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This page is the transcript for If Mario Ran Nintendo.
Transcript[]
(Glitchy Boy intro.)
(It starts at Nintendo HQ. Mario is happily climbing up the wall.)
Mario: Oh boy, come on Nintendo. Mario just finished Odyssey. I need a new game to play!
(He looks inside as he sees an employee walking past him. Another employee sees him.)
Employee: Dafuq?
Mario: Hoohoo! Hello!
(He climbs past a window showing an employee and an alien talking, both of which never notice him. He stops at another window with nothing interesting in it, apart from a poster with Reggie that says "Is your body ready?" and a different colored Peach.)
Mario: Mama mia! Booooring! (He continues climbing.) C'mon, give me some juicy secrets!
(He eventually climbs to a meeting room, inside of which are employee discussing new game ideas. A Scout employee thinks of an idea and places it on the board.)
Scout: What do you think about Super Mario Gun?
Heavy: NO! That is stupid! (He ponders, then gets an idea.) I have good idea! (He goes up to the board with New Super Mario Bros., but adds another "New" to the title.) What if we put this New New game?
(Dead silence, then...)
Everyone: GENIUS!!! A FUCKIN' MASTAPEECE!
Mario: (In excitement.) Oooooooh!!!
(Heavy turns around and notices Mario.)
Heavy: Dafuq?
Mario: Yeah, hahaha!
Heavy: (Points at Mario.) A Spy!
Announcer: INTRUDER ALERT!
(A "Yoshicopter" (Helicopter that looks like Yoshi.) comes out of the building via pipe on the roof.)
Helicopter Voice: You're dead, meat boy!
(Mario notices the chopper and quickly jumps through a window and into the building. The chopper starts firing through the windows, but always misses Mario. He then runs up the stairs.)
(It cuts to Miyamoto's Ghost sitting in his office at his desk, singing.)
Miyamoto: What a wonderful day at the office! Oh, I think I need to go use the bathroom. (He gets up and goes to the restroom.) Hopefully the office is-a okay while I'm gone! (He shuts the restroom door.)
(A panicking Mario rushes into Miyamoto's office still trying to hide. He notices Miyamoto's hat on a rack. Just then, two guards come in.)
Guard 1: HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK!
Guard 2: STAY DOWN, ASSHOLE!
(Mario turns around at Miyamoto's desk, wearing the boss's hat.)
Mario: It's a me: Nintendo boss! Howdy howdy howdy!
(The guards ares silent. One holds up a photo of the real Miyamoto, and compares it to Mario, who is singing at the desk. Despite the two bearing no resemblance to each other...)
Guard 2: (Roger that, sector clear.) The hat and tie check out. All clear. (The guards leave. Mario celebrates but this is short lived as a knocking comes from that same door.)
Mario: Oh no!
(Reggie walks in.)
Reggie: Hey boss, can I have a word with you?
Mario: (Banging his head on a keyboard.) La, La laa, working! Hey! What's up?
Reggie: The team is having trouble developing the next big title. We need your input!
Mario: Alrighty!
(Mario and Reggie leave.)
Reggie: So the developers aren't sure where the direction of this game are going...
(An employee is at a computer typing on a keyboard. A game is booted up a game called "New Super Mario World".)
Game: Press "Start" to play! (Mario dodges the Goombas while only getting hit once.)
Mario: Well that was a load of shit...
Reggie: I knew something was wrong with it! (Walks over to the employee at the computer.) You've upset the boss!
Mario: Hmmm...Looks this game's gonna need my genius ideas...
(Mario, Reggie, and another employee are at another computer.)
Mario: so the first problem is that these characters aren't fresh enough! Look at this shit! (A picture of a very fat and ugly Mario is on screen.) Mama mia! People are tired of seeing this ugly-ass guy, whoever he is. Draw something new!
Employee: Okie dokie! (He draws something.) All done! (Mario is shown concept art of "Maria".)
Mario: (Pushes the employee out of the way.) No, you dumb shit! I have to do everything around here, don't I... (Mario starts drawing like crazy until he comes up with art for "Chris deh caveman".)
Reggie: Kawaii!
Mario: Oh yeah! Now we just gotta change other crap. (He keeps changing the title screen's background until he settles on one with flames.) Oh, this game is gonna be a masterpiece!
Reggie: Boss, we also need your help with the sound design.
(It cuts to another employee playing happy music on a piano.)
Mario: Ooooh, you're doing shit! I don't want these crappy happy songs! Give me some action! (The employee starts playing another happy tune.) Go faster! (The employee plays the same tune faster.) You call that fast!? Don't make me fire you! (The employee plays so fast he's basically playing "Through the Fire and the Flames".) That's-a so nice! Thank you so much! (He walks off, leaving the employee with inflamed hands which eventually burn off. Mario walks off until he bumps into Reggie.)
Reggie: Hey boss. You have an investors meeting now! yesterday, you said you had an original villain for this new game!
(Mario is suddenly in a meeting with the company's investors.)
Mario: Okay, hear me out! (He puts up a picture of Barney with Bowser's head, with different colors, like black and blue with red eyes.) He-He's like Bowser! But he's- Oh, he's mean! Oh, he's a mean guy! Bad! He's... Bad... Bad guy... He's Bad Guy! Oh, he's Bad Guy and he wants to open the Dark Dimension! Oh, he's evil big bad... bad... Bad Guy!
(After the meeting, Mario walks out.)
Reggie: Hey boss! how'd it go? Did you intrigue those investors?
Mario: uhh..sure.
Reggie: Great! we'd love for you to present this new game at the coming Nintendo Direct, too!
Mario: Okie dokie!
(It cuts to the Nintendo Direct.)
Announcer: Please welcome Nintendo President and COO: Reggie!
Reggie: Hi. I'm Reggie from Nintendo of America. You know, I'll never forget my first time playing with myself. If it's not fun, why bother? And this marks a new endeavor for Nintendo. Great titles are in the works. Have a look.
(SUPER SMASH BROS.: MOTION CONTROL EDITION)
(SMG4 and Mario are playing Super Smash Bros. Brawl.)
Voice-over: Are you tired of the same old boring controls for Smash Brothers? Is your friend winning so much that you want to beat the shit out of him? Well now you can with motion controls for the Switch, brought to you by the same shitty controls from Skyward Sword.
(Mario raises a left control up, which causes in-game Kirby's arm to raise with it. Mario punches SMG4 while Kirby punches Captain Falcon in the game.)
Mario: HERE WE GO!
(Mario proceeds to kick SMG4's ass (As does Kirby to Capt. Falcon) until SMG4 is sent flying out of the building (As is Capt. Falcon sent flying).)
In-game Announcer: K.O.!
(Mario celebrates his victory.)
(SUPER SMASH BROS.: MOTION CONTROL EDITION) (Coming soon)
(Back to Reggie. The audience is applauding.)
Reggie: And that's not all!
WII MUSIC 2
Updated Graphics (Shows a real life band.)
1 New Instrument (Shows Wario playing a toy xylophone.)
Comes with lifesize controllers (Shows a keyboard with a right portion of a Switch controller sticking out.)
SUPER MARIO FARMING SIMULATOR
Mario gave up on life and became a farmer!
Plant beautiful crops! (Shows Mario planting weed.)
Take care of cute farm animals! (Shows Mario going crazy with the animals.)
and fight aliens! (Shows Mario getting blown up by a UFO.)
NINTENDO LABO
(Cardboard is thrown onstage.) $80
Build various things out of cardboard! (Shows Mario riding a mech he made.)
DOKI DOKI MARIO CLUB
(It shows Reggie, Miyamoto, and Aonuma as girls.)
Find love in this exclusive Nintendo dating sim. :D
Reggie: Pls notice me senpai
Miyamoto: Ah sugooooi! You have all the Amiibo! That's hot. :3
Aonuma: I AM THE SUPERIOR WAIFU
(Back to the Direct. Reggie is now dressed as his Doki Doki counterpart.)
Reggie: And now, it's no mystery that Nintendo loves Reggie, so we put together a little video just to show you Reggie. Have a look.
(It shows a Breath of the Wild cutscene.)
(Open your eyes... Open your eyes... Wake up, Reggie.)
(It shows Reggie's head over Link's.)
(My body is ready!)
(This rock version of the Zelda theme plays as a montage shows Reggie's head over Link's head and doing things, including finding a "fabled Reggie Amiibo".)
(The Legend of Reggie: A Link Between Ass launches on November 22.)
(Back to the Direct.)
Reggie: And now, a landmark production is on the way!
(Mario comes out on stage.)
Mario: hoo hoo! It'sa mee! Mr Nintendo boss guy!! We've saved the best game for last! Let's-a-go!
After 10 Years in Development...
"A Real GOTY Contender" - Some Hobo
New Super Flappy Craft Party Modern Warfare & Knuckles 3D (New Funky Mode) (A really, really terrible recorder cover of the Super Mario Bros. theme plays on the title screen, which shows Chris the caveman.)
Bad Guy: It's-a-me! Bad Guy! (He starts shooting at Chris, who keeps dodging, until Chris loses all his lives, thus resulting in a game over.)
(Back to the Direct.)
Mario: Tada!
(Dead silence...)
Mario: I think they liked it. :D
(It cuts to the next day.)
Mario: (Walks in.) Hey everybody! who's ready to work?!!! :D
(Complete chaos is going on. Fires erupted, employees are going crazy, and desks, computers, and chairs are being thrown around.)
Mario: Oooh! Is there an office party going on or something? ohoh! (Notices Reggie panicking.) Hey mr Wedgie, can I rave with you?
Reggie: Boss! Our stocks have plummeted and all our investors have abandoned us! The company is doomed!
Mario: I thought you guys had like a billion dollars saved in the bank.
Reggie: We did!!!...but somebody spent it all on spaghetti!!!
Mario: (Realizing how much he screwed up.) Oh no... That's not-
(It cuts to Miyamoto's office. Miyamoto leaves the restroom.)
Miyamoto: Ugh! That dump took so long, but I feel so much better now! (He hears an alarm going off.) Wait? What's that?! OH NO! My company! She-a needs meee!
(Back outside...)
Mario: (To Reggie, who is cowering.) Are you sure there's no money left? I need some lunch money.
(A door opens.)
Miyamoto: Stop panicking, children! Papa is here!
Reggie: WAIT...b-boss!? does that mean... (He suddenly gets furious, and pops up behind Mario, who was quietly, quickly escaping.) You... Son of a... Bitch!
Miyamoto: Now is not the time ti fight! We have a company to save!
(A montage of Miyamoto coming up with ideas, making concept art, and even creating a potion starts, while Montage from the Team America: World Police soundtrack plays in the background.)
Miyamoto: (Holds up his finished project.) Ah! It is complete!
(It cuts to another Direct.)
Announcer: Please welcome Nintendo President and COO: Reggie!
Reggie: We've got some important news! The game that console owners have been waiting for! Have a look.
COOKING MARIO
(Applause.)
Reggie: It's a one-of-a-kind experience you can't buy anywhere else, and you're going to feel adventures in ways you never have. (Shows Heavy cooking and making toast.)
(Woah! Even better than mama mia!)
New motion controls!
Actually cook your joycon!
Reggie: It's an unprecedented mix of action and emotion. And that's not all. Also, amiibo! (Holds up an amiibo of Mario.) I have to admit, I'm a little jealous of Mario's ass. It's shiny, it's golden, and yes, my pingas is growing in ways it never has before. Thanks for watching, and stay tuned!
(Applause.)
(The day after the Direct...)
Miyamoto: Everybody! Sales are through the roof! And our stocks are back! Nintendo is-a saved!
(Everyone starts cheering loudly.)
Reggie: Thank you so much boss! you've saved us!!
Mario: Yaaay! we did it guys! :D WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Wooooooooooooooooo! Woo...
(Reggie is still pissed at him, and evolves into a "pissed Reggigias".)
Mario: (Slowly backing away, knowing how screwed he is.) Okie dokie... (He screams as he gets shot out of the building.)
(Credits roll.)