User blog:AgentMuffin/The pragmatic connotations of individual days of festivity and recreation where celebration tends to be an annual commotion

Hopping on the new trend.
 * New Year's Day
 * Despite being what, in recent times, should register expressions of relief that the preceding year is over, New Year's Day instead prompts anxiety that the new year will be even worse. I suppose that's why so many people drink on this holiday. Internet users living east of the IDL are advised to prepare for the gloating of those whose meaningless New Year's sunrise has already occurred.


 * Inauguration Day
 * When it really sets in that the world is irreversibly fucked, because regardless of your political leaning or opinion of the new president-elect, all politicians are evil and our endless toil lines their pockets. Also, we have a vice-president?! Why didn't the news say anything about them?


 * Valentine's Day
 * Romance is in the air&hellip; No wait, that's just the permeating stench of overthinking. Or maybe it's just the boxed dog-poison and fragrant severed plant genitalia. If you're single then this holiday is bound to make your life out to be a living hell, even if you don't otherwise care about having a relationship. Petition to just cancel this one; if you really care about your SO, you should be getting them sweet gifts without needing the pressure of a popular holiday to think to do so.


 * Easter
 * Listen, the only way this holiday could possibly make any sense any more is if the Big J reincarnated himself into a pregnant rabbit.


 * St. Patrick's Day
 * Oh boy, time to perpetuate leprechaun-themed stereotypes! You'd better remember to wear green in a highly visible place, or some random asshole will pinch you for some reason.


 * 4/20
 * The day where all your peers with bad senses of humor make the teenage equivalent of fart jokes. Here's a good tip for shutting down the obnoxious people who take advantage of this date: just remind them when Hitler was born.


 * Fourth of July
 * With my dwindling patriotism, this holiday becomes more and more meaningless every year.


 * Veterans Day
 * The day your school drags you into an assembly expecting you to honor the veterans of America's armed forces, which you're sure you would totally do if your school wasn't dragging everyone into an embarrassing, boring assembly.


 * Labor Day
 * Pretty much what Zog. said, honestly. I have no clue what this is.


 * Halloween
 * You know, all these props aren't as scary as they used to seem. Oh well. The free candy and parties more than make up for it.


 * Thanksgiving
 * Listen, if this bootleg chicken shit was any good, wouldn't we cook it more than once a year?


 * Mother's Day
 * Shit, when was this one again?


 * Father's Day
 * Uhh&hellip; Just, save up some neckties for whenever-this-is.


 * Christmas
 * The holliest, jolliest day of the year, where you build up a childlike sense of hype over the presents you could get the next day. Only to get a spoon. That's right, I'm still not over that, dad! Also Jesus was born or something, only it wasn't on this holiday and we all know it.