SMG4: If Mario was in... Baldi's Basics/Transcript

(Start Blooper)

* We arrive at School 4 dummies where we hear Jeeves screaming at someone*

Jeeves: You are impossible! IMPOSSIBLE!

* SMG4 walks up to Jeeves*

SMG4: What's wrong Jeeves?

Jeeves: It's. . . it's. . . THAT BAFOON!

* Jeeves points to Mario, who turns around and says hello to SMG4 and Jeeves*

SMG4: Didn't go so well I'm guessing?

Jeeves: NO! It's impossible to teach that nincompoop anything!!! I. . . QUIT!!!

* Jeeves then leaves while kicking a TV on his way out*

* Mario walks up to SMG4*

Mario: I guess Mario was too smart for him.

SMG4: Dammit Mario!, this is the 5th teacher to quit on us today!

Mario: Why does Mario have to learn math anyway? I already have a 200 IQ.

SMG4: Mario. ..

(Start flashback)

* The Mushroom Kingdom castle*

SMG4: You gave the pizza man $300,000 last week because you can't count!

* Mario looks over very large pile of money bags*

* He then starts throwing several moneybags at Kermit the Frog, knocking him out*

(End flashback)

* Back at School 4 dummies*

Mario: Wait. . . that wasn't 5 bucks?

SMG4: *sigh* You really need an education. Ugh, I guess you leave me no choice!

* SMG4 pulls out the Yellow Pages: 1999 edition*

* He flips to a page that advertises Baldi's Basics in Education and Learning*

SMG4: I'm gonna need the best teacher in all of history!

* We cut to a phone booth, which starts to ring. Baldi's hand reaches to pick up the phone*

''SMG4: Yes. Is that Baldi? I need your help. Someone needs to learn their basics!''

* We cut back to the hallway of the school, where we see the school bell*

Bell: F**KING RING RING RING!

* We alternate between Mario asleep with a book over his eyes and Baldi walking down the hallway towards the classroom*

* The book falls of Mario, who then wakes up and looks up in surprise*

Baldi: Oh, hi. Welcome to my schoolhouse.

Mario: Uh. . . Did somebody leave their hobo here!!!?

Baldi: Now it's time for everyone's favorite subject: Math.

Mario: Oh. No thank you, Mr. Bald Hobo. Mario already knows his maths!

* Baldi looks at Mario expressionless, then slams a clipboard on the desk*

Baldi: Answer the three questions correctly, and you might get something speeeecial.

Mario:. . . ok.

Baldi: Problem 1: 8+2

Mario: Haha! Thatsa easy for me. 21.

* Baldi looks at Mario expressionless, then slaps Mario across the room*

Mario: HEY, WHAT THE F**K!?

Baldi: Problem 2: 0-9

Mario: Oh you gota Mario thinking now. *answer noise* 1.

* Baldi looks at Mario expressionless and takes a step forward*

* Assuming he was right, Mario starts to celebrate*

Mario: I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!

Baldi: WRONG!!!

* Baldi launches the table at Mario, hitting him*

* Baldi stares at Mario for a moment*

Baldi: Problem 3: *snaps neck* *garbled nonsense*

Mario: Hmmmm, I got it. *reels middle finger at Baldi like a fishing rod* Oh boy, look at that. Mario getting good at this game.

* Baldi frowns at Mario, then goes to his desk to get his ruler*

* He starts to smack his ruler*

Baldi: I'm about to whip somebody's ass.

* Mario screams in terror, then runs out the classroom*

* Baldi looks out the door*

Baldi: I can't believe it! You're s**t! Goddamm s**t!

* Mario runs down the hallway, screaming in terror*

Mario: SMG4!!!? YOUR CRAZY ASS TEACHER WANTS MARIO'S ASS!!!

* Mario approaches a door*

Mario: Ah crap. . . uhh. . . Aha!

* Mario opens the door*

* Baldi hears this, smacks his ruler crazy fast, then approaches Mario*

Mario: *scream* Please donta hurta me.

* Baldi approaches Mario slowly. Very, very slowly*

Baldi: I'm gonna kick your ass, m'kay?

Mario: *stares* Uh. . . bye. Dumbass motherf**ker.*runs down hallway*

Baldi: SHIT!!!

* Mario looks back at Baldi while running and starts to celebrate*

Playtime: WOW! LET'S PLAY!

* Mario slows down, then trips over himself*

Playtime: I WANNA PLAY WITH SOMEONE!

Mario: *Worrying wails* NO! Ain't nobody got time for that.

Playtime: *looks at Mario for a second* YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT!!!

* Mario's head shrinks in surprise*

Mario:. . . okeydokey.

* Mario starts to jump rope with Playtime*

Playtime: WOW! LET'S PLAY AGAIN!

Mario: Mama f**ker.

* Baldi walks down the hallway*

Baldi: *grunts* Where is that juicy boi?

* Baldi turns to see Mario and Playtime jump rope*

* Mario sees Baldi and trips over the jump rope*

Playtime: WOOPS! YOU MESSED UP!

* Baldi starts to approach Mario and Playtime*

Playtime: LET'S TRY AGAIN! FROM THE TOP! READY!?

* Playtime swings the jump rope, but Mario doesn't jump. She tries again, but Mario still doesn't jump*

Playtime: JUMP! JUMP!! DO IT YOU BITCH, DO IT!!

* Mario turns to face Playtime*

Mario: How about you sucka Mario's penis!

* Mario grabs the jump rope and starts to swing Playtime around in the air*

* Playtime screams in terror as Baldi stands there watching the whole thing go down*

* Mario finally flings Playtime down the hallway*

Mario: So long, Bowser.

* Baldi steps to the side as Playtime flies across the hallway. She ends up hitting a trash bin, emptying its contents*

* Baldi looks at this in terror, as he knows what will happen next*

Baldi: Oh, shit.

* A mystery person is heard humming as he approaches the hallway*

* The person steps onto the hallway, revealing himself as Yoda*

Mario: Yoda!? You work here?

* Yoda looks at Mario and Baldi for a moment, then pulls out a giant broom*

Yoda: LOOKS LIKE IT'S SWEEPING TIME! GOTTA SWEEP, SWEEP, SWEEP! GOTTA SWEEP, SWEEP, SWEEP!

* Yoda approaches Mario and Baldi as both are frozen in terror*

* Mario then goes to hide next to a vending machine on the wall*

* Yoda then hits Baldi with the broom, as Baldi screams in terror*

* Mario starts to celebrate, but is then approached by the Principal of a Thing*

Principal: No being Italian in the halls!

* The Principal grabs Mario and takes him to detention*

Principal: Your parents will hear about this one.

* The Principal throws Mario into the room*

Principal: Detention for you. You should know better.

* The Principal leaves the room*

Mario: Man. . . this school is a coo coo crazy.

* Mario tries to open the door, but it's locked*

* He then tries to break a window, but to no avail*

Mario: Dammit! They can't stop me from escaping!!!

* Mario sees a slightly open window. He looks through it to see The Bully*

Mario: Hey, can you open the door? Mario needs to get out of here!

Bully: Give me something grrreeeaaattt.

* Baldi then appears in the hallway*

Mario: YEOW! HOLY SHIT!!

* Mario looks desperately across the classroom, looking for something to give to The Bully*

* He finds an apple and gives it to him*

Bully: What? I don't want that!

Mario: *worried wails* Here, take my clothes! *Strips naked and gives clothes to The Bully*

Bully: I don't want that! *Flings clothes back at Mario* I'm very hungry! Give me candy!

* Mario looks around the room until he finds a wad of gum under a desk*

* He grabs the gum and gives it to The Bully*

Bully: Thanka you so mucha, you piece of shit.

* The Bully eats the gum, gets sick, and passes out*

* Mario worriedly tries the door again, but it's still locked*

* He starts to freak out in the corner of the room*

* Baldi flies in through the window*

* Mario screams in terror and starts running around the room*

* Mario crawls under a desk and finds Sock Puppet underneath*

Mario: What are you doing? What's going on here?

Sock Puppet: *garbled nonsense*

* Mario thinks for a moment, then picks up Sock Puppet*

Mario: Take this! *throws Sock Puppet*

* Sock Puppet flies through the air screaming*

* It hits Baldi, but does nothing to deter him*

* Baldi continues to pursue Mario*

Mario: D'oh. Game over. Hmmmm. ..

* Mario looks on the desk and finds another ruler*

Mario: WOAH! *grabs ruler* HERE WE GO!!

* Mario faces Baldi with ruler in hand, ready for a ruler-wielding battle*

* They start to fight*

* Baldi knocks Mario aside*

Baldi: I'm gonna give you five across the ass!

Mario: No! Take this! *punches Baldi in the face* *laughs*

Baldi: *face starts to reform* You f**king son of a bitch! YOUR GETTIN' SEVEN ACROSS THE ASS!!!

* Baldi knocks Mario through the door and into a vending machine*

Baldi: Your gonna wish your motha wasn't scared of me!

Mario: Mama mia

* Mario looks at vending machine, then hits it*

* The machine releases a soda that apparently tastes like dicks*

Mario: Here we go! *opens soda* *laughs*

* The soda sprays into Baldi's eyes*

Baldi: MY EYES! AAHHH!!!

Mario: Take that, BITCH!

* Mario runs down the hallway*

* Baldi exits the room*

Baldi: So help me god, I will slap you in the face so hard. ..

* Baldi hears Mario in a bathroom, freaking out*

Baldi: So help me god!

* Baldi approaches the door*

Baldi: Shut your mouth. ..

* Baldi opens the door*

Baldi:. . . I'LL SHUT IT FOR YA!

* Baldi finds a tape recorder on the floor with Mario's recording playing*

''Mario: Oh, no. *rewind* Mama mia. *rewind* Hey Baldi, f**k you. *end tape*''

Baldi: AAHH, DAMMIT!!

* Baldi turns around to see Mario runs towards the exit*

Mario: OH! THERE IT IS!!!

* Before Mario reaches the exit, Baldi gets ready to chase after him*

* He uses his Quick Maths ability to run at super sonic speed*

* Mario screams in terror as Baldi runs him over and slams him into the ground*

* Baldi looks over Mario, ready to strike*

* Mario starts to panik*

* He tries to think of something to get out of this*

Mario: UHHH. . . 3+2=5?! . . . . ..

* Baldi looks at him for a moment*

Baldi: Aha. You got it. Great job. You did great.

* Baldi hands Mario a ribbon that says You Pass*

* Baldi waves at Mario*

Baldi: You're incredible. Later.

* Baldi leaves*

* SMG4 walks up to Mario, who is still on the ground in shock*

SMG4: Wow! . . . Looks like it worked! Do you feel smarter, Mario?

* Mario could only muster up one response*

Mario ''NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. . . ''

(End blooper)