This is the transcript of Guards N' Retards: Pointy Things.
Swag (offscreen): MARCO!
Chris: Dude! Stop assing around!
Swag (offscreen): POLO!
Chris: Shut up!
Swag (offscreen): MARCOOOOOOOOOO!
Chris: SWAG! We're supposed to be protecting the sergeant's office. Get your ass over here!
(Swag is spinning around inside a box)
Swag: But I don't want toooo.
Chris: Oh look! A blow up doll!
Swag: Where is it?! It's mine!
Chris: Calm down! It was just a joke.
(Swag shoots Chris)
Swag: Y u do dis?
(Pointy Boob Lady walks in)
Pointy Boob Lady: ♫ La la la la laaaa! ♫
Swag: Huh? Who's that? ...woah...is that? HOLY SHIT POINTY BOOBIES!!!
Pointy Boob Lady: Hi! Can I help you?
Swag: BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES!
PBL: What the balls? (screams and runs away)
Swag: Aww...she ran away.
Chris: Well, I wonder why?
Swag: Shut up, Chris! You see how pointy those boobies were? They could pop a balloon!
Chris: As much as we all like triangular polygons, I think you shouldn't focus on women's body parts.
Swag: Eyes on the prize, Chris, eyes on the prize.
Sergeant Mark: What are you dumbasses doing?
Swag: What you call me?! I'll let you know i am the king of chopanese!
Chris: Sergeant Mark! This is a surprise!
Swag: (continuing) Ahh, goddammit, Chris! Why did you block my view?
Mark: Shut up :D I don't need ya charity.
Chris: We're just guarding your office sir, just like you told us.
Swag: (continuing) Who's this douche bag anyway? Is he part of the Wiggles?
Mark: That's right! (walks over to Swag) Listen to your superiors.
Swag: Jesus Christ, dude, get a tic tac or something.
Mark: I'll be going...you two better not slack off! (walks away) ♫ Cruisin' down the street in mah 6 four, jockin da beaches, slappin da hose... ♫
Swag: ...I'm gonna murder the Wiggles now...
Chris: If you want to be on top you got to play by the rules.
Swag: (runs down the hall and around a corner) Yeah, OK, LOL, I'm gonna find Pointy Boob Lady.
Chris: (chases after Swag) godammit Swagmaster!
Swag: (passes disgruntled employees) i am coming pointy boobies! lololololol
Disgruntled Employee 1: Ya know, day after day it's the same 'ol shit, ya know Kev, we gotta do something, we gotta get right Kevin, we gotta get right. this what you gotta do Kevin, (hands Kevin a pistol) Load the gun up Kevin, load the gun up Kevin (Kevin cocks the pistol) Fucking cock it back Kevin, (Kevin raises the gun) Unload on these n****s Kevin, UNLOAD!!!!!!!
Disgruntled Employee 2 (Kevin): (starts spazzing out) POW POW POW POW POW (Kevin shoots 4 guards, the Tubbie Wonka, and an innocent bystander, cut back to Chris looking for Swag)
Chris: Bloody hell! where did he go!? (goes down stairs, sees Swag) there you are! what are you doing?
Swag: There she is.
(Cut to PBL, with muffled "Ass and Titties" playing in the background)
Swag: Boobies. Ass. Boobies ass ass boobies... (continues)
Chris: i'm gonna guess you're going to apologize to her
Swag: no chris! eyes on the prize!
Chris: you've never seen boobs even if it hit you in the head!
Swag: i would like that :D
Chris: oh shut up
Swag: now watch and learn as i show you... swagmaster's 7 SECRET STEPS TO GETTING POINTY BOOBS!
(Letters spell out "Step 1")
Swag: firstly, if you want a girl to notice you...you must do it romantically chris, meet my asian midgit messanger chang
(cut to a tiny Asian man in wearing a suit and fedora)
Chang: What's up?
Swag: he will deliever my mysterious love letter (Chang is shown walking over to PLB) to the pointy boobs
PBL: huh? who's there!?
Chang: Yo wassup?
PBL: omg! you're so cute! why don't we go on a date! :D
Swag: ...WHAT THE FUCK!? GOD DAMN IT WHY DO YOU ALWAYS WIN?!
(Letters spell out "Step 2")
Swag: step 2, playing hard to get (runs in circles around PBL) try and catch me! (PBL does nothing) haha! can't get me i am too quick for you llololololololololo
(Letters spell out "Step 3")
Swag: step 3, compliment on her
Chris: on how beautiful she is right?
Swag: eyes on the prize chris, eyes on the prize
Chris: oh shut your mouth!
(Swag is shown behind PBL)
Swag: why hello there (gets even closer) you butt is looking beautiful today mmmmmmmm oh yeah
(PBL shoots Swag and runs away)
Chris: and you just got friend zoned
Swag: (struggling) shut up
(Letters spell out "Step 4")
(Swag is behind PBL again)
Swag: hey baby i need to tell you something
(PBL turns around)
Swag: (horribly) ♫ and IIIIIIIII willl allwayyyssss love youuuuuu ♫
(Chris sheds a single tear)
(Gunshots are heard, Kevin storms down the stairs firing randomly and babbling incoherently)
Chris: OH JESUS!
Swag: SHITUCKIFRIEDHOLYCRAP AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH god! don't hurt me I'm still a virgin! we can sort this out crazy guy!
(PBL runs in front of Swag)
PBL: ERMGERD PROTECT ME
Swag: OH CHRIST (shoots PBL)
PBL: AH MY BOOBS!
Swag: oh crap...
(Kevin runs away)
Chris: are you ok!? oh lord! what did you do swag?
Swag: FREEE POINTY BOOBIES! after so long!!! i have finally accomplished my life goal-
Chris: godammit! this isn't the time! we're going to get arrested!
Swag: but it's free...
Chris: shut up and help me move the body!
(Sergeant Mark appears)
Mark: what are you doing here
Swag: oh hi
Chris: OH FUCK! (throws corpse)
Mark: why aren't you asshats guarding my office?!
Chris: sir...i...errr we were on our lunch break!
Chris: (thinking) oh god, if he sees the body im screwed
Swag: (thinking) boobies...
Mark: well ok lol, get back to work then (walks away)
Chris: oh thank god
Mark: oh hey!
Mark: you guys didn't by any chance...see my mother?
Swag: is she a mental old lady...who's obsessed with raisins?
Mark: what? no! she looks young and has pointy boobies
(Chris and Swag look at each other)
Mark: why's everyone so quiet?
(Chris and Swag run away screaming)
Swag: CRAP! CRAP! CRAP! RAP! CRAP! CRAP! CRAP!
Chris: OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! WHY'D YOU KILL THE SERGEANT'S MOTHER?! DUMBASS!?
Swag: i dunno! but i am jelly! he got pointy boobs for a mother!
Chris: shut up about the boobs! we need to get out of here! maybe even change our names!
Swag: im not changing swagmaster696969696969-
Chris: yeah! alright! fine!
(Greg comes running down the hallways)
Greg: hey guys! i heard you screaming! is everything all right?
Swag: shut up greg! don't make me nipple twist you again!
Chris: the body! we got to hide the body! follow me!
(cut to outside)
Swag: why the hell are we all the way out here?
Chris: no witnesses, im not getting my ass arrested just because of you!
(Mark comes outside)
Mark: well well well...what do we have here?
Chris: oh sh*t! sir! we can explain!
Mark: no need to! you brought my mother on a nice picnic!
Swag: yeah! that's exactly what's happening! mrs. booby lady! (picks up corpse) tell your son how much you're enjoying this picnic!
(Swag uses the corpse as a puppet)
PBL (Swag): oh yes! i am having a blast son no need to worry about me!
(Corpse bends over)
Swag: oh crap!
PBL (Swag): haha :D
Mark: ok then. have fun mommy!
PBL (Swag): ok! goodbye son!
Swag: wow what dumbass!
Mark: what was that?!
Swag: (flat out drops corpse) wasn't me!
Swag: (SNAP!) oh my back! can we please take a break!
(Shows PBL half buried)
Chris: we havent even dug the body properly
Swag: ...ah well, people will think it's a hobo. come on! i'll tell you the rest of my 7 steps to get poi-
Chris: not going to happen
(Chris and Swag re-enter the base, they do not see Morgan Freeman is perched atop the entrance. Morgan hops down and approaches the corpse. He covers the corpse's breasts with sprinkles)
Morgan Freeman: ...titty sprinkles (eye twinkles, offscreen explosion. Swag and Chris head back outside)
Swag: ...and step 7, grab those boobies! holy Malaysian duck!
(PBL's corpse is on fire)
Chris: oh shit...
Swag: welp! want to go get a burger?
Chris: ehh screw it why not
(the next day)
(Chris and Swag are back guarding Sergeant Mark's office)
Mark: YOU GUYS ARE DEAD MEAT! you are under arrest! for the murder of my mother!
Chris: what!? no!
Swag: where's your proof?
(Shot of a burned carcass)
Chris: what the hell?!
Swag: ahhh god it burns!
Mark: this burnt body was found in the snowy area where you were last night!
Swag: that doesn't look like pointy boob lady! (puts two long party hats where the breasts should be) there! now it does
Mark: ya bastard! i'll kill ya!
Chris: sir! please! we're not that bad of guards!
Mark: how come there's a crazy man in my office then?
(Kevin is shown in the office)
Swag: seemed like a nice guy
Mark: see you in hell! YOU PIMPS!
Swag: no one calls my friend or me a pimp! you think you're so cool!?
Chris: uhhh swagmaster
Mark: bitch! im fabulous!
Swag: oh you want to fight about it!?
Mark: come at me bro!!!!
(both scream, and have a rap battle. Chris interrupts)
Chris: Swag! Swag! Swag! Swag!
Swag: yeah ok! he gets the stupid point!
Mark: YOU IDIOTS! i'm still arresting you! haw ha ha ha hah ha hahahahahahah
(Kevin comes out and shoots Mark in the testicles)
Mark: ow! my children!
Swag: hey! this means we have no work!
(Colors start flashing as test appears spelling out "!!!PARTEH!!" as Chris and Swag dance)