Super Mario 64 Bloopers: (percent)99(percent) Beroken/Transcript

This is a transcript of the SuperMarioGlitchy4 video "99% beroken".

Intro
(The video starts with Parakarry the Paratroopa flying down to Mario's House to deliver his mail. He explodes on landing)

Parakarry: MALE! MUTHAF**KER!

(Mario crawls out of his house)

Mario: Oh, they don't pay me enough for this shit, ugh. What is it this time?

(Parakarry throws the letter at him)

Mario: Ohh! It's from the princess! She finally messaged me for once!

(Toad pops out of the envelope)

Toad: THE PRINCESS HAS BEEN CAPTURED!!!

Mario: SHUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUUU...

(Toad starts screaming as Parakarry watches in confusion)

Parakarry: Dafuq?

Title: SUPERMARIOGLITCHY4 PRESENTS

Main Story
(Mario is running through Bowser's Lair)

Mario: THATS IT IM SICK OF THIS CRAP! IM NOT GONNA JUST SAVE HER! IMMA SMACK HER!

(Mario runs over to Bowser)

Mario: BOWSER!!!!!!!

Bowser: WAZZUP?

(Mario punches Bowser across the room, who cries in pain as Mario growls angrily. Bowser floats up to heaven and explodes)

Ganondorf (offscreen): DIE.

(Princess Peach starts floating down from the Castle as Mario strikes her down, staring at her furiously)

Mario: Grrr!

Peach: Mario! The power of the stars is restored to the-

Mario: What? Huh? What? W-what?

Peach: Let's bake a delicious cake.

Mario: Oh no, that's, no!

(Inside the castle, Mario is moving around uneasily. SuperMarioGlitchy4 enters)

SuperMarioGlitchy4: Mario?? Oh no, no, no, no, no...

(Mario screams offscreen and throws a screaming Toad at SMG4, knocking him out)

SuperMarioGlitchy4: What the hell is wrong with you?

Mario: F**K YOU!

Peach: Mario snapped again.

SuperMarioGlitchy4: GODAMMIT! AGAIN!? Im not going through with this again... Maybe if you stop getting stolen, Peach...he wouldn't be like this!!!

Peach: I'm not being kidnapped all the time!

(The doorbell rings and Peach answers it)

Bowser: Uhh....cookies!

Peach: Woah! WOOOOOOOAAAAAA...

(Bowser kidnaps Peach, who screams in fear)

Peach: AAAAH! Help me!

SuperMarioGlitchy4: Oh my fucking god...

Mario: Oh, no...

SuperMarioGlitchy4: Ahh yes...what the hell am I going to do with you?

Mario (spazzing out): Eeee-eeee-eeee-eeee-eeee-eeee-eeee!

(Mario and SuperMarioGlitchy4 are walking in a field as SuperMarioGlitchy4 hyperventilates)

SuperMarioGlitchy4: I can't...NO I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS SHET! MARIO! YOU ARE A RETARD WITH A MENTAL DISORDER OK?

(Mario stutters)

SuperMarioGlitchy4: I'M GONNA GET YOU BACK TO THE WAY YOU WERE! AND DEAL WITH THIS RETARDNESS!

Mario: I like turtles!

(SuperMarioGlitchy4 and Mario are in a movie theater as SuperMarioGlitchy4 talks to the Cashier. In the background, Mario burns a bra)

SuperMarioGlitchy4: This guy behind me is broken! Can you fix him for me!?

Cashier: Well this goes beyond my skill of being a theater cashier...but the movies can help! We're showcasing Twilight! Want to see it for free? :D

SuperMarioGlitchy4: Fuck.

(Back at the Castle)

SuperMarioGlitchy4: Ugh...I just wish I knew what was going inside that head of yours, Mario...

(Mario fidgets as we zoom in to his mind, which is full of clouds)

Mario: Woah! Uh, somebody?

(an Old Man Genie appears)

Genie: Hello!

(Mario screams and falls off the cloud, only to fall back where he was)

Genie: Calm down, I'm not going to eat you.

Mario: Aaah! Where am I? Why aren't I beating up Peach???

Genie: This place is your mind, Mr. Mario...but there's more to it than just this...

(Genie hops on a magic carpet)

Genie: Come on! I'll show you more!

Mario: I DON'T EVEN...UGH!

Genie: Squadalah! We are off!

Mario: Hoo! I didn't know my mind was so calm!

Genie: Oh that's just what you imagine it looks like.

(The scene changes to a series of weird visions, such as Luigi laughing evilly and Mario Head floating)

Mario: Mamma mia!

(A picture of Bowser lying seductively flashes by)

Mario: Oh...oh, what the fuck? Just tell me what I'm doing here, I don't even, I'm so confused!

Genie: You were so pissed your whole mind broke, OK?

(Mario stares in confusion as Weegee pops up behind him and a scene of Mario and Peach dancing appears)

Genie: I hope you see where I'm coming from so I don't have to keep wasting my FUCKING TIME EXPLAINING IT!

Mario: I just hope I'm not going crazy.

(In the city, a naked Mario is seen harassing a woman as SuperMarioGlitchy4 tries to stop him. The woman runs away screaming)

SuperMarioGlitchy4: Uhh sorry!!!

(Mario gets into his go-kart and drives away)

SuperMarioGlitchy4: Oh shit! MARRRRIOO!

(SuperMarioGlitchy4 drives after Mario in his own car)

SuperMarioGlitchy4: DON'T FUCKING RUN AWAY FROM ME!

Mario: MMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

(SuperMarioGlitchy4 runs over a Pikachu in the road as two Cops watch)

Cop: CALL 911 NOW!!!

Other Cop: Okay. Whatever.

Mario: Ride those cars!

SuperMarioGlitchy4: Goddammit, Mario!

(Mario goes over a gap)

SuperMarioGlitchy4: No, no, no, no-SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!

Mario: YHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

SuperMarioGlitchy4: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(Mario crosses the gap, but SuperMarioGlitchy4 and the cops aren't as lucky and fall into it)

Cop: STAHP RIGHT THERE PERVERT!

Mario: Oh-ho-ho-ho!

SuperMarioGlitchy4: FINE LEAVE! At least I'm not stupid fatso!!!

(Mario screeches to a halt and starts backing up)

SuperMarioGlitchy4: Oh crap...

Mario (snarling): WHAT DID YOU SAY NIGGA?

(The cops run Mario over)

Cop: STAHP RIGHT THERE!

(Later, we see the Cop and SuperMarioGlitchy4 at a funeral for the dead Pikachu in Hyrule)

Cop (crying): Why did he have to die...WHY GOD WHY....

SuperMarioGlitchy4: Yes, we all know you're sad about that Pikachu I ran over....God, why am I even here? Come on Mario! We're leaving!

Mario: Oh, you're so good!

(Back inside Mario's mind, Mario and the Genie are riding through a vortex)

Mario: WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

Genie: Hmmm? Oh yeah, saving your mind and stuff. Squadalah! We are off!

(The two pass through heavy clouds)

Mario: Uhh why is it all cloudy?

Genie: It's the part of your mind trying to block off reality.

Mario: The hell does that mean!? LET ME FLY THIS THING!

Genie (screaming): NOOOO! (gibberish)

Mario: Oh, son of a bitch fuck!

(Mario is now wearing Genie's hat)

Genie: YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Mario: ALRIGHT! FLY ME TO THE REAL WORLD! AND NO CREEPYASS VISIONS!

(The magic carpet starts to break down)

Mario: Fucking, please!

(The Genie and Mario fall to the ground. Mario lands face-first, but Genie lands safely)

Mario: Mammaf**ker! How am I ever going to get out!?

Genie: Squadalah! Ha! Maybe you can! Look over there!

(We see a house with four Teletubbies standing outside)

Mario: That house? How is that going to help!? And what's with all those Teletubbies?

Genie: Mario, meet your 4 emotions.

(A red Teletubby with a Mario hat is shown screaming)

Genie: Anger...

(A purple Teletubby with a chef's hat is shown eating snacks)

Genie: Hunger?...

(A green Teletubby with a dunce hat is shown inside, singing)

Genie: Your smartness...(I think)

(A yellow Teletubby with a top hat is shown dancing)

Genie: And this...uhh...I don't even know this one. Your gayness, I suppose.

Mario: Shut up! This isn't helping! Also, why are my emotions Teletubbies!?

Genie: I don't know, freaking...

(Inside, Mario finds a computer with a Gamecube controller that controls his mind)

Mario: Woah!

Genie: This is the magic computer, where it can control your whole brain!

(Smartness starts whacking the computer)

Smartness: I can do this thing!

(Back at the Castle, Mario starts going crazy and running around wildly. In his mind, Mario attacks Smartness, holding him back)

Mario: NO BAD! Go sit over there!

(Mario throws Smartness at the wall)

Smartness: Fuck!

(Mario throws a toilet at him)

Smartness: What the fuck is that thing?

Mario: That's a toilet! You take a crap in it when you feel like your ass is going to explode!

Smartness (sputtering): FUCKING, GENIUS!!!!

Mario: OK!...OK! I can fix all of this!

(The computer starts to malfunction)

Mario: Eeek! Oh no! Can't you help, genie!?

Genie: I DON'T CARE ABOUT STUPID SHIT LIKE THAT!

Mario: Aaah! Aaah!

(Mario is seen playing Donkey Kong and dies)

Mario: BULLSH*T!

(He smacks the computer, which starts to break down)

Mario: Ohhhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhhh!

(Back at the Castle, Peach watches Mario nervously)

Peach: Mario?

Mario (having a seizure): Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhhh!

SuperMarioGlitchy4: It's just, I can't. I'm out!

(Back inside Mario's mind, Anger notices the computer)

Anger: Hmmm?

Peach: Mario!

Anger: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!

(Anger shoves Mario out of the way and starts smashing the computer, causing the real Mario to go insane)

Mario: BITCH. BITCH. BITCH. BITCH. BITCH. SHE'S A BITCH. BITCH!

Peach: Mario! Aaah!

(Inside the house, Mario knocks Anger out of the way, and tries to start the computer)

Mario: Grrr! Mamma mia! Ooh hoo hoo hoo!

(Back at the Castle)

Mario: I LOVE YOU!

(Gayness shoves Mario aside and starts humping the computer)

Gayness: BULLSHIT! YEAAAAAAHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHA!

(At the castle, a naked Mario is seen dancing and singing towards Peach)

Mario (singing): Shut up and sleep with me, come on, why don't you sleep with me...

Peach: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(Smartness is shown carrying a flamethrower)

Smartness: I can smell burning!

(He torches the computer, causing it to explode. At the Castle, Mario collapses from exhaustion as SuperMarioGlitchy4 and Toad stare over him)

SuperMarioGlitchy4: Want to go get a burger?

Toad: Sure thing!

(Back inside the house, Mario and the genie stand amid the wreckage)

Mario: Great!? Now what...

Genie: Mario...did I ever tell you, I had the power to fix your mind?

Mario: What the FUUUUUUUUUUU...

Genie: Squadalah!

(Outside the Castle, SuperMarioGlitchy4 and Toad are moving Mario's body)

SuperMarioGlitchy4: Hey! I think he's moving!

Mario: I just sh*t my pants!

(SuperMarioGlitchy4 explodes as the video ends)