R64: Mario for Hire./Transcript

This is a transcript for [[Retarded64: Mario for Hire.

Transcript
(Retarded64 opening)

Mario: Mama f**ker!

(The blooper starts with Mario's characters driving on Mario's Circuit retardedly)

Peach: E ya ta ya ta ya ta

(Peach crashes with her kart from the sky and exploded)

(Mario looking behind the block then turn away)

Waluigi: Yeah Yeah Yeah!

Mario: Ohohoh... WEEEEHEEHEEHEE!

(Mario looks at kart)

Mario: Alright! Sweet!

(Mario imagines riding kart and winning the race and bitches (princess peach and daisy) ).

(Mario gets in kart)

Mario: Let'sa go! Ohohoh! Get that motherf**ker!

(Mario launches forward)

Guy: And that's why Little Billy you can never play in the street. You might get yourself killed by.....

(Mario zoomed past Guy)

Guy: YOU MIGHT GET YOURSELF KILLED OUT THE...

(Mario flys backwards and takes Guy with him)

Little Billy: Da fuq?

(Guy dies, and then Luigi is nervous because Mario may run an old lady. Luigi saves her, but still Mario runs her, and his car finally crashes to Bowser's, destroying both cars. Everyone except Guy survives, then Bowser sees his destroyed car)

Bowser: WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FREAKIN' CAR?!

Mario: Oooooooo.... Luigi! Mama-mia!

Luigi: Aaaaaargh!! No.

(Bowser beats up Luigi, causing an explosion, while Mario leaves laughing)

Mario: I need a new kart...

(Mario enters a car)

Mario: Okee dokee, let's go!

Police: STAHP RIGHT THERE!!!

Mario: SH*T!!

Mario: Woah!

(Mario sees that there is a car sale, so Mario enters)

Mario: Woah!

(Mario finds the kart he wants, and starts to imagine himself with said kart)

Mario: Oh boy, that makes me so happy!

Man: NO! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!

(This man shows him the "No humping the cars!" sign)

(Mario asks the cashier the price of it)

Cashier: IT'S OVER 9000!!!

Mario: Let's go!

(Mario shows the cashier his money safe, even though it is empty, and murmers "son of a b*tch")

Mario: Hello bro! Can I have it for free?

Cashier: OKAY!

(Back in Peach's Castle, Mario has many injures, and he is covered with blood)

Mario: Mama F**ker!

Mario: (to Peach) Princess!

Peach: Mario? Oh f**k!

(Peach surprises of Mario's injures)

Mario: Princess 'a Peach... Mama mia! I need help...

Mario: Can I have some money?

(Peach kicks Mario out of her castle)

Peach: Get a job! Hippie!

Mario: D'oh!

(Super Mario job time!)

(On the next scene, Mario sells clothes worn by princesses)

(Bowser excites, and purchases some of them, giving Mario 10 coins)

Peach: Mario! You son of a b*tch!!! (Starts chasing Mario)

(Super Mario plumber time!)

Mario: Oh ****!

Pokémon trainer: Fix it! (many times, annoying Mario)

Mario: Grrrrr FINE!!!

(Pokémon trainer starts celebrating, while Mario places a Bob-Omb in the toilet)

Mario: There! That should take out the toilet clog!

Mario: The crapper is all fixed.

(Mario receives 90 coins)

(Pokémon trainer is singing in the bathroom, and the Bob-Omb explodes)

Pokémon trainer: OH SH*T!!! (Screamed in pain)

(Super Mario Internet time!)

Mario: Welcome to the Internet my friend! How can I help you?

(While the customer is talking about the problem, Mario says to give him some money, receiving 1 coin)

(Super Mario cafe time!)

(While Steve is making a huge order, Mario looks at Samus. Dr. Eggman appears with Gangnam Style playing in the background, but he is kicked out by Mario. Then Mario starts to hump on Samus receiving hundreds of coins [he now has 1000 coins], until Peach finds him humping)

Peach: Mario!

(Mario screams)

Steve: The hell did you just do?! Uh-huh?

(Mario runs away scared)

(Super Mario business time!)

(Mario is in a business room where some people work. Mario walks up to Trevor.)

Mario: See, I'm hungry. Have you got any food?

Trevor: You know what? I just realized that I don't care. (Holds a pistol)

Mario: Oh. (Jumps out of the way)

(Trevor shoots Mega Man Volnutt instead)

(Mario looks at a sandvich on the desk where Heavy is)

Mario: Come here fishy fishy! Yummy!

Heavy: What the f*ck do you want?!

Mario: Can I have it?

Heavy: No!

(Heavy throws Mario aside.)

Mario: (Groans)

(Heavy seemingly starts masturbating while working. But some moments later, Heavy stops typing and looks at his plate, only to realize that his sandwich is gone. Heavy gets pissed and throws a filing drawer at Shy Guy.)

Heavy: WHO TOUCHED MY SANDWICH?!

Mario: (spoken) Ooh...Luigi!

(Luigi appears on-screen)

Luigi: (spoken) Huh?

Heavy: (spoken) Incoming!

(Luigi screams)

(In the meantime, several executives are having a meeting. Luigi and Heavy can be seen fighting behind them)

Executive: (spoken) Come on! This idea is perfect! It shows how much kids love animals and--

(Luigi and Heavy crash through the window and into the room.)

Heavy: (spoken) This here work.

(Back at the castle)

Mario: (spoken) F**k this!

Mario: all these regular jobs aren’t giving me enough money!

Mario: (spoken) It’s time we take this flight...up a notch!

(Mario bursts into a building naked.)

Mario: (spoken) So...I heard you wanted some...pipes cleaned, eh?

(Daisy is glad to meet him, but the Old Man Hobo pops up)

Old Man Hobo: (spoken) Gary! What took you so long!

Mario: (spoken) Oh, no fucking way!

(Old Man Hobo is holding a plunger)

Old Man Hobo: (spoken) Back to work, fool!

(Mario has been regulated to checking pipes.)

Mario: (spoken) Mama f**ker!

Old Man Hobo: (spoken) Knock it off! What are you, in middle school or something?

Mario: (spoken) F**k you, old man!

(Mario crawls back to the castle.)

Mario: (spoken) Ooh...mama mia!

Toad: (spoken) Hey Mario!

Mario: (spoken) Oh brother!

Toad: I got an idea…

(The Mushroom Kingdom bank.)

(Mario rolls Toad in a baby carriage up to the worker)

Worker: good morning! and welcome to the mushroom kingdom bank!

Mario: (spoken) Hello, sir!

Worker: wow! cute baby you got there!

Toad: (spoken) Hello!

(The worker jumps back in shock.)

Mario: oh don’t worry about him...now we came here for…

Mario: oh! i have to go use the lady’s restroom!

(Mario runs away.)

Worker: (spoken) Oh wait wait wait, come back! Where are you going?

Toad: (spoken) Yay!

Worker: oh...umm..hi baby toad…

Toad: (spoken) Give me a donut!

Worker: (spoken) Or what?

Toad: (spoken) I punch you in da face!

Worker: (spoken) Pfft, you’re not gonna punch me in the--

(The worker falls over)

Toad: (spoken) Yeah, bitch! TROLOLOLOL...

(A bunch of Teletubbies crash through the roof, much to the shock of a passerby. Buzz Lightyear walks up to another random person who happens to be at the bank.)

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a fifteen-year-old girl.

Person: (screams)

(Mario walks into the bank vault and finds money lying on the ground.)

Mario: (spoken) Ooh…

Mario: (spoken) Yes! I’m the winner!

(Mario now has 10000000000 coins. He runs back to the bank counter, only to find the Teletubbies under arrest.)

Narrator: One day in Teletubbyland, Po, Laa-Laa, Tinky Winky, and Dipsy got arrested for robbing a bank and also damaging a roof.

Po: (spoken) Oh, f[BEEP] you you nerfherding piece of [BEEP]...

Toad: (spoken) Aw HELL no!

(Mario and Toad have been placed in a jail cell.)

Mario: (spoken) Oh wha—I wasn’t able to see my baby Mario! (cries)

Toad: (spoken) Nice job, dickface!

Voice: Oi you!! Shut your mouth and look at my wad!

(Mario finds that the voice is coming from the television set.)

(A commercial plays. The first shot is of Starman3 standing in front of a green background.)

Starman3: Loads-loads-loads of money!

(SMG4 floats across the screen.)

SMG4: This...is a journey...into money.

(Mario with Michael Jackson’s building dances while the text “Want some money!?” flashes on screen.)

(SMG4 and a pixelated Luigi are dancing in the background while Starman3 sings.)

Starman3: L-O-D-S OF E-M-O-N-E!

Starman3: What’s that spell?

(SMG4 and Starman3 flail around, excited.)

Starman3: LOADS OF MONEY!

Starman3: Prob’ly made...

(SMG4 dances. The text “Sell yourself for some money” flashes on screen.)

Starman3: Sing a song of sixpence, a pocket full of dosh

(Cut back to Mario looking up at the television. He slowly glances at Toad.)

Starman3: Debo debo debo debo Bosh Bosh Bosh!

Toad: ….what?

(Back at the castle, Peach looks at the spot where Toad used to be.)

Peach: uhh mario...where’s toad?

Mario: he’s in a better place now…

(Toad is at a carnival with dancers. Toad screams in horror.)

Toad: (spoken) Get me the heck out of here!!!

(Mario now has 9001 coins.)

(He heads back to the store and purchases the cart.)

(Mario hops on the cart and drives around. He hits Luigi, who looks behind and finds an angry Heavy.)

Heavy: (slow-motion) (spoken) WHO TOUCHED MY GUN?!

Mario: (spoken) Ooh! Bye-bye!

Luigi: (spoken) Mario!

Mario: (spoken) Say what?!

(Heavy makes an exaggerated face at Mario. He slowly corners Mario.)

Mario: can we be friends?

Heavy: (voice) Friendship is stupid magic! I am going to kill you and kill you and--

Mario: No!

(Mario turns into a muscle-bound version of himself. He is hit and flies far away. The kart lands on top of him and explodes.)

(Outro)

End of video