This is the transcript for Guards N' Retards: Le Train Breach.
(A corridor on a train)
Caption: Somewhere, on a train...
(Camera pans to show a room with Chris and Swagmaster in)
Swagmaster: So do you think my idea will work?
Chris: For the last time! Telling girls you got ebola from the war doesn't make you anymore attractive!
Swagmaster: B*tch! All the ladies scream in rejoice when they see me! All you got is your mom. Lololol!
Chris: Yeah, well at least I don't mistake mine for a naked hobo on the streets!
(Sad music plays as a close up of Swagmaster is shown.)
Random Lady: Umm... excuse me, but the higher-ups have asked...
Swagmaster: Hey sexy, I've got Ebola! :D
(The lady runs away, screaming)
Swagmaster: See Chris? Screams of rejoice! :D
Intercom: Attention. Message for Swagmaster and Chris.
Sargent Mark: (through intercom) You idiots! I didn't pay you to scratch your balls! Get off your break and get back to work! Don't make me come over there and slap your butt cheeks!
Chris: Sergeant f*g is at it again... Better get back to work.
Swagmaster: What a butt hole...
(Scene cuts to the cargo)
Swagmaster: Why can't he just shove the precious item up his a*s so HE can guard it... God...
Chris: Why do you think he hired guards to protect the cargo? Idiot.
(Scene shows a Spy with the Intelligence)
Swagmaster: Oh sweet! Another guard is covering for us! Let's go spank some ladies Chris!
Chris: YOU DUMBA*S! IT'S A FRICKEN SPY!
Swagmaster: WHAT!? IS IT REALLY A SPY?! (Licks spy's Pingas) HOLY CRAP! (Pulls out gun) IT REALLY IS A SPY! LET'S KILL THIS DUMBASS! Chris let's kill him now!
Chris: (Shocked) Wait... what did you just...
Swagmaster:(Fires gun at spy) AAAAAHFGAFRTHFRDSARAARAARARARARRARRR (Spy avoids shots)
(The Spy grabs the intelligence and runs)
Swagmaster: WAIT, WHAT? WHERE DID THAT BUTT HOLE GO!? MAGICS CHRIS!? HE IS A WIZARD!
(The Spy exits through a door, which closes)
Chris/Swagmaster: AHHHH THE SECRET INTELLIGENCE!/SWEET JEBUS HE'S USING MAGICS!
Chris: SCREW THIS! I'M NOT GETTING FIRED JUST YET! (Pulls out Walkie-Talkie) Sargeant! You need to stop the train!
Sargent Mark: What? Why would I do that?
Swagmaster: It's an emergency! CHRIS IS PREGNANT! SERGEANT, STAHP RIGHT NOW!
Sargent Mark: SWEET JEBUS ON A STICK!
(Train screeches to a halt)
Chris: You're a retard, you know that?
Swagmaster: LOL Chris no time for talking. Let's go stop that wizard!
(Back in corridor)
Swagmaster: (Holding gun) OK, everyone don't panic, but you're all gonna die!
Chris: You dickhead! That's not what you say! Everyone calm down he was just joking. (Someone blows up)
Swagmaster: Oh for God's sake, I'll try finding the spy. (Runs down the corridor) Move it! Out of the way! Coming through! (Opens toilet door) Hello? You in here magical wizard? (Looks in what looks like a bedroom) Oh godammit... (Checks in random room, there is a man licking another man's Pingas) AHHHH MY EYES!
(Scene cuts to what seems to be the bedroom)
Chris: OK, I locked every possible exit so he couldn't escape...
Swagmaster: (Banging head against wall) AH THE DEMONS OF HELL BURN MY EYES!
Chris: So basically the spy has to be hiding among the civilians! He may even be in disguise!
Swagmaster: Then it's time for some swag styled interrogation!
Swagmaster: You, baldy! You better co-operate!
Bald Guy: I will! I'll tell anything you want!
Swagmaster: What’s the colour of my underwear?
Bald Guy: The shit? I don’t know!!! Blue?!
(Bald Guy gets shot)
Swagmaster: Trick question Bitch! I'M NOT WEARING ANY UNDERWEAR!
Chris: Fricking Hell Swagmaster...
Swagmaster: CONFESS! WE KNOW YOU DID IT! THAT BONER IN YOUR PANTS PROVES IT!
Random Guy: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN MAN!
Swamaster: DON'T LIE TO ME BITCH! I KNOW ALL!
Random Guy: ok Ok! I confess...I’m the one who did it... I shoved the dead body under my bed... and maybe even touched it a little.
Swagmaster: LOLOLOLOLOL. I WON Bitches! I WON Bitches! (Slow motion) I Won Bitches!
(Chris slaps Swagmaster)
Swagmaster: Ow... The hell Chris!?
Chris: Shut up, you are just wasting time, goddamn it.
(Crazy Raisin Lady Appears)
Crazy raisin Lady: MEET THE OLD MAN AND RAISINS! (Knocks The suitcase on the floor)
Crazy Raisin Lady: oh! That's where I left my bag of raisins! (picks up suitcase)
Swagmaster/Chris: LOL DON'T WORRY, LOL DON'T WORRY, LOL DON'T WORRY, LOL DON'T WORRY, LOL DON'T WORRY, LOL DON'T WORRY/Dude stop messing around! AND HELP! WHY ARE YOU SPINNING LIKE THAT? JESUS CHRIST YOU USELESS MAN!
Swagmaster: (Sees Crazy Lady with the suitcase) Hey! wait a minute!
Crazy lady: la la la
Swagmaster: THERE'S THE BUTT HOLE! (Shoots The Crazy Raisin Lady)
(Swagmaster grabs the suitcase)
Chris: umm...Hooray...I guess?
Agent Biker: (Watch in the background)
Woman?: Oh man... what's with all the ruckus outside?
Agent Biker: Uhh, your shoelace is untied...
Swagmaster: Ok well I'm taking the stupid briefcase back to the cargo.
(Swagmaster suddenly stares at a woman's butt)
(some music plays)
Swagmaster: oh snap!
(slaps the woman's butt)
Woman: Watch it duck brother!
Swagmaster: HOLY CRAP MY EYES THEY'RE BURNING (sets him on fire) AAHHAAHAHAHAHAHRAGH (drops the briefcase)
(Agent Biker runs for the suitcase)
Chris: NONONONO!! NO YOU DON'T!
(Agent Biker stops running)
Chris: HA HA! I got you now!
Greg: WHAT'S UP BITCHES GREG IS IN THE HOUSE
Chris: HOLY TIT BISCUIT!
(Chris mistakenly shoots Greg and everyone except Agent Biker)
Chris: JESUS CRAP SORRY WHOOPS DIDN'T MEAN THAT! Oh god! I'll see you in hell spy! (He's out of ammo.)
Swagmaster: WOW! NICE AIMING ASS HAT!
(Agent Biker escapes)
Chris: What the? Where'd he go!?
(Meanwhile, in the cargo hold...)
(Agent Biker sees Sergeant Mark with all of the decorations for the baby)
Sergeant Mark: (Sergeant Mark blows the party horn while holding a gun against Agent Biker) Am I too early?
(Agent Biker starts attacking Sergeant Mark)
Sergeant Mark: OOH AH OOOOH GAWD NAT THE BALLS
(Agent Biker completely escaped from the train)
Chris: Is he in here?? dammit! I mean all we got here is a dead Sergeant... that's almost as good as a dead spy.
Swagmaster: Yeah and he's died 3 times already! What a fag!
Sargent Mark: You guys seriously suck you know that? *cough* Chris... I must tell you... something... *cough*
Chris: Oh boy! What is it Sergeant Mark?
Sargent Mark: Good luck on that baby you lucky- (Chris starts shooting him) *screams in pain*.
Swagmaster: Dude... as much as you're having fun and being pissed... maybe we should be chasing the spy right about now...
Swagmaster: Congrats on the baby Chris.
Chris: Shut up before I stab you.
(Meanwhile at Agent Baker...)
Agent Biker: (on the phone) This is Agent Biker. I'm coming to the depot now.
(In the depot while watching TV)
Lady on the TV: Kitty kitty kitty. Do you want to pet the kitty? Yes, I want to pet the kitty. Pet, pet, pet. aheheh
Reymond: (on the phone) I am sorry, what was that you said?
(Train Depot 10:43pm time card)
Swagmaster: This place is really crappy for a spy to come to...
Chris: Yeah, well the train tracks passes here and we've got nothing else to go on!
Swagmaster: Uh-oh somebody is coming! Hide your ass!
Guard: Uhh stupid boss, why now of all time? Why do I guard when I could be reading Twilight or something!?
Swagmaster: (staring at a guard) Wow what a loser...
Chris: Just shut up and come on!
(guard enters the depot by opening the metal blinds)
Chris: Hurry up and get behind me!
Swagmaster: This is so exciting! My balls are tingling! ARE YOUR BALLS TINGLING CHRISTOPHER GORDMAN!?
Chris: Hey Swagmaster... let me tell you something. SHUT. THE. F***. UP. (Swagmaster has a sad face.) Okay! Glad we cleared things up. (Chris looking at Agent Biker) Hey look who it is...
(Swag and Chris went towards Agent Biker with their guns)
Chris: Stop! We have you now!
Swagmaster: YEAH! And who is your boss!? I would like to shove this gun up his ass! And make him think twice! Thank you!
Reymond: Zat boss, would be me.
Swagmaster: (Swagmaster turns his head down towards him and screams like Homer Jay Simpson as if he's a really short boss) HOLY CRAP TU TINY WOW WOW JEBUS 2SPOOKY4ME
Chris: Umm... are you sure you're the boss?
Reymond: Mock my size again, and I'll put you in the ground.
Swagmaster: Aww! Look at the little midget French boss! How about instead of a gun, I'll put a croissant up your ass!
(Reymond punches Swagmaster in the Pingas by a dick puncher for mocking him)
Reymong: Servant. Ze briefcase, if you please.
(Agent Biker drops the brief case on the ground)
Reymond: For too long has your company ruining mine, but now it is all over! If my name isn't Reymond D. Gai!
(Reymond got the secret spaghetti formula out of the briefcase)
Swagmaster: Umm... what the hell is that?
Reymond: Wait... what?? Are you serious?!
Swagmaster: Yeah! No shit! Is that our boss' secret porn stache or something? Cause I have no idea...
Chris: YOU DUMB BRICK! IT'S THE SECRET SPAGHETTI FORMULA!
Swagmaster: Wait! We work for a spaghetti factory?
Chris: Yes! For over a year now!
Swagmaster: We have?
Chris: You are a freaking retard!
Swagmaster: I am?
Reymond: Gentlemen! I think it's time for a bit of backstory eh? I am sure you're familiar with your company franchise...
Swagmaster: Uh no not really...
(Backstory starts with the logo of Fresh Spaghetti Tubbie)
Reymond: Fresh Spaghetti Tubbie. Yes, that name still haunts me till this day, with an ambitious name, came your ambitious boss.
Tubbie Wonka: CHOCOLAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!!!
Reymond: At first, I thought nothing of it, a meaningless bump in the road, but to my demise, the company I have built up began to crumble, all because he had that one ingredient.
(X tried the spaghetti from Fresh Spaghetti Tubbie)
X: WOOW! (oil barrels were blown up in a unusual way) WHHAHAWOOW! WHY IS IT THIS TASTY???
Tubby Wonka: Tubby Custard Tubby Custard!!!
(Clip from R64: Mario and the retarded spaghetti factory)
Reymond: What was this tubby custard? I did not know, but it caused me to go broke and live a life of solitude, (bactstory ends) and that is why I have resulted in doing...
(Swagmaster and Chris were sleeping during the backstory)
Reymond: YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!
(Reymond's really loud scream causes them to wake up really fast)
Swagmaster/Chris: Justin Bieber's sweet ass!?!?!!?/Wow wow! I was listening!
Reymond: If that's how you want to be, then I have no use for you. SERVANT! Take them out.
Agent Biker: GET OUT!
(Swagmaster and Chris screaming)
Swagmaster: I'LL GET THAT TINY LITTLE MIDGIT!
(Swagmaster stops at Reymond)
Swagmaster: You ain't fleeing anywhere tiny man!
Reymond: And what exactly do you achieve following me?
Swagmaster: WHY THIS OF COURSE!
(Swagmaster puts a French hat on this head and a French mustache on his face)
Swagmaster: Oh that's alot better! You people watching better pay me for this!
(Reymond got really pissed and he starts attacking him)
Swagmaster: Oh SHIT! Not the nipples! Oh god! You're tiny hands fight like a sissy!
Reymond: AWW HAW HAW! GIVE IT TO ME BABY! (Camera points at Chris) Let me put my French baguette into your croissant.
Chris: Well, that escalated quickly.
(Agent Biker appears in the scene with his gun against Chris)
Agent Biker: Stop right there, criminal scum! You violated my mother!
(Agent Biker suddenly got a gunshot from Tubbie Wonka)
Sergeant Mark: HEY EVERYONE! I'm not dead! I just have major ass damage!
Chris: NO ONE GIVES A SHIT! Oh! By the way, hey boss!
(Tubbie Wonka waves his hand at Chris)
Tubby Wonka: Hello.
(Camera cuts back to the fighting scene with Swagmaster and Reymond)
Swagmaster: I DON'T KNOW... MAYBE SOME HELP! YOU USELESS BUTTHOLES!
Chris: REYMOND! We outnumber you! Give up now!
Sergeant Mark: We also killed your guards! So you're screwed!
(Tubbie Wonka makes stupid noises from Homer Simpson)
Reymond: You may have won the battle Signor Tubbie! But you haven't won this war! Come! My creation! And take me away!
(Then the Flying Spaghetti Monster appears)
Swagmaster: WHAT IN THE HOLY SHIT IS THAT!!!!!
Sergeant Mark: Get him! He still has the formula!
Reymond: Ha! Ha! Maybe it is I who won this round!
Chris: A midget French dude on a flying spaghetti monster aren't gonna get me fired! Swagmaster, do that launcher thing!
Swagmater: Titty launcher!
(Launches Morgan Freeman up in the air)
(Reymond singing some fling song)
(Reymond screams at Morgan Freeman)
Morgan Freeman: Everybody wants to smell like titty sprinkles.
(Then the flying spaghetti monster was blown up by Morgan Freeman's titty sprinkles)
(Then the spaghetti formula fell down to the floor)
(Victory... until the spaghetti formula was unexpectedly set on fire)
Tubbie Wonka: Motherfu-
Swagmaster: WELP! We've been suspended from our jobs! How does it feel Christopher?
(Chris holds a gun up his head for suicide)
Swagmaster: It's weird finding out this whole place is a spaghetti factory
(Chris kills himself)
Swagmaster: Man! It must be a pretty retarded one! And I bet no one orders anything from here! Am I right, Chris? Chris?
(Then we now move on to Mario)
Reymond: You did not see anything.