Guards N' Retards: Le Train Breach is the twetlfth episode of Season 5 and the two hundred and twenty-third overall to be uploaded by SMG4.
The video begins on a train with Swagmaster6969696969 and Chris in it on their break. They are discussing Swagmaster's method of getting ladies, which in this case had Swagmaster telling them that he has gotten Ebola during a war. Chris tells him once again that his idea would not make him any more attractive. Swagmaster reiterates that all the ladies scream with rejoice and adds that Chris said that because he only has his mom. Upon which Chris counters by saying that at least he did not mistake a naked hobo for his mom, resulting in Swagmaster becoming sad. Then, a woman enters their room, saying that she has a message from their superiors, just for Swagmaster to try his idea on her.
It naturally fails as the woman runs away screaming in horror. Swagmaster's idiocy makes him believe those screams were of rejoice while Chris just sighs as he gives up trying to convince Swagmaster his idea would fail. Soon after, on the intercom, Sergeant Mark tells the two guards to get back to work, causing Swagmaster to complain about why he could not just stuff the thing they needed to guard in his butthole so he could guard it but Chris tells him that there was a reason why he hired guards to watch over the cargo.
As they prepare to check the cargo, an intruder appears in the cargo room. Swagmaster thinks the person in the room is a guard covering their shift. Chris correctly identifies the person as a spy. Swagmaster checks if that is true by fondling the spy. He opens fire on the spy but misses.
The spy takes the briefcase and runs out through the door. Swagmaster is confused as to how he disappeared and believes the spy used magic while Chris is worried about what the spy took with him: the secret intelligence. Not wanting to get fired, Chris radios Sergeant Mark to stop the train. He is skeptical as to why he should stop the train but Swagmaster frantically tells him that Chris is pregnant, shocking him into stopping the train. Although Swagmaster manages to get the train to stop, Chris berates him for saying something so dumb. Swagmaster brushes it off and the duo heads after the spy.
As they return to the passenger corridor, Swagmaster announces to the passengers that they should remain calm and they are all going to die, causing everyone to panic. Chris scolds Swagmaster once again for saying something wrong and tries to calm the situation down by telling the passengers that Swagmaster was just joking.
Swagmaster looks for the spy while Chris locks every possible exit in the train. Swagmaster searches through the cabins but does not find the spy. (Although in the third cabin he finds a guy blowing another guy, horrifying him.) When Chris returnes, he sees his friend banging his head against the wall after witnessing what he saw just now. He concludes that the spy must hiding among the civilians and may be using a disguise as well. Swagmaster declares it is was time for some "swag-styled interrogation".
Swgmaster approaches a man and demands that he give his full co-operation. He asks what is the color of his underwear. The man is unsure and said blue, upon which Swagmaster shoots him dead and saying it was a trick question due to not wearing any underwear. Much to Chris' exasperation. Swagmaster questions another man and asks him to confess to what he did due to the boner in his pants. The man is confused by Swag's nonsensical question.
Swagmaster said to the man not to lie to him because he knew everything (in this shot, the spy could be seen to Swagmaster's right/the viewer's left in plain sight). The man then confessed that he hid a dead man's body under his bed and that he might have touched it, causing Swagmaster to celebrated his victory. Chris, fed-up with Swagmaster's idiocy, punched him for wasting time. The spy, knowing it was better to stay hidden, went further through the corridor.
Just then, Crazy Raisin Lady, appeared and rushed past the spy, knocking him down. She then turned around and picked up the suitcase, thinking it was her luggage. As she went down the corridor, Swagmaster saw her with the suitcase, prompting him to shoot her down. Knowing he must get the suitcase back at all cost, the spy quickly formed a plan. As if an answer to his plans, Pointy Boob Lady came out of the toilet wondering what was the commotion all about.
The spy decided to use her to distract Swagmaster by telling her about her untied shoelace. She bent over, showing her butt and the spy waited. Meanwhile, thinking it was all over, Swagmaster took the suitcase and went back to the cargo hold room. Suddenly, he saw Pointy Boob Lady's butt. Attracted, he spanked it, just to see her hideous face, causing him to faint in horror. In the process, the spy snatched the briefcase back. Chris however, saw what the spy did and chased after him. As he prepared to shoot down the spy, Greg suddenly appeared, spooking Chris into firing randomly and killing everyone except for the spy. Swagmaster then sarcastically said that his aim was nice. The spy suddenly went through the floor, much to Chris' confusion and Swagmaster exclaiming it was part of the Illuminati.
As the spy headed to the control room of the train which was decorated with baby balloons in anticipation for Chris' baby, he encountered Sergeant Mark who although was ready to fire his gun, only asked if he was early. The spy quickly beat up Sergeant Mark and knocked him out before escaping via the room's trap door. The two guards then made it to the control room wondering if he was in the room. They did not find the spy but did see their superior knocked out on the floor, which Chris commented it was almost as good as a dead spy and Swagmaster commenting that was already the third time he died. Sergeant Mark then said they completely sucked. He also had something to say to Chris which excited him. Sergeant Mark said good luck on the baby and that he was lucky, just for Chris to angrily shoot him. Swagmaster then reminded Chris to chase after the spy, causing Chris and Swagmaster to leave the train quickly.
As they left the train to chase after the spy, Swagmaster jokingly congratulated Chris on the baby, causing Chris to threaten Swagmaster to shut up before he stabbed him. Meanwhile, the spy, revealed to be Agent Biker, radioed his boss that he was heading to the depot. The boss though did not get the message properly due to being distracted by his videos and asked what was it that Agent Biker said just now. Back to the guards, Swagmaster complained that the place was really crappy for the spy to be but Chris said that the train tracks led here and there were no other clues to follow. Just then, Swagmaster alerted Chris that there was someone coming over and told him to hide.
Turned out he was right to hide: A guard was patrolling the area although he was unhappy that he had to do so at that time when he could be reading Twilight. Swagmaster called him a loser, just for Chris to tell him to shut up and follow him. As they snuck into the depot building, Swagmaster mentioned how his balls were tingling and asked Chris if his balls were tingling, resulting in Chris to tell him to do one very simple thing, shut the f*** up.
With that said, Chris happily went inside with Chris feeling sad. Suddenly, they met Agent Biker again. They quickly pointed their guns at him with Swagmaster threatening to put his pistol up his boss' a**. The boss was also there and when Swagmaster looked down, he freaked out while Chris was confused as to whether the small guy was indeed the boss. He replied that if they kept mocking his size, he would put them into the ground. Swagmaster ignored the warning and said that he would also decide to stick a croissant up his a**, just for the boss to use his groin to punch Swagmaster's groin before requesting for the briefcase. Before opening it, he said that the guards' company had been ruining his company for years and that it would end now, saying his name to be Reymond D. Gai. Swagmaster was confused by the content and thought it was their boss' secret porn collection because he had no idea what was it but Chris realized with horror that it was their workplace's secret spaghetti formula. Swagmaster was still confused, as he never expected to work for a spaghetti factory, even though Chris reminded him that they had been working in the factory for over a year. Chris then berated Swagmaster for not knowing. Suddenly, Reymond wanted to tell a backstory on his motive for stealing their company's formula.
In it, he said that they were familiar with their company's franchise, Fresh spaghetti Tubbie, even though Swagmaster said he was not. That name was still in his memory as he recalled that Tubbie Wonka, creator of such an ambitious name, was the ambitious boss himself. He also mentioned how back then, he thought of it as nothing more as a roadblock but soon, his own company failed as Tubbie Wonka's company produced spaghetti that was much better than his, as demonstrated by X's reaction to it, forcing him to live a life of solitude. When X asked Tubbie Wonka what made it delicious, he replied it was Tubby Custard.
Reymond did not what was the Tubby Custard but said it still made him broke. As he was about to explain how it led to him stealing the formula, he realized both Swagmaster and Chris fell asleep, pissing him off. The two awoke shocked with both of them claiming they were listening but Reymond was not buying it. He said that as they did not want to listen, he found them useless and ordered Agent Biker to kill them, causing them to panic. Swagmaster then went after Reymond.
As he chased after the boss, Reymond turned around and asked what would he get out of catching him, which Swagmaster answered by giving him a beret and a french mustache before telling the audience to pay him for what he did, causing Reymond to get angry and attack him, although it did not do much to Swagmaster. The fighting eventually built to something that sounded sexual, with Chris commenting on how it quickly escalated. Suddenly, Agent Biker ambushed him from behind, just to be killed by Tubbie Wonka from the back, who was accompanied by Sergeant Mark who said he was not dead but only suffered from major a** damage, which Chris said that no one cared. Swagmaster then indicated that he needed help, causing Chris, Tubbie Wonka, and Sergeant Mark to come over.
Chris told Reymond that they outnumbered him while Sergeant Mark added that all his guards were dead. Defeated, Reymond said that although Tubbie Wonka won the round, the war was not over. He then summoned the Flying Spaghetti Monster, his creation, to take him away along with the recipe formula. Knowing he could not just let that fire him, Chris told Swagmaster to use his launcher, which he gladly did and fired a Morgan Freeman missile to take down Reymond, causing him to drop the recipe back to Swagmaster's hands. However, it disintegrated instantly, causing Tubbie Wonka to flip out.
Later on, both Swagmaster and Chris were suspended from their job for letting the recipe be destroyed. Swagmaster asked Chris how he felt about the suspension and his thoughts on the fact that no one ordered anything from the factory. However, Chris committed suicide as a result of being suspended. Afterward, the scene switched over to Peach's Castle where Mario was having a spaghetti feast. Suddenly, Reymon and his creation crashed into the room Mario was in where Reymond quickly pulled away from Mario, telling him that he saw nothing.
- Woman (appears to inform Swagmaster and Chris an order from Sergeant Mark but ran away from Swagmaster after he told her he had Ebola)
- Random people on the train
- Crazy Raisin Lady (appears before knocking down Agent Biker but was killed by Swagmaster)
- Pointy Boob Lady (appears just after Swagmaster recovered the suitcase from Crazy Woman)
- Greg (appears just after Chris saw Agent Biker steal the briefcase but was accidentally killed by Chris after he spooked him)
- X (appears in Reymon's backstory as Tubby Wonka's satisfied customer)
- Morgan Freeman (Shot from Titty Launcher)
- Mario (appears at the end)
- Justin Bieber (Mentioned by Swagmaster as he claimed he listened to Reymon's backstory)
- In the scene where the train is slowing down violently, it is actually already stopped on the rails. SMG4 moved the camera to give the appearances of motion, but the effect was undermined by the ground being clearly visible.
- At 8:21, Chris says Reymond instead of Reymon.
|Can I sing a song for you?|
|This music list is incomplete and needs to be completed. Any user is obliged to do so.|
- 4:26 - Biz Markie - Just A Friend
- Although being the fifth episode of Guards N' Retards, this one is only the second one to use a custom thumbnail, the first being Guards N' Retards: Prisoners.
- This is the second blooper of SMG4 to reference Ebola, the first being SM64 bloopers: The Idea block.. Both were released in 2015, although the most recent Ebola epidemic started at the end of 2013.
- This video has references to Team Fortress 2; for instance, the spy turns invisible a number of times, an ability shared by the spies of TF.
- The demand of a suspect to divulge the color of Swagmaster's underwear is a reference to the SpongeBob Squarepants episode, Krab Borg.
- Swagmaster says that Sergeant Mark has been killed twice before as the latter is being shot. This is true: Mark had previously died in Guards N' Retards: Pointy Things and Guards N' Retards: Swag Party Hostages, respectively.
- SMG4 made numerous references to France with this blooper, down to the title including the word "le". Another detail is that the Frenchman Reymond D. Gai speaks English with an accent, for example saying "ze briefcase" rather than "the briefcase" and "zat boss" instead of "that boss". When he flies on the Flying Spaghetti Monster, he also sings "alouette", a popular French Canadian children's song about plucking the feathers from a lark, in retribution for being woken up by its song.
- However, the jokes about France can be considered as offensive for some French people.
- Chris and Swag were revealed in this blooper to have been working in the Spaghetti Factory for a year. It is also revealed that Mario gets all of his spaghetti from this factory.
- This fact is rather odd since in Retarded64: Mario and the spaghetti factory, he stated that "[The method in which the spaghetti is made at Fresh Tubbie Spaghetti] is unacceptable!!!!!"
- This is the first Guards N' Retards episode to have a YouTuber other than SMG4 appear. Namely, Nintendofan997 makes a brief appearance during Gai's flashback.
- It's implied Chris' real name may actually be Christopher.