Guards N' Retards: Swag Party Hostages/Transcript

The video begins with Chris getting lost whilst trying to find his way to Sergeant Mark's Office.

Chris: Crap, which way is it? I better hurry up!

He enters an empty room.

Chris: Sergeant Mark? Is your creepy face in here? Oh, jeez. Why'd I have to be called up to authorities?

Scene cuts to Chris running down another corridor.

Chris: I'm the perfect role model guard!

He then enters another room.

Chris: I swear to God, if his ugly yellow ass is not in here--

Sergeant Mark: What was that about my ugly yellow ass?!

Chris finds Sergeant Mark on his knees, with a gun pointed at by the Butt Ninja.

Chris: Oh shit! It's you again!

The Terrorist enters, and dramatic music plays.

Terrorist: Welcome! We've been expecting you! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Dramatic music suddenly stops.

Chris: ...

Terrorist: Um...that was my evil laugh. It wasn't a stroke, or...

Chris: ..…..

Terrorist: You know what, just go sit your ass down in the corner, dumbass stick in the mud!

Chris joins Sergeant Mark.

Chris: What's his problem?

Sergeant Mark: No idea.

A gun is pointed at Chris.

Chris: Ah crap! What's going on here?! Swagmaster...as dumb as you are...please come and save me!

Scene cuts to Swagmaster69696969696 staring at a drink machine.

Swag: What is this bullshit? This drink machine doesn't have beer! Where's the good stuff?! What are weird drinks? Coke? Coke Zero? Diet Coke? Sprite? Solo? God damnit I didn't know our economy was this low! Why so much Coke and crap? Screw it. Coke Zero sounds like something I can get high on.

Swag inserts an unknown amount of money into the machine.

Drink Machine: Not enough coins - please insert $1.95 more.

Swag: I'M SICK OF YOUR SHIT, DRINK MACHINE!

''Swag loads up a rocket launcher, and fires at the machine. At the same time, Greg walks up to the scene.''

Greg: Hoo hoo! Top of the morning to you, Swagmaster. How are we on this fine day--?

Greg is immediately crushed by the drink machine.

Swag: Dear God...I'm so sorry drink machine! Sorry for ever doubting you. :)

Greg: God damnit...

The "logo" flashes for a second, then scene cuts to Swag standing beside the door.

Swag: Hmm...why is Chris taking so long? Sergeant Mark isn't homo for Chris, is he? Did Chris run away? Oh well, more booty for me.

A female walks past Swag, but is stopped.

Swag: Hey baby! Look at that booty!

Female: Oh my God!

Swag: Show me that booty!

Female: Go away, creep!

She runs away.

Swag: Sniping that booty! ROFL LOL LMAO LOL LOL!

The ringtone plays over the PA.

Terrorist:  ''Hello? This thing on? Oh wow, my voice sounds really sexy...I mean, all who are listening...This is a warning! I have two important people as hostages! If no one tells me where this facility's money vault is, I'm going to blow this whole place up--''

Sergeant Mark: FUCK HER RIGHT IN HER PUSSY!

Terrorist: Oh wow, really?

Sergeant Mark: LOL sorry, I just had to say that!

Swag: The fuck?

Chris shoves the terrorist aside, pulls on a pair of shades, and holds a boom box by the mic.

Terrorist: Oh shit!

Chris: ''This is actually an announcement for the new Swag Club! And none of you are invited 'cause you don't have the swag.''

Chris then pretends to celebrate.

Chris: ''Oh yeah! So hip hop...whoo! It's all fun here--''

Gunfire is then heard over the PA, then the message is cut off.

'''Swag: HOLY SHIT! WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TO?! CHRIS WAS INVITED TO SWAG PARTY BUT I WASN'T?! YOU SON OF A BITCH I AM THE MOST SWAGGIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! I'M SO PISSED! I'LL SHOW THEM ALL! CHRIS AIN'T GOT SHIT ON ME! I'M COMING FOR YOU BITCHES!'''

Scene cuts to outside.