Guards N' Retards: The Butt Ninja/Transcript

This is a transcript of SuperMarioGlitchy4's video, Guards N' Retards: The Butt Ninja.

The Guards N' Retards series often uses both subtitles and voices at the same time. In the case of a discrepancy, the voice will be used in the transcript instead of the subtitles.

Transcript
(The video starts with Chris and Swagmaster69696969696 guarding a door.)

Chris: holy crap, i can't believe they re-assigned me here

Swag : WHAT THE FACK?!

where are all the sexy ass ladies they said in the commercial

Chris: you dumbass, you're working in a spaghetti factory

Swag: (camera spinning around) WHAAAAAAAT?

this is bullshit! i don't even know why i took this lameass job i could be banging weed throwing hippie parties and naked dancing with the president!

Swag: Penis penis penis penis penis!

Chris: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT

(cut to a factory worker playing Flappy Bird on his cell phone and losing)

Factory worker: FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU...

Admiral Greg: (walks into room) what the hell is going on?

Factory worker (offscreen): SHUT UP, GRANDMA! (Greg leaves) DRINK YO PRUNE JUICE! (a Buzzy Beetle is thrown at the door)

(cut to Chris)

Chris: my name's chris

since we're working togther i think it might be neccess-

Swag (interrupting Chris): hey, can you take my pants off?

Chris (backs away): what the shit

Swag: lol jks chris

you can call me by my utubes name

swagmaster69696969-

Chris (interrupting): yeah okay, i get it

Offscreen voice: TIME FOR TELETUBBIES! TIME FOR TELETUBBIES!

Chris: OH CRAP, the boss is coming

get into position

Swag: why? what's so scary about the boss?

(Tubbie Wonka walks in)

Tubbie Wonka: ♫ La-la-lee-la! ♫

Swag: HOLY DICK NUGGETS

what the FACK IS THAT?!

Chris: swag, what are you?...

Swag: STAHP IN THE NAME OF OUR BELOVED GAWD

STAHP, YOU FATTY WAT

(Tubbie Wonka shoots Swag) ahhhhh, AHHHHHHHH! (falls to the ground)

Chris: lol

Tubbie Wonka: stop messing around and get to work!

Chris: YES SIR!

Swag: how much am i being paid for this shet

Tubbie Wonka: YOU GET, ''NOTHING! (leaves)''

Swag: what a butthole

(Swag runs into the bathroom) I need to take a pee pee. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAA!

(Swag opens a stall only to find Morgan Freeman in front of the toilet)

Morgan Freeman: Everyone Poops, as read by Morgan Freeman, and frankly, I just don't give a shit!

(Morgan explodes)

Swag: What the sh*t?

(Swag runs back to Chris)

Swag: Dude, there's sum crazy guy women in the toilets

Chris: Yeah, well this whole factory is full of mental patients

(Swag is spinning around and making noises)

Swag: ????? (pronounced ess-ess-ess-ess-ess)

Chris: What the hell are you doing?

Swag: I am so b0red....

Chris: Yeah, well that's what you get for choosing a job like this

(gun shots are heard, accompanied by someone screaming)

Chris: Wow, what in the world?

(The Butt Ninja runs into view. Cut to long view of the Butt Ninja and then a long view of Chris. The Butt Ninja screeches as he runs away)

Chris: HE'S GETTING AWAY! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!

Swag: LOL, good luck with that!

(The Butt Ninja runs down the hall, laughing as Chris chases after him)

Chris: Godammit! Slow down!

(Cut to Swag still standing at his post, banging his head to Ass and Titties)

Swag: Oh yeah. Smack it.

(The Butt Ninja runs through the door)

Chris: Dude, watch out!

Swag: What the hell do you want? AHHHH, ASIAN NINJA WANTS MY TESTICLE!

(The Butt Ninja runs past Swag, knocking him down)

Swag: Aarrrrrggghhhh! MYYYYY BALLLS....

Chris: Oh sh*t! Swagmaster, are you okay?

(Swag is lying on the floor, seemingly close to death)

Swag: Do I fucking look okay, dumbass? Before I awsumly die, can you do one last thing, Chris?

Chris: Seek medical attention?

Swag: No. Boobs, Chris, boobs. Bring them to me quickly. Only b00bs can fix everything.

(Chris shoots him)

Swag: AAAAaaaahhhhh!

(cut to a hallway)

Swag: Ninja stealth mode activated.

(Swag pops into view)

Swag: SCHWOP!

(He goes back and forth behind the wall)

Swag: Penis, penis, penis! Wooooooo, I am a ninja!

Chris: Holy crap, hurry up!

(the Butt Ninja hides behind a wall as Swag runs past)

Swag: Where the hell is he? I'm gonna chop off his balls.

(Swag and Chris run down the hall)

Chris: Come out, come out, where ever you are!

(Chris sees Crazy Woman wandering around)

Chris: Who is that?

Swag: LADY, THERE IS A CRAZY ASS BUTT NINJA! GOING TO TAKE OUT YOUR BALLS!

Chris: Miss, it's not safe to be around here!

Crazy Woman: IT'S THE OLD MAN AND THE...RAISINS!

(she starts shooting all over the place)

Chris: Oh, Jesus Christ!

(Swag and Chris retreat)

Swag: GODAMMIT CHRIS!

(cut to Swag and Chris stopping to catch their breath)

Chris: Oh god...I think we're safe....

Swag: Why Chris? Why you piss off old people?

Chris: Oh shut up!

(Chris looks out the window, with the Crazy Woman still wandering around)

Chris: That psycho lady is still there! We need to get past her!

Swag: But....how?

(Greg suddenly appears)

Greg: Hey! You're not supposed to be here!

Swag: What does this gay fag want?

Greg: I am Admiral Greg. You should be at your post.

Swag: NO U!

Greg: Excuse me? That's very rude!

Swag: WANNA 1V1 ME FAGET? Come at me!

Greg: You should learn some manners!

Swag: Nipple twist!!

(Swag knocks Greg down)

Swag: Shut up, Greg.

Greg: Aaargh!

Chris: Hey Greg, there's an elderly person outside who needs help!

Greg: Greg is here to help!

Swag: Nipple twist!!

(Swag knocks Greg down again. Cut to Crazy Woman aiming her gun)

Crazy Woman: IT'S THE OLD MAN AND THE...

Greg: Hello m'am! Can I help you?

Crazy Woman: RAISINS!

(Greg screams as the crazy lady shoots him while Swag and Chris make their escape)

Swag: LOL douchebag!

Chris: Oh great...

Swag: Now what smart ass?

Chris: We find and punish that ninja!

(Swag is humping Chris)

Swag: In the balls!

Chris: Shut up, Swagmaster! And stop humping me!

Swag: In the balls! Wait what? No homo.

Chris: We'll split up, OK?

Swag: Butt ninja, where are you?

(Cut to Chris running down the hall)

Chris: Wait!

(Chris sees someone that looks like the Butt Ninja)

Chris: Aha! Got you! STOP RIGHT THERE MOFO!

(Chris knocks the person down)

Chris: Surprise buttsex!

(Chris realizes that he just knocked out Morgan Freeman)

Chris: Oh, what the fuck?!

Morgan Freeman: Tity sprinkles!

Chris: WUT!?

(Morgan explodes on Chris. Meanwhile, Swag catches up to the Butt Ninja)

Swag: Ah. We meet again, butt ninja!

(Cut to long view of the Butt Ninja)

Swag: This is why they call me Swag master. Swag mode: activate!

(Swag starts raving and using his swag at the Butt Ninja, who eventually joins him in dancing)

Swag: SWAG. SWAG. SWAG. SO. MUCH. SWAG.

Chris: WHAT THE MOTHER DUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!

Swag: (unintelligible) God dammit Chris! You screwed up my swag!

Chris: Well sh*t! I thought you were called Swag Master just cause you wanted friends.

Swag: That's bullsh*t! I have friends! Butt Ninja is my friend!

(Butt Ninja shoots him)

Swag: AH JESUS CHRIST!

Chris: OH NO! He's getting away! Get that motherf**ker!

Swag: For the mother lands!

(Butt Ninja runs around the corner)

Swag: He has to be around here!

(Swag runs up to the factory worker from before, still playing Flappy Bird.)

Swag: Hey you! Have you seen a ninja that likes to touch butts?

(The factory worker dies)

Worker: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

Swag: Wow...OK then...

Chris: Oh there he is!!! Why are you here? Just tell us!

(Greg reappears)

Greg: I'm back b*tches!

Swag: Shut up, Greg.

(Swag nipple twists Greg yet again)

Chris: Come on, Swag. We are almost ther-

(Chris notices Morgan Freeman in the window)

Morgan Freeman: I can smell you.

Chris: Ahh sh*t!

(Morgan explodes)

Chris: Dammit...we lost him...again.

Swag: Don't be :( Chris. At least you tried.

Chris: Wow, really? That might be the nicest thing you've said.

Swag: Lol jks, you're a faget, Chris.

(Chris stares at Swag in disbelief. The Butt Ninja disappears around the bend)

Chris: Hey! Did you see that?

Swag: God! Screw this Nintendo game!

(Chris and Swag enter the bathroom)

Chris: He's in here somewhere...

Swag: Hello anyone?

(Swag opens up a stall)

Swag: Just poop lol. Maybe this one?

(He opens the next one, only to find Crazy Woman in there)

Crazy Woman: RAISINS!

Swag: OH SH*T NO! How about this?

(He opens the third stall, only to have someone scream at him)

Swag: Hey nice underwear.

Chris (staring up at the air vents): Oh crap...

Swag: What?...Oh...Boost me up!

Chris: Why? He's probably already gone.

Swag: Just do it faget!

(Swag is now in the air vent)

Swag: Wow! It smells like my house in here!

Chris: Is the butt ninja up there?

Swag: There aren't any balls or butts to touch in here...

(Cut to a factory worker talking with Sergeant Peters)

Factory Worker: Sir, want to try the new rat killers we installed in the air vents?

Sergeant Peters: Lawl, do it cause I'm a faget!

(Swag gets burnt)

Swag: AHHHHH!! ERFAHHHH! SH*T SH*T SH*T!

(Cut to Swag and Chris back at their post)

Chris: He he, sorry about that!

Swag: Shut the fuck up!

Chris: Hey come on! Today's your first day! We had fun, right?

Swag: Oh yeah, being burnt, getting ninja aids, and losing swag was fun...

Chris: Yeah, well, deal with it. This is your job now...

(Morgan Freeman appears)

Morgan Freeman: GOTCHA B*TCH!

(Chris screams as Swag stares in confusion)

Swag: The f**k? Swag mode activate!

(the video ends)