Episode Information · Gallery · Transcript
Blooper Information · Gallery · Transcript |
This is the transcript for If Mario was in...Team Fortress 2.
Transcript[]
(SMG4 intro.)
(We start with a zooming of Mario's derpy face.)
Mario: OOOOOOOOOOOH!
(It is shown that he is looking at a spaghetti vending machine. He immedietly starts humping it.)
Vending Machine: Please insert a coin to purchase spaghetti. We have a variety of spaghetti from Parmesan to Italian, and our special is-
(Mario, upon realizing he has no coins, tries to insert a Toad into the slot.)
Vending Machine: OH SWEET JESUS WHAT ARE YOU DOING STOP IT OH GOD-
(Cut to Heavy driving a truck, who is singing happily. Cut back to Mario.)
Vending Machine: HOLY SHIT HELP ME HELP ME CALL THE POLICE PLEASE I AM BEING ASSAULTED PLEASE-
(Mario manages to make the machine fly off... And into the path of an oncoming Heavy.)
Heavy: SHIT! AAAAAAAAH! (He swerves and "crashes" the truck, making a squeak sound as it hits a building.)
Mario: Hmmmmmmmmmmmm?
Heavy: (Gets out of his truck.) NEVER make me angry. (Points to the truck.) It costs $400,000...
Mario: How about a nice game of "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT"! (Heavy picks him up.) EEK!
Heavy: I promise you pain without end! OOH! (He noticed that Mario is wearing red.) You, stupid! Come help defend!
Mario: What? I'm not part of your stupid Red team thing!
(Heavy's anger intensifies.)
Mario: AAAAH! Fine!
(Heavy is happy to hear this.)
Heavy: Yes!
(Heavy throws Mario into the truck and they drive off.)
Heavy: (Singing) Come sing with me! (Continues singing)
Mario: Mama mia...
If Mario was in... Team Fortress 2
(They drive off to the Badlands.)
Heavy: да. This will work.
(The duo arrive in 2Fort.)
Heavy: Let us begin!
Mario: WHOA!
(We pan around to show the RED and BLU teams going at it with each other.)
RED Heavy: HAHAHA! We are killers!
(A severed Demoman's head lands beside Mario.)
Demohead: I'm goin' ta lick ya!
Mario: Ooooooh... (Collapses)
(Mario respawns in the...well, respawn room.)
Mario: Mama mia...
(He walks around the respawn room. A RED engineer is building a dispenser. Then a RED Soldier notices Mario.)
Soldier: You there! You will give me that hat!
(Mario runs off, then backs into a Pyro, who starts dancing. Mario runs into a wall with a target on it.)
Shy Guy: YEAH TOAST!
(Mario goes over to a weapon supply.)
Mario: Oh yes! That's-a so nice!
Heavy: NO!
Mario: Mama mia!
Heavy: Your gun is for babies!
New Item Acquired (A Nerf gun.)
Heavy: Very good!
Announcer: Alert! The enemy has taken our intelligence!
Heavy: AHHH! Oh, this is bad!
(Cut to a BLU Scout holding the intelligence.)
Scout: WOOOHOHOHOOOO! Woosh! (Runs off.)
(Heavy and Mario run to the intelligence room, soon Blocking Scout's exit.)
Mario: Mario get you next time.
Scout: Aw crap.
Heavy: You are dead!
Scout: OH GOD IT'S HAPPENING! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (He fires his scattergun aimlessly like a maniac.)
Heavy: (Cowering behind his minigun Sasha.) OOOOH NOOOO! HELP ME!
Mario: (Screams) Here we go!
(His attention goes to...not the explosive barrel, but the sandvich on the desk, Mario proceeds to eat the sandvich.)
(A wild BLU Scout appears!)
BLU Scout: Yo, what's up?
Mario: (Startled, he fires his gun at him.) I got you!
(It does hit the scout on the head, but even then, it doesn't leave a mark. Scout fires his scattergun, which effortlessly kills him.)
(Mario is back in the respawn room, with a pissed Heavy staring him down.)
Mario: Mamaf***er!
(Scout is seen doing the Kazotsky kick while carrying The RED team's intelligence.)
Heavy: YAHHHHH! HELP NOW!
(A trade invitation from "xx360hatmastaxx" (RED Soldier) appears on-screen as Mario makes his way out of the respawn room)
Soldier: I want that hat! You will give me that hat!
(Mario is now outside)
Mario: Mama mia...
(The scout is seen requesting a dispenser over and over again.)
BLU Scout: Need a dispenser here! (Repeats)
Mario: (Laughs) I'm-a gonna get you (Throws a mushroom) Watch out!
Scout: Need a dispenser here!
(The scout gets hit by the mushroom, which makes his head shrink.)
Scout: I AM AN INVINCIBLE UNICOOOOOOOOOOORN! (Goes up into the sky and comically explodes.)
(Mario runs over to the intelligence when Soldier pops up.)
Soldier: I will give you green (Actually brown) paint and a name tag for that hat!
Mario: Mamaf***er! No!
Demoman: Oi! I want that hat!
Soldier: Get your black, Scottish, drunk ass outta here!
Demoman: Listen, little boy. I can offer you this (Dunce) hat right here.
Soldier: That hat is a piece of shit!
(They start fighting over the hats. Mario runs off. A grenade explosion launches the intelligence onto the roof of the connecting bridge.)
Mario: Mama mia. Okie dokie!
(He notices a Sniper focusing with his sniper rifle.)
Mario: Hey dude, can you shoot that briefcase off the roof please?
(No response from the Sniper.)
Mario: Hey! are you listening to me?
Sniper: This is gonna be a real piece of piss, ya bloody-
Mario: (Pops up in front of the rifle's scope.) Notice me, senpai!
(Sniper gets startled and fires the rifle. The bullet ricochets off a ledge and hits Sniper in the head, which kills him.)
Heavy (Offscreen): YOU ARE DEAD!
Mario: OH NU! Is the gun okay?! (Picks up the rifle.) OKIE DOKIE! let's get that briefcase!
(A BLU Pyro shows up and flutters over to the intelligence.)
Pyro: FUCK THE POLICE COMIN' STRAIGHT THE DA UNDERGROUND!
Mario: Now I really need to focus my shot!
(He notices a jar of Jarate.)
Mario: YEAH! LEMONADE...I think...will help!!!
(He drinks it...and his mustache gets bigger. Pyro jumps off the bridge with the intelligence while Mario's view of the world gets slower and loses color.)
Mario: Surprise, muthafucka.
(Using the rifle's scope, he focuses intensely on the Pyro.)
Mario: BOOM! Headshot!
("Headshot" is right, as Mario has mistakenly aimed the rifle at his own face, which fires and knocks him back, killing him. So it's back to the respawn room for ol' Mario.)
Mario: Mama mia!
(Mario chases Pyro into the tunnels below.)
Mario: Come back here!
(He then hears laughter.)
Mario: What are you doing?! What's-a going on here?!
(A BLU Spy shows up.)
Spy: Surprise... BUTTSECKS BUTTSECKS BUTTSECKS B-B-B-B-B-B-BUTTSECKS-
Mario: MAMA! (He screams and runs off, with Spy in hot pursuit. He hides behind a corner, where spy fails to follow him. Cut to Soldier and Demoman, who are are still bickering.)
Soldier and Demoman: MINE! (Repeats)
Soldier: You Scotch son of a bitch! I want that hat-
Spy: BUTTSECKS B-B-B-B-B-B-BUTTSECKS
(Soldier feels the Spy humping him from behind.)
Spy: BUTTSECKS BUTTSECKS! BU-BUTTS-
Soldier: Your painis is weak! (He sends Spy flying across the room, killing him.)
(Mario is still panicking when he comes across a BLU Heavy and a BLU Medic having a picnic, with the RED intelligence nearby.)
BLU Heavy: DOCTOR!
Medic: HAAAAAAAAA
BLU Heavy: Do you want sandvich?
Medic: AAAAAH- Yes!
(BLU Heavy shoves a huge sandvich into Medic's mouth, while Pyro is seen in the corner playing with his food.)
Mario: Mama mia!
(He backs up, and notices the Spy dropped his disguise kit. He takes it and disguises himself as... SMG4.)
Mario: WOAH!
(He then disguises as Hagrid. Then he eventually makes do with... A mask of Balloonicorn.)
Mario: Yippee! Let's-a go!
(He gets noticed by the three BLUs.)
Mario: Oh...hello! It is I! The magical Mario pony... Pay no attention to me! I mean uhh... Mooo! Magicccccc! Imma just take this (The intelligence.), kthxbai. (He flies off.)
Heavy: You! Unicorn! Do you want sandvich!?
Mario: WHOA! No, God, please no!
(Heavy tries to shove a huge sandvich into Mario, but misses and hits the Shy Guy.)
Medic: I can't..! We're going to kill you!
(Medic übercharges. Mario poops out a coin.)
Medic: Ooh! Money! (He runs over to the coin.) FREE MONEY! FREE MONEY! FREE MONEY!
(Mario grabs the intelligence and flies off.)
Mario: SCREW THIS CRAP! Please tell me that's it... (Pyro shows up.) Son of a bitch!
(Pyro takes his upper clothes off and sets himself ablaze.)
Mario: NOOOO! Fuck this shit!
(He falls through the roof and into the BLU's base, where he encounter's a dancing BLU Engineer, with a sentry and dispenser alongside him.)
Mario: OH SHIT!
(Suddenly, Soldier hurdles onto Engineer, killing the latter and his buildings.)
Demoman: (To Soldier) Lot'o good that Soldier trainin' did ya! I'M DRUNK! (To Mario) You're me bloody wife now. I want that hat!
Soldier: I'm gonna beat the shit out of you if you don't get the hell out of here!
Demoman: Grrr..! (Yells while leaping toward Soldier.)
Soldier: Come get me!
(They resume fighting. Soldier drops the Bombinomicon.)
Mario: (Noticing the book.) Woah! Let's-a go!
(The duo are still fighting.)
Soldier: U! S! A!
(Soldier fires multiple rockets in Demoman's mouth, and laughs. Demoman retaliates by throwing a bottle at Solder and launches stickybombs on the latter's crotch.)
Mario: Ohoho! Magic books! They'll put an end to this crap!!! :D
(He touches the book, and Merasmus appears, which shocks the trio.)
Soldier: Oh no! Merasmus!
Merasmus: Huzzah! ♪Do you believe in magic?♪
(He casts his magic, unleashing many monsters, aliens, and the like. Mass chaos is everywhere.)
Mario: I DON'T CARE ANY MORE! I'M TAKING ANYTHING AND RUNNING!
(He grabs the BLU intelligence and avoids a bumper car-riding BLU Heavy.)
BLU Heavy: INCOMING!
(Mario heads above ground...)
Mario: Halleluja- HOLY SHIT!
(...To see more chaos.)
Mario: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?!?!?
Headless Horseless Horsemann: (Pops up.) It's r*ping time! >:D
(HHH proceeds to chase Mario. Mario runs off and lands in a teleporter. It transports him to a TF2 match, with infamous YouTube Let's Player DarkSydePhil in the top right corner. Mario blocks the screen and gets DSP killed in-game.)
DSP: Fucking bullshit, dude! (Mario: Ha ha!) What do you want me to do!?
(Mario teleports back to the real 2Fort, and in the RED's base, with the intelligence. He celebrates, but is cut short by...)
Spy: Surprise... BUTTSECKS BUTTSECKS BUTTSECKS B-B-B-B-B-B-BUTTSECKS-
Mario: NO GOD PLEASE NO! NO!
Spy: BUTTSECKS BUTTSECKS! BU-BUTTSECKS-
Mario: NOOOOOOOO- (Backs up into the intelligence area, with the briefcase.)
Announcer: Victory! We have captured the enemy intelligence!
Mario: Way to go! (Laughs)
(Spy collapses in disappointment. Heavy is behind Mario.)
Mario: Hmmm?
(Heavy looks around. Apparently, there is still some chaos going on from earlier. Heavy returns Mario to the city.)
Heavy: Never come back! (He drives off.)
Mario: Okie dokie!
(A wild Soldier appears!)
Soldier: You will give me that hat!
(Credits roll.)