which kills Elizabeth, Swag moves to Crystal Maiden who is sitting on a couch)

Swagmaster: Hey baby... you look so fine that you remind me of my mom... wait s**t! That came out wrong!... ummm...you look dazzling... like a person on fire.. (Crystal Maiden babbles)

Swagmaster: Mmm, now that's sexeh! (Crystal Maiden continuously babbles until Sergeant Mark's head appears on her face)

Crystal Maiden/Sergeant Mark's Head: Haha, you're so sexy babe. (Swagmaster screams while moving backwards before he explodes)

Swagmaster: Wat the s**t! Why does my boss have big boobies!? Why is he so sexy!? What the hell is-(Judith Mossman interrupts, but she has Sergeant Mark's head on her face)

Judith Mossman/Sergeant Mark's Head: EY SEXEH WANT A PROMOTION!? (Swagmaster looks around and saw Po, the teletubbie lying on a pile of cash with Sergeant Mark's head also on her face)

Po/Sergeant Mark's Head: Gimme some of your tubby custard hehe.

Swagmaster(spazzing out): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! (he crashes through a wall, and ran away from them) S**T! S**T! S**T! S**T! S**T! (the three Sergeant Marks are chasing after him while they are humping)

The Three Marks: SWIGGITY SWOOTY I'M COMING FOR DAT BOOTY!

Swagmaster(closing the door in front of him): Haha! Try and get in now b***hes! (a small axe creates a hole through the door)

Swagmaster: OH JESUS CHRIST!

Mark the Teletubbie(with a small axe): Time for teletubbies... motherf**ka!

Swagmaster(spazzing out, while running upstairs): F**k this s**t I'm out! (the scene changes to Chris who is swimming in a bathtub)

Chris: Oh yeahhh! This is the best dream ever! (Swagmaster appears)

Swagmaster: Oh hey fag! lol you look pretty stupid in that bathtub!

Chris: SSHHIIIT! Someone shoot me now!!!

Swagmaster: Listen to me butthead! We need to get out of here before-(a wall beside Swag blows up, revealing the three Marks)

Swagmaster: Ahh! godammit!

The Three Marks: Surprise motherf**ker! (they start humping again while moving very slowly to Swag and Chris)

The Three Marks: Swiggity swooty I'm coming for that booty!

Swagmaster: Welp Chris we're gonna die, by buttrape from our boss!

Chris: HELL NO! Not if I do it first! (he picks up a piece of toast)

Chris(while holding a piece of toast): Stay back! I'm warning you! I got this...ummm toast!?

Swagmaster: We're so screwed! (Chris throws the toast onto one of the Sergeant Mark's face)

Sergeant Mark in the middle: WAT... (then the entire map shakes, and a star sparkles in the sky, revealing a Shy Guy Fairy flying towards to the house)

Shy Guy Fairy: YYEEEAAAAAAAHH TOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAASSSTT!!!!! (the house explodes when he crashes into it)

Shy Guy Fairy: YEAH TOAST! (while crawling to a dead Sergeant Mark with a piece of toast on his face, Swag and Chris were outside watching the house on fire)

Swagmaster: Remind me never to come near you when you're holding a piece of toast.

Ivan: AHAHAHHA, that was epic...

Swagmaster: Ivan! You little s**t! Stop this or I'll noscope your butthole!

Ivan: Haha ok ok, I'll give you guys the guard job, how about that? (he fires an energy ball which changes the map into a FNAF map, Swag and Chris were inside of the office talking randomly)

Swagmaster: That's it Ivan! Open that anus! Cause I'm about to destroy it! (Chica appears behind the right window)

Chica: Pizza?

Swagmaster(spazzing out): GAAH! AAAH! AAAH! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!!

Chica: Pizzaaaaaaa. (Bonnie appears behind the right window)

Bonnie: Hello!

Chris: I think we work in a zoo...