This is the transcript for If Mario was in...Team Fortress 2.


(SMG4 intro.)

(We start with a zooming of Mario's derpy face.)


(It is shown that he is looking at a spaghetti vending machine. He starts humping it.)

Machine: Please insert a coin to purchase spaghetti. We have a variety of spaghetti from Parmesan to Italian, and our special is-

(Mario, upon realizing he has a whopping 0 coins, tries to insert Toad into the slot.)


(It cuts to Heavy driving a truck, then back to Mario.)

Machine: HOLY SHIT HELP ME HELP ME CALL THE POLICE PLEASE I AM BEING ASSAULTED PLEASE (Mario manages to make the machine fly off... And into the path of an oncoming Heavy.)

Heavy: SHET! AAAAAAAAH! (He swerves and crashes the truck.)

Mario: Hmmmmmmmmmmmm?

Heavy: (Gets out.) NEVER make me angry! (Points to the truck.) It costs $400,000...

Mario: How about a nice game of I DON'T GIVE A SHIT! (Heavy picks him up.) EEK!

Heavy: I promise you pain without end! OOH! (He notices that Mario is wearing red.) You, stupid! Come help defend!

Mario: what? i'm not part of your stupid Red team thing!

(Heavy's anger intensifies.)

Mario: AAAAH! Fine!

Heavy: (Happy.) Yes! (He throws Mario into the truck and they drive off.) Come sing with me!

Mario: Mama mia...

If Mario was in... Team Fortress 2

(They drive off to the Badlands.)

Heavy: Da. This will work.

(The duo arrive in 2Fort.)

Heavy: Let us begin!

Mario: WHOA!

(It pans around to show the RED and BLU teams going at it with each other.)

RED Heavy: HAHAHA! We are killers!

(A severed Demoman's head lands beside Mario.)

Demohead: I'm goin' ta lick ya!

Mario: Ooooooh... (Collapses.)

(Mario respawns in the... Well, the respawn room.)

Mario: Mama mia...

Soldier: You there! You will give me that hat!

(Mario runs off, the backs into a Pyro, who starts dancing. Mario runs into a wall.)


(Mario: goes over to a weapon supply.)

Mario: Oh yes! That's-a so nice!

Heavy: NO!

Mario: Mama mia!

Heavy: You gun is for babies!

New Item Acquired (A Nerf gun.)

Heavy: Very good!

Announcer: Alert! The enemy has taken our intelligence!

Heavy: AHHH! Oh, this is bad!

(Cut to a BLU Scout holding the intelligence.)

Scout: Woosh! (Runs off.)

(Heavy and Mario run after him.)

Mario: Mario get you next time.

Scout: Aw crap.

Heavy: You are ded!

Scout: OH GOD IT'S HAPPENING! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (He fires his shotgun like a maniac.)

Heavy: (Cowering behind Sasha.) OOOOH NOOOO! HELP ME!

Mario: (Screams, then...) Here we gooooooo! (His attention goes to... Not the explosive barrel, but the sandvich on the desk.)

(A wild BLU Scout appears!)

BLU Scout: Yo, what's up?

Mario: (Startled, he fires his gun at him.) I got you. (It does hits him in the head, but even then, it doesn't leave a mark. Scout fires his shotgun, which kills him.)

(Mario is back in the respawn room, with a pissed Heavy staring him down.)

Mario: Mamaf*cker!

(Scout is dancing.)


Soldier: I want that hat! You will give me that hat!

Mario: Mama mia...

BLU Scout: Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here!

Mario: (Laughs.) I'm-a gonna get you (Throws a mushroom.) Watch out!

Scout: Need a dispenser here! (Gets hit by the mushroom, which makes his head shrink.) I AM AN INVINCIBLE UNICOOOOOOOOOOORN! (Goes up into the sky and blows up.)

(Mario runs over to the intelligence when Soldier pops up.)

Soldier: I will give you green (Actually brown.) paint and a name tag for that hat!

Mario: Mamaf*cker! No!

Demoman: Oi! I want that hat!

Soldier: Get your black, Scottish, drunk ass outta here!

Demoman: Listen, little boy. I can offer you this (Dunce.) hat right here.

Soldier: That hat is a piece of shit!

(They start arguing. Mario runs off. A grenade shoots the intelligence onto the roof of the connecting bridge.)

Mario: Mama mia. Okie dokie! (To Sniper.) hey dude, can you shoot that briefcase off the roof please? (No response.) hey! are you listening to me?

Sniper: This is gonna be a real piece of piss, ya bloody-

Mario: (Pops up in front of the rifle's scope.) Notice me, senpai!

(Sniper gets startled and fires the rifle. The bullet ricochets off a ledge and hits Sniper in the brain, which kills him. (Heavy: YOU ARE DED!))

Mario: OH NU! is the gun okay?! (Picks up the rifle.) OKIE DOKIE! let's get that briefcase!

(A BLU Pyro shows up and flutters over to the intelligence.)

Mario: now i really need to focus my shot! (He notices a jar of Jarate.) YEAH! LEMONADE...i think...will help!!! (He drinks it... And his mustache gets bigger. And his view of the world gets slower and loses color.)

Mario: Surprise, muthafucka. (Pyro jumps off the bridge with the intelligence.) BOOM! Headshot! (..."Headshot" is right, as Mario has the rifle aimed at his own eye, which fires and knocks him back. So it's back to the respawn room for ol' Mario.)

Mario: Mama mia!

(Mario chases Pyro into the tunnels below until he hears laughter.)

Mario: What are you doing?! What's-a going on here?!

(A BLU Spy shows up.)


Mario: MAMA! (He screams and runs off, with Spy in hot pursuit. He hides behind a corner. It then shows that Soldier and Demoman are still bickering.)

Soldier: You Scotch son of a bitch! I want that hat! (He feels the Spy humping him from behind.) Your penis is weak! (Sends Spy flying across the room.)

(Mario is still panicking when he comes across a BLU Heavy and a BLU Medic having a picnic, with the RED intelligence nearby.)

BLU Heavy: DOCTOR! Do you want sandvich?

Medic: AHHHH Yes! (BLU Heavy shoves a huge sandvich into Medic's mouth, while Pyro is seen in the corner playing with his food like a rocket.)

Mario: Mama mia! (He backs up, and notices the Spy's disguise kit. He takes it and disguises himself as... SMG4.)

Mario: WOAH!

(He then disguises as Hagrid. Then he eventually makes do with... A mask of Balloonicorn.)

Mario: Yippee! Let's-a go!

(He gets noticed by the three BLUs.)

Mario: oh...hello! it is i! the magical mario pony... pay no attention to me! i mean uhh...mooo! magicccccc! imma just take this (The intelligence.), kthxbai. (He flies off.)

Heavy: You! Unicorn... Do you want sandvich?

Mario: WHOA! No, God, please no!

(Heavy tries to shove a huge sandvich into Mario, but misses and hits Shy Guy.)

Medic: We're going to kill you! (He ubercharges. Mario poops out a coin.) Ooh, money! (He runs over to the coin.) FREE MONEY! FREE MONEY! FREE MONEY!

(Mario grabs the intelligence and flies off.)

Mario: SCREW THIS CRAP! Please tell me that's it... (Pyro shows up.) Son of a bitch! (Pyro takes his upper clothes of and sets himself on fire.) NOOOO! Fuck this shiiiiii- (He falls through the roof and into the BLU's base, where he encounter's a dancing BLU Engineer.) OH SHIT!

(Suddenly, Soldier hurdles into Engineer, which kills the latter.)

Demoman: Lot'o good that Soldier trainin' did ya! (To Mario.) You're me bloody wife now. I want that hat!

Soldier: I'm gonna beat the shit out of you if you don't get the hell out of here! (They resume fighting, while Soldier drops the Bombinomicon.)

Mario: (Noticing the book.) Woah! Let's-a go!

(The duo are still fighting.)

Mario: ohoho! magic books! they'll put an end to this crap!!! :D (He touches the book, and Merasmus appears, which shocks the trio.)

Soldier: Oh no... Merasmus!

Merasmus: Huzzah! (He creates magic, which changes the map from 2Fort to 2Fort Invasion. Mass chaos is everywhere.)

Mario: I DON'T CARE ANY MORE! I'M TAKING ANYTHING AND RUNNING! (He grabs the BLU intelligence, avoids a bumper car-riding BLU Heavy, and heads above ground...) Halleluja- HOLY SHIT! (...To see more chaos.) WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?!?!?

Horseless Headless Horseman: (Pops up.) It's raping time!

(Mario runs off and lands in a teleporter. It transports him to a TF2 match, with infamous YouTube Let's Player DarkSydePhil in the top right corner. Mario blocks the screen and gets DSP killed in-game.)

DSP: Fucking bullshit, dude! (Mario: Ha ha!) What do you want me to do!?

(Mario teleports back to the real 2Fort, and in the RED's base, with the intelligence. He celebrates, but is cut short by...)


Mario: NO GOD PLEASE NO! NO! NOOOOOOOO- (Backs up into the intelligence area, with the briefcase.)

Announcer: Victory. We have captured the enemy intelligence.

Mario: Way to go! Hahahaha... (Spy dies. Heavy is behind Mario.) Hmmm? (Heavy looks around. Apparently, there is still some chaos going on from earlier. Heavy returns Mario to the city.)

Heavy: Never come back! (He drives off.)

Mario: Okie dokie!

(A wild Soldier appears!)

Soldier: You will give me that hat!

(Credits roll.)

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