This is the transcript for Guards N' Retards: The Vacation.
Swagmaster69696969696: Ah gross, get that sh*t out of here!
(Swagmaster69696969696 proceeds to face the viewers.)
Swagmaster69696969696: You guys thought I was gone?! You can't get rid of me!!!
(Swagmaster69696969696 then proceeds to face towards another direction giving out an order.)
Swagmaster69696969696: Run the intro b*tches!
(the Guards N' Retards intro plays)
Swagmaster69696969696: HOLY TITS ITS BEEN WAY TOO LONG
(The scene then changes to the inside of Fresh Spaghetti Tubbie.)
Swagmaster69696969696: Now many of you may be asking where the hell we were for the last year... Well it all started when we were at the airport.
(The scene fades to the inside of the airport.)
Swagmaster69696969696: WOOO, VACATION B*TCHES! Time to Party and get P*SS drunk!!!
(Chris understandably looks down sighing)
Chris: Jesus H Christ... my first vacation in years... and it has to be with this a**h*le...
(Swag hears Chris come over to him.)
Swagmaster69696969696: U f*kin wot Don't lie to yourself Chris you love me, don't you. Don't you Chris. You're gay for me Chris
Chris: NO! I'm here. because you're a mentally challenged shithead and by law, you need a guardian so you don't blow anything up.
Swagmaster69696969696: LOL you're gay for me Chris, I'm telling everyone. :D
Chris: For fucks' sakes (Chris looks down dejected) why do I even bother? (he then heads to the security screening area) C'mon we have to go through security now
Swagmaster69696969696: Oh fuck yeah, it's my people!
(Now at the security screening area.)
Swagmaster69696969696: Look at these security scrubs. I bet they aren't as good as me.
Chris: You're right! They aren't a big piece of shit like you!
(Swagmaster69696969696 now has a :( on his face.)
(Later after putting their luggage on the scanning machine.)
Swagmaster69696969696: Lol hopefully they don't find the bomb
Chris: Wait, what the fuck?
(Swagmaster69696969696 naturally starts laughing over this.)
Swagmaster69696969696: I can't believe you fell for-
(The alarms naturally went off. The security airport guards searched the luggage to find the bomb, an RPG in this case.)
Swagmaster69696969696: Chris, I'm ashamed of you. >:(
Swagmaster69696969696: I told you not to bring your rocket launchers here
Chris: Oh Jesus Christ, here we go
Swagmaster69696969696: They are not a toy! Get him fellas! (referring to Chris) He's the one you want! (flees the scene) LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
(Two guards are looking at Chris, as Chris looks behind him.)
Chris: Fuck me.
(The scene switches to Chris (Who is on top of Swag, who is a plane) flying and landing in Florida)
Swagmaster69696969696: DAMN, THIS PLACE IS LIT. You see Chris. We made it in one piece and it was all because the airport security like me.
Chris: Are you serious? We only got off because I convinced them that you were a mental patient.
Swagmaster69696969696: C'mon Chris! Stop being an ass muncher and get in the car.
(Chris then sighed. Before long, the scene changed to that of the taxi's inside.)
Swagmaster69696969696: Yeah bitch, yeah bitch, yeah bitch! Hotel, hotel, hotel! :D I bet its a 5 star hotel with a penthouse view of the whole city.
Chris: Don't expect anything grand, we don't have much money.
Swagmaster69696969696: I hope there's gonna be butlers and hookers, hooker butlers, and golden toilets. CHRIS, AM I GONNA GET A GOLDEN TOILET!? :D
Chris: What?! No. Don't be-
Swagmaster69696969696: OH MY GOD. FIRST THING I'M GONNA DO IS TAKE A SHIT, AND IT IS GONNA BE THE BEST SHIT OF MY LIFE.
(The scene switches as the taxi drops off both Chris and Swag near a somewhat ruined building.)
Chris: We're here.
Swagmaster69696969696: Where?! I don't see it? Is the hotel behind this shitty piece of garbage building in front us?
(The scene switches to the interior of the hotel.)
Chris: Oh man, it's not too bad here!
Swagmaster69696969696: (slides in dejectedly) Shit.
(Now at their room.)
Swagmaster69696969696: Chris. This place sucks. Look at how small the room is. I've taken shits that are bigger than this room >:(
Chris: Swag, I told you, we can't afford anything flashy. This place is fine! Besides, it's not like we're going to spend much time here anyway!
Swagmaster69696969696: That's right, we're hitting the beaches and nightclubs, right?
Chris: Yeah that's right, It'll be fun, man! :D
Swagmaster69696969696: Yeah bitches, LETS DO THIS SHIT
(Now at the beach with Swag showing off about to dance.)
Chris: I swear to God, you had better not sing in public!
Swagmaster69696969696 (singing): Well you can tell by the way I move my swag I am a sexy man. No time to gag! Whether you're a dumb wit or really need to take a shit you're staying swag, staying swag! Feel your booty shaking and everybody's eyes are breaking, but you're staying swag, staying swag! AH AH AH AH Staying SWAG, staying SWAG! AH AH AH AH STAYING SWAAAAAAAAAAG!!
(Chris had enough of the song and advertised Swagmaster69696969696 for sale, complete with a sale poster.)
Chris: PLEASE anybody take him! I can't take him any more. JESUS CHRIST my ears are bleeding!
Swagmaster69696969696: you don't have to hide your feelings, Chris. I know you loved it. you want to hear my 10 hour extended remix?
(Chris is suddenly gone.)
(It appears that Chris is now relaxing on the beach away from Swagmaster69696969696.)
Chris: Ah...just what I needed. Some peace and quiet.
(Suddenly, Swagmaster69696969696 pops up right in front of Chris's face.)
Swagmaster69696969696: Oh, there you are Chris!!! Having fun being a lazyass?
Chris: Piss off.
Swagmaster69696969696: Get your ass up. I bought some ice cream for us.
(Suddenly, one of the ice cream scoops falls onto Chris's face, getting him understandably irritated at Swagmaster69696969696.)
Chris: GOD DAMMIT SWAG, WHAT THE HELL!?
Swagmaster69696969696: LOL what? I thought you looked good. Your salty ass could use something sweet in your life as well.
Chris: My god, why won't this lump of cancer go away. Go play in the ocean or something.
Swagmaster69696969696: The ocean? (He proceeds to turn to the waters just to suddenly remember something.) No, I can't do that! THE OCEAN HAS JELLYFISH AND SHARKS AND CTHULHU AND SHIT IN THERE!!
(Chris, of course, found that dumb.)
Chris: That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Swagmaster69696969696: No it's real Chris!!! Have you ever seen shark tale?! That shit scars a man.
Chris: Oh i think that lady over there just winked at you!
Swagmaster69696969696: Hell yeah
Swagmaster69696969696 (while swagging): Hey baby, I didn't see you there. Did it hurt when you fell from heaven, baby? Because your face looks like it got smashed in.
(Swimming lady makes awkward silence)
Swagmaster69696969696: Wait, no! I mean you have a face of an angel or some shit like that.
(Swimming lady): Wow, what an asshole. OH MY GOD SOMEBODY HELP! A TIDE IS PULLING ME OUT!
(The lifeguard noticed the swimming lady)
Swagmaster69696969696: Oh no you don't b*tch, she's mine! (shoots the lifeguard and jumps into the water)
Swagmaster69696969696 (sinking): SHIT SHIT SHIT I forgot I couldn't swim!
Swagmaster69696969696 (now on top of the swimming lady, who starts screaming): hold me b*tch i need to float (glug glubb) stop shaking you need to help me live!
(They go under and the screen fades black. One screen cut back at the beach later.)
Swagmaster69696969696: *cough* what? *cough* the hell happened?
Chris (while reviving him): Don't you die on me!
Swagmaster69696969696 (frantically): AH FUCK CHRIS I DON'T LIKE YOU LIKE THAT PISS OFF!!
(Chris): OOF shit
Chris: Oh thank god you're alive! Now I won't have to pay for your funeral or anything!
Swagmaster69696969696: Lol you're gay for me I knew it lololololololololol
Chris: Maybe this was a mistake...
Angry Lifeguard: Hey, you! Yes, you! You're gonna pay for what you did!
Swagmaster69696969696: AH SH*T, angry men in underwear, that's my one weakness run Chris run!
(Chris and Swag take off through the streets with the angry lifeguard in hot pursuit.)
Chris: Why would you shoot the guy anyway?
Swagmaster69696969696: Hey man, I get shot with pistols all the time! That guy's just a pussy. Over here!
Swagmaster69696969696: Oh my god, Godzilla is attacking the city! Get out of here and don't take your car pls.
Car Owner: Say whaaaaat??
(The Angry Lifeguard is catching up to Chris and Swag.)
Swagmaster69696969696: OK, fuck this! (punches the car owner) Get in the car, Chris.
Chris: What? Are you insane? This is crazy-
Swagmaster69696969696: I said, get in the fucking car.
(The car drives away while Angry Lifeguard is fuming.)
Chris: I don't want to go to prison.
Swagmaster69696969696: Calm your tits! Swag just saved your ass! Where's my thank-you!?
(Chris hears police sirens and turns around.)
Chris: Thank you Swag, for making us fugitives, you bitch.
Swagmaster69696969696: HAH! You're welcome Christoph- wait...ah fuck.
(A swarm of police cars come after Chris and Swag.)
Chris: OH MY GOD WE ARE SO SCREWED!
Swagmaster69696969696: Don't worry, I've played GTA V, I got this!
(Swag drives the car while evading the police cars.)
Police Officer: Police! You are under arrest!
Chris: PLEASE HELP I'M BEING HELP HOSTAGE I DO NOT KNOW THIS MAN-
Swagmaster69696969696: Suck my big floppy dick! YOLOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Swag proceeds to ram the car into the police car, causing it to blow up.)
Swagmaster69696969696: TEN POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR, MOTHERFUCKERS!!
Chris: HOLY SHIT YOU ARE ACTUALLY A PSYCHO, I WANT OFF HERE NOW!
(Chris and Swag fight over the wheel.)
Chris: GIVE ME THE WHEEL GODDAMMIT SWAG, YOU ARE GOING TO GET US KILLED! I DIDN'T DROP OUT OF COLLEGE TO- (Swagmaster69696969696: Wow, Chris, stop touch my dingle dongle. Chris that's gay, I knew you were gay, fuk u)-
(The car crashes outside a clothing store and they both come out of the car.)
Chris: Oh jeez, my head...
Swagmaster69696969696: YO! THAT WAS SO AWESOME! What was my score Chris?
Chris: I am so close to... strangling you swag!!!!
(The police are closing in fast.)
Swagmaster69696969696: Oh shit! No time for your bullsh*t, Chris! We gotta go!!!
(They soon find a costume shop.)
Swagmaster69696969696: Oh quick, let's hide in here!
Chris: NO! Swag, I'm f*cking done! Your stupid a** ideas got us in this mess in the first place! I am going to get us out of this...
Swagmaster69696969696: Ok fine genius, what do you want to do? Turn yourself in?
(Chris considered the possibilities and decided to go for Swag's idea.)
Chris: Sh*t, ok fine! In here!
Chris: F*ck you.
(While they hid in the shop, the police started looking around on foot, knowing their target Swagmaster69696969696 was nearby. Just then, the costume shop's door was about to be opened, alerting the police to its direction. Just then, a Swagmaster69696969696-lookalike came out dressed in an apron and a straw hat.)
Swagmaster69696969696-lookalike: Oh, golly! Howdy there officers. How are you doing today? (The officers were deciding whether to arrest her.) Is there a problem, Officer?
(The officers decided to just fire at her, believing her to be Swagmaster69696969696 attempting to look like a woman to fool them, before throwing her into their vehicle to arrest her.)
(Once the police moved out, both guards peeked at their would-be captors.)
Swagmaster69696969696: Holy sh*t did you see what they did to that poor, attractive woman...
Chris: My god... we actually lost them...
Swagmaster69696969696: Yeah b*tch! Now it's time to hit the clubs! Let's go get some b*thces!
Chris (now walking away from Swagmaster69696969696): I'm going back to the hotel....
Swagmaster69696969696: WHAT!? ALREADY? Chris, the party has just started! Let's go to the nightclubs. (He chased after Chris) Get your cray cray and maybe even some sexy ladies... if I feel like sharing. (Chris just walked past him) Hey!
(As Chris kept walking back to the hotel, Swagmaster69696969696 kept trying to talk to him.)
Swagmaster69696969696: Chris pls. Chris pls. Chrisssss possess. Christian J. Rodriguez you will come here right now!
(Chris briefly turned around before resuming his walk back.)
Chris: What the f*ck, that's not even my name.
Swagmaster69696969696: F*ck, it was worth a shot. Chris! Don't go... Who's gonna be my wing man?!
Chris: I wouldn't be your wing man... even if you paid me.
Swagmaster69696969696: Fine. Who's going to be the ugly friend who's gonna make me look like a sexy mo fo?
(Swagmaster69696969696 then somehow teleported to where Chris is.)
Swagmaster69696969696: Come onnnn Chrisssss
(Chris then decided to reveal how he truly felt on what happened throughout the episode, knocking down Swagmaster69696969696 for good measure.)
Chris: I CAME HERE ON A F*CKING HOLIDAY OK?! Ever since this "vacation" I had to bail you out of the airport, listen to your sh*tty songs, you almost died, and now we're wanted felons!!!
Swagmaster69696969696: Don't forget, I blew up a police car! :D
Chris: F*ck you. I'm done.
Swagmaster69696969696: Chris... Chris wait! I want to tell you something...
Chris: (turns around) Ugh...what. What is it?
Swagmaster69696969696: I'm... I'm... I'm pregnant Chris. I'm pregnant and you're the father.
(Chris had enough and was gone, confusing Swagmaster69696969696 briefly into looking around.)
(Back at the hotel.)
Chris: Jesus... that walk back alone was probably the best part of this entire trip! Now to sleep and hopefully when I wake up he'll be in the gutter drunk or arrested. (One bath and reflecting later.) Damm... maybe I was too hard on him. He was just trying to have fun. Sh*t.
(Suddenly, Swagmaster69696969696 kicked down the door to reveal he has a crate of beer.)
Swagmaster69696969696: Ok Chris I know you're mad at me and I know I f*cked up but I'm gonna make this better! Since you won't go to the party I've brought the party here! :D (He puts the beer on the counter) I've brought a ton of beer, we gonna get turnt in this hotel and we gonna have a good time!
Chris: You know what... That's the best idea you had all day! Throw me a beer!
Swagmaster69696969696: Aw yeah b*tch gonna get lit AF!
(One party montage into the next day later.)
Chris: Ohhhh... man my head.
Swagmaster69696969696: Damm last night was fun! Chris let's do it again! :D
Chris: Jesus my head feels like it's gonna explode...
Swagmaster69696969696: Lol you p*ssy! I'm fit as a fiddle!
(Suddenly, there was someone knocking on the door.)
Chris: It's probably room service... Can you get that Swag? I'm so dead...
(Swagmaster69696969696 opens the door, just to see it was a policeman waiting to arrest him. Swagmaster69696969696 quickly closed the door before turning back to Chris pretending to feel sick.)
Swagmaster69696969696: You know what? I'm sick after all... *cough* *cough* Let's stay in!
(One screen cut to the present.)
Swagmaster69696969696: Yeah and that's the story of how we were gone for one year. Now... Let's start the episode!
(Unfortunately for him, the episode ends right there.)