Guards N' Retards: The Vacation is the second episode of Season 8 and the three hundred eighty-ninth overall to be uploaded by SMG4.
It is also the eighth episode of the Guards N' Retards series and possibly the last episode in the series. It was aired on January 13, 2018.
Your two favorite spaghetti factory guards are BACK. Swagmaster and Chris have been on vacation for the past year and they've caused nothing but trouble since they've been gone.
The Glitchy Boy logo plays out as normal. However, just as the cap of SMG4 shows up, Swagmaster6969696969 showed up and shot the cap away because he found it disgusting. He then told the viewers that they thought that he could be gotten rid off but it could not happen and ordered the Guards N' Retards intro to play. Once the intro ended, Swag wanted to explain why both he and Chris were absent for most of the past videos by SMG4. He then started his story at the airport.
At the airport, Swag was excited about his vacation while Chris sighed because he rarely got vacations, and the one time he had one, he had to spend it with Swag. He thought Chris was with him because he was gay for him but Chris stated that it was only because he was required by law to supervise Swag so that he did not blow anything up. That just led Swag to keep believing his original answer. Chris decided that they must not waste any more time and took Swag to the security screening portion of the airport. When they got there, Swag put their luggage for scanning and joked on how the guards would not find a bomb in the luggage, shocking Chris. Naturally, the alarm went off and when the airport security searched through the luggage, they found an RPG-7. Thinking quickly, he pinned the blame on Chris and made a run for it, leaving him to deal with the airport security.
After landing at Miami, Swag commented on how the airport security liked him which was why they managed to even fly in the first place but Chris corrected him saying it was only because he managed to convince them that he was a mental patient. Swag wasted no time and was already in a taxi, telling Chris to stop kissing up to him and to get in. On their way to the hotel, Swag hoped that it would a 5-star hotel with a penthouse view of the city along with butlers and hookers, hooker butlers, and golden toilets. Chris said it was ridiculous but as usual, Swag kept his hopes of a golden toilet high, as well as a great hotel. Once they got to a rundown part of Miami, they entered the hotel, which disgusted and disappointed Swag. Chris, however, said that it was because they could not spend much money on hotels, stated that the place was already fine as it is, and reassured that they would not spend much time in the hotel room. Swag then suggested the beaches or the nightclubs, which Chris liked the idea.
At the beach, Swagmaster entered it but not before singing a song about his swag (a parody of "Staying Alive" by Bee Gees) despite protest from Chris who afterward wanted someone to come to adopt Swagmaster so he did not have to suffer any longer. Swagmaster then suggested the 10-hour remix of his song, which caused Chris to disappear from him. He could later be seen relaxing at the beach and liked how Swagmaster was not nearby. Sadly for him, Swagmaster was standing above him and after a while, got enraged when Swagmaster dropped ice cream on him. Chris told him to go play in the ocean but although Swagmaster initially refused due to what he saw in Shark Tale, quickly changed his mind when Chris indicated that a woman in bikini swimming winked at him, finally giving Chris the peace of mind that he needed.
Swagmaster approached the woman and asked a very cheesy pickup line, but that failed. Soon after, she screamed that the receding tides were pulling her away from the beach. A lifeguard noticed what happened and rushed to save her but Swagmaster shot him, wanting to be the one to save her. However, at that moment, he forgotten that he could not swim and when he got into the water, he started flailing in it, causing him to use the woman as a life preserver. That did not last and soon, both of them drowned.
Later on, Swagmaster woke up to see Chris reviving him. He was shocked at what Chris looked like he was doing, although Chris was pleased that he did not have to pay for his funeral. Suddenly, the lifeguard from before came back with a vengeance for what happened just now. Swagmaster decided it was best to run from him, causing Chris to run with him too. They soon reached a gas station and saw a car, although the owner was refilling the car. Swagmaster tried to convince the owner to leave his car because Godzilla was attacking the city, but it did not work. Seeing that the lifeguard was closer, he punched the owner and took Chris who protested what he was doing before driving away, leaving the angry lifeguard even more.
Chris was worried that whatever Swagmaster did would cause them to go to jail. He shrugged it off, saying that it was needed to save Chris from the lifeguard and asked for a thank you. Sirens could suddenly be heard and when Chris turned to see what made the sound, which was made by the police, he gave Swagmaster a thank you for making them fugitives. He was about to say "You're welcome" but then realized what Chris meant. He assured Chris that his GTA V skills would come in handy in shaking them off, which he did to destroy a police car and "give 10 points to Gryffindor". Seeing how insane Swagmaster was, Chris wrestled with him for control of the car, which resulted in a crash near some shops.
Swagmaster, who was fine asked for how well he did, while Chris, who was feeling dizzy from the impact, felt like strangling Swagmaster for what happened just now. The police were suddenly catching up to them so Swagmaster wanted to hide them in the shops. Chris suggested getting out of there which Swagmaster responded with turning himself in. Chris decided hiding in the costume shop was a much better idea. The police soon had the entrance surrounded and waited for them to come out. Soon enough, a Swagmaster-lookalike lady came out and was confused as to why there were so many policemen waiting before getting gunned down and finished their jobs. After a while, the two guards came out of the shop with Swagmaster commenting on what they did to the poor woman.
Swagmaster now wanted to hit the nightclubs but Chris rather wanted to return to the hotel room. Swagmaster wanted Chris to have some fun in the nightclubs but it did not work. He tried calling out a semi-random name, Christan J. Rodriguez, but that did not work with Chris even commenting on how that was not his name. Swagmaster then tried asking Chris who would be his wingman, which Chris replied saying that even if Swagmaster paid him, he would still not be his wingman. He then tried to ask who would be the ugly friend that would make Swagmaster look like a sexy mofo but Chris was gone. Swagmaster then tried again and span around saying, "Come onnnn, Chris", but Chris vented his frustration over what happened during the vacation. With one final attempt, Swagmaster told Chris that he was pregnant with his child, which just resulted in Chris gone, leaving Swagmaster alone.
Back in the hotel, Chris liked how the walk back alone was the best part of the vacation and hoped that Swagmaster would either be drunk in the gutters or arrested. While trying to sleep, he realized that he might have gone too far as Swagmaster just wanted some fun. Suddenly, Swagmaster busted into the room with a crate full of beer as Chris refused to go out to the party, he brought the party here. Chris decided it was the best idea Swagmaster came up with. The following day, Chris felt wasted while Swagmaster, feeling super fine, wanted to party again. Then there was a knock on the door. Thinking it was room service, Chris got Swagmaster to open the door. Turned out it was a policeman waiting to arrest Swagmaster. He quickly closed the door and suddenly felt drunk.
The episode then ends with Swagmaster explaining why they were gone for the whole year before starting the episode.
- The Police (Gmod)
- Swagmaster Doppleganger
- Random People
- 00:12 – Happy Chiptune 2, Josif Habib
- 00:37 – On The Mend, Theme Hosptal
- 00:53 – Foolish Bowser, Mario Party 3
- 01:08 – Control, Goldeneye 007
- 01:43 – Let’s Go!, Mario Party 7
- 02:01 – Koopa’s Tycoon Town, Mario Party 8
- 02:31 – Adventure Awaits, Mario Party 7
- 02:58 – Staying Alive, The Bee Gees
- 03:26 – Snow Road, Paper Mario
- 03:38 – Gelato Beach, Super Mario Sunshine
- 03:56 – Island (Day), Animal Crossing: New Leaf
- 04:24 – Careless Whisper, George Michael
- 04:40 – Gunning For Danger, Spongebob
- 05:04 – Delfino Airstrip, Super Mario Sunshine
- 05:22 – Hooktail Battle, Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door
- 06:11 – O.K. House, Jet Set Radio
- 06:38 – Chasing Cars 4, Andrea Ericson
- 07:18 – Goldenrod City, Pokemon Heart Gold & Soul Silver
- 07:39 – Bubblaine, Mario Odyssey
- 07:51 – Blue Night, Magnus Ringblom
- 08:15 – Forgotten Trails, Jon Bjork
- 08:40 – Eterna City, Pokemon Diamond & Pearl
- 09:00 – (Runaway Five Music, Earthbound, needs verification)
- 09:19 – Gabbag, Duke Nukem Total Meltdown
- 09:32 – Morning Mood, Edvard Grieg
- This marks the short-lived return of the Guards N' Retards series.
- This is the first SMG4 video since Guards N' Retards: Da bomb to not feature Mario.
- This is the second time Swagmaster69696969696 appears in a Gmod model, the first being Guards N' Retards: Swag Magic..
- This is the only Guards N' Retards episode to not take place at Fresh Spaghetti Tubbie.