Thread:MarioFan5050/@comment-34296765-20160508204154

There are quite a number of issues here that need to be corrected ranging from awkward wording, improper wording, tense swapping, capitalization, and punctuation issues.

Awkward/incorrect wording: "A crowd of raucous villagers wielding pitchforks and torches surround you and spit at you, jab you with their forks, and cuss at you.", ""Let's burn this witch with a tree right now!"" (Do you mean 'at the' tree?), "You might've gone lucky had'a your friend not prattled on ya!" Prattled is used incorrectly here. To prattle is to ramble on about a topic. Contextually it really doesn't work here. "She and you had brawled multiple times over many petty things" Brawled implies physicality when you're actually talking about an argument. " But the judge says, "Ambiguity." feels out of place. Especially given its definition ("uncertainty or inexactness of meaning in language."), "Such disregard to (for) the Holy Son", etc. This needs quite a bit of review as there are numerous instances of words being used improperly or sounding awkward.

Tense issues: You are telling the story in present tense so make sure everything is in its proper tenses. "To the left corner was a haggard lady named Jane S. Dinsol, an unpleasant neighbour of yours.", "Mr. Hathorne leads you to a polished, spacious courtroom, where the juries and witnesses were sitting on the long carved benches.", etc.

Capitalization issues: "truth-" you (You) scream "Perjury!"", "witchcraft." you (You) are too furious to even speak.", " Satan." you (You) are literally shaking right now out of anger.", ""Guilty... guilty... guilty...." each (Each) "guilty" is a seperate stab to your heart.", etc. As those are the start of new sentences, they need to be properly capitalized.

Punctuation left outside of dialogue: ""Ms. Windlow, you have been accused of witchcraft by a fellow convicted witch named Jane S. Dinsol. She has sworn to oath to tell the truth-" you scream "Perjury!"," Additionally, you should space it out so two speakers are never on the same line. ""I was visiting some of my friends," you reply. But the judge says, "Ambiguity. Your "visiting" could've been a ceremony."" This is pretty common in literature to space dialogue out to prevent misattribution and help story flow.

Story issues: The second person perspective really hits a hitch when you identify the protagonist later ("Margaret Windlow"). You might want to consider introducing this person in the beginning as the character instead of putting the reader in that narrative the entire time and then giving her name at the end. You can do this by opening with something along the lines of "You are Margaret Windlow..." or setting up the story as a hypothetical ("Imagine you are Margaret Windlow from Salem and are woken up..." It feels a bit odd to use second person perspective when telling a historical narrative without really setting it up.

The ending could also use a bit of work as "You will soon become just one of many victims of the Salem Witch Trials." feels like you were setting that up as a twist. However using the title and lines like "you are just a lowly Puritan widow and a loyal citizen just like them." already telegraph that point early in the story. 