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This is the transcript for If Mario was in...Team Fortress 2.

Transcript[]

(SMG4 intro.)

(We start with a zooming of Mario's derpy face.)

Mario: OOOOOOOOOOOH!

(It is shown that he is looking at a spaghetti vending machine. He immedietly starts humping it.)

Vending Machine: Please insert a coin to purchase spaghetti. We have a variety of spaghetti from Parmesan to Italian, and our special is-

(Mario, upon realizing he has no coins, tries to insert a Toad into the slot.)

Vending Machine: OH SWEET JESUS WHAT ARE YOU DOING STOP IT OH GOD-

(Cut to Heavy driving a truck, who is singing happily. Cut back to Mario.)

Vending Machine: HOLY SHIT HELP ME HELP ME CALL THE POLICE PLEASE I AM BEING ASSAULTED PLEASE-

(Mario manages to make the machine fly off... And into the path of an oncoming Heavy.)

Heavy: SHIT! AAAAAAAAH! (He swerves and "crashes" the truck, making a squeak sound as it hits a building.)

Mario: Hmmmmmmmmmmmm?

Heavy: (Gets out of his truck.) NEVER make me angry. (Points to the truck.) It costs $400,000...

Mario: How about a nice game of "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT"! (Heavy picks him up.) EEK!

Heavy: I promise you pain without end! OOH! (He noticed that Mario is wearing red.) You, stupid! Come help defend!

Mario: What? I'm not part of your stupid Red team thing!

(Heavy's anger intensifies.)

Mario: AAAAH! Fine!

(Heavy is happy to hear this.)

Heavy: Yes!

(Heavy throws Mario into the truck and they drive off.)

Heavy: (Singing) Come sing with me! (Continues singing)

Mario: Mama mia...

If Mario was in... Team Fortress 2

(They drive off to the Badlands.)

Heavy: да. This will work.

(The duo arrive in 2Fort.)

Heavy: Let us begin!

Mario: WHOA!

(We pan around to show the RED and BLU teams going at it with each other.)

RED Heavy: HAHAHA! We are killers!

(A severed Demoman's head lands beside Mario.)

Demohead: I'm goin' ta lick ya!

Mario: Ooooooh... (Collapses)

(Mario respawns in the...well, respawn room.)

Mario: Mama mia...

(He walks around the respawn room. A RED engineer is building a dispenser. Then a RED Soldier notices Mario.)

Soldier: You there! You will give me that hat!

(Mario runs off, then backs into a Pyro, who starts dancing. Mario runs into a wall with a target on it.)

Shy Guy: YEAH TOAST!

(Mario goes over to a weapon supply.)

Mario: Oh yes! That's-a so nice!

Heavy: NO!

Mario: Mama mia!

Heavy: Your gun is for babies!

New Item Acquired (A Nerf gun.)

Heavy: Very good!

Announcer: Alert! The enemy has taken our intelligence!

Heavy: AHHH! Oh, this is bad!

(Cut to a BLU Scout holding the intelligence.)

Scout: WOOOHOHOHOOOO! Woosh! (Runs off.)

(Heavy and Mario run to the intelligence room, soon Blocking Scout's exit.)

Mario: Mario get you next time.

Scout: Aw crap.

Heavy: You are dead!

Scout: OH GOD IT'S HAPPENING! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (He fires his scattergun aimlessly like a maniac.)

Heavy: (Cowering behind his minigun Sasha.) OOOOH NOOOO! HELP ME!

Mario: (Screams) Here we go!

(His attention goes to...not the explosive barrel, but the sandvich on the desk, Mario proceeds to eat the sandvich.)

(A wild BLU Scout appears!)

BLU Scout: Yo, what's up?

Mario: (Startled, he fires his gun at him.) I got you!

(It does hit the scout on the head, but even then, it doesn't leave a mark. Scout fires his scattergun, which effortlessly kills him.)

(Mario is back in the respawn room, with a pissed Heavy staring him down.)

Mario: Mamaf***er!

(Scout is seen doing the Kazotsky kick while carrying The RED team's intelligence.)

Heavy: YAHHHHH! HELP NOW!

(A trade invitation from "xx360hatmastaxx" (RED Soldier) appears on-screen as Mario makes his way out of the respawn room)

Soldier: I want that hat! You will give me that hat!

(Mario is now outside)

Mario: Mama mia...

(The scout is seen requesting a dispenser over and over again.)

BLU Scout: Need a dispenser here! (Repeats)

Mario: (Laughs) I'm-a gonna get you (Throws a mushroom) Watch out!

Scout: Need a dispenser here!

(The scout gets hit by the mushroom, which makes his head shrink.)

Scout: I AM AN INVINCIBLE UNICOOOOOOOOOOORN! (Goes up into the sky and comically explodes.)

(Mario runs over to the intelligence when Soldier pops up.)

Soldier: I will give you green (Actually brown) paint and a name tag for that hat!

Mario: Mamaf***er! No!

Demoman: Oi! I want that hat!

Soldier: Get your black, Scottish, drunk ass outta here!

Demoman: Listen, little boy. I can offer you this (Dunce) hat right here.

Soldier: That hat is a piece of shit!

(They start fighting over the hats. Mario runs off. A grenade explosion launches the intelligence onto the roof of the connecting bridge.)

Mario: Mama mia. Okie dokie!

(He notices a Sniper focusing with his sniper rifle.)

Mario: Hey dude, can you shoot that briefcase off the roof please?

(No response from the Sniper.)

Mario: Hey! are you listening to me?

Sniper: This is gonna be a real piece of piss, ya bloody-

Mario: (Pops up in front of the rifle's scope.) Notice me, senpai!

(Sniper gets startled and fires the rifle. The bullet ricochets off a ledge and hits Sniper in the head, which kills him.)

Heavy (Offscreen): YOU ARE DEAD!

Mario: OH NU! Is the gun okay?! (Picks up the rifle.) OKIE DOKIE! let's get that briefcase!

(A BLU Pyro shows up and flutters over to the intelligence.)

Pyro: FUCK THE POLICE COMIN' STRAIGHT THE DA UNDERGROUND!

Mario: Now I really need to focus my shot!

(He notices a jar of Jarate.)

Mario: YEAH! LEMONADE...I think...will help!!!

(He drinks it...and his mustache gets bigger. Pyro jumps off the bridge with the intelligence while Mario's view of the world gets slower and loses color.)

Mario: Surprise, muthafucka.

(Using the rifle's scope, he focuses intensely on the Pyro.)

Mario: BOOM! Headshot!

("Headshot" is right, as Mario has mistakenly aimed the rifle at his own face, which fires and knocks him back, killing him. So it's back to the respawn room for ol' Mario.)

Mario: Mama mia!

(Mario chases Pyro into the tunnels below.)

Mario: Come back here!

(He then hears laughter.)

Mario: What are you doing?! What's-a going on here?!

(A BLU Spy shows up.)

Spy: Surprise... BUTTSECKS BUTTSECKS BUTTSECKS B-B-B-B-B-B-BUTTSECKS-

Mario: MAMA! (He screams and runs off, with Spy in hot pursuit. He hides behind a corner, where spy fails to follow him. Cut to Soldier and Demoman, who are are still bickering.)

Soldier and Demoman: MINE! (Repeats)

Soldier: You Scotch son of a bitch! I want that hat-

Spy: BUTTSECKS B-B-B-B-B-B-BUTTSECKS

(Soldier feels the Spy humping him from behind.)

Spy: BUTTSECKS BUTTSECKS! BU-BUTTS-

Soldier: Your painis is weak! (He sends Spy flying across the room, killing him.)

(Mario is still panicking when he comes across a BLU Heavy and a BLU Medic having a picnic, with the RED intelligence nearby.)

BLU Heavy: DOCTOR!

Medic: HAAAAAAAAA

BLU Heavy: Do you want sandvich?

Medic: AAAAAH- Yes!

(BLU Heavy shoves a huge sandvich into Medic's mouth, while Pyro is seen in the corner playing with his food.)

Mario: Mama mia!

(He backs up, and notices the Spy dropped his disguise kit. He takes it and disguises himself as... SMG4.)

Mario: WOAH!

(He then disguises as Hagrid. Then he eventually makes do with... A mask of Balloonicorn.)

Mario: Yippee! Let's-a go!

(He gets noticed by the three BLUs.)

Mario: Oh...hello! It is I! The magical Mario pony... Pay no attention to me! I mean uhh... Mooo! Magicccccc! Imma just take this (The intelligence.), kthxbai. (He flies off.)

Heavy: You! Unicorn! Do you want sandvich!?

Mario: WHOA! No, God, please no!

(Heavy tries to shove a huge sandvich into Mario, but misses and hits the Shy Guy.)

Medic: I can't..! We're going to kill you!

(Medic übercharges. Mario poops out a coin.)

Medic: Ooh! Money! (He runs over to the coin.) FREE MONEY! FREE MONEY! FREE MONEY!

(Mario grabs the intelligence and flies off.)

Mario: SCREW THIS CRAP! Please tell me that's it... (Pyro shows up.) Son of a bitch!

(Pyro takes his upper clothes off and sets himself ablaze.)

Mario: NOOOO! Fuck this shit!

(He falls through the roof and into the BLU's base, where he encounter's a dancing BLU Engineer, with a sentry and dispenser alongside him.)

Mario: OH SHIT!

(Suddenly, Soldier hurdles onto Engineer, killing the latter and his buildings.)

Demoman: (To Soldier) Lot'o good that Soldier trainin' did ya! I'M DRUNK! (To Mario) You're me bloody wife now. I want that hat!

Soldier: I'm gonna beat the shit out of you if you don't get the hell out of here!

Demoman: Grrr..! (Yells while leaping toward Soldier.)

Soldier: Come get me!

(They resume fighting. Soldier drops the Bombinomicon.)

Mario: (Noticing the book.) Woah! Let's-a go!

(The duo are still fighting.)

Soldier: U! S! A!

(Soldier fires multiple rockets in Demoman's mouth, and laughs. Demoman retaliates by throwing a bottle at Solder and launches stickybombs on the latter's crotch.)

Mario: Ohoho! Magic books! They'll put an end to this crap!!! :D

(He touches the book, and Merasmus appears, which shocks the trio.)

Soldier: Oh no! Merasmus!

Merasmus: Huzzah! ♪Do you believe in magic?♪

(He casts his magic, unleashing many monsters, aliens, and the like. Mass chaos is everywhere.)

Mario: I DON'T CARE ANY MORE! I'M TAKING ANYTHING AND RUNNING!

(He grabs the BLU intelligence and avoids a bumper car-riding BLU Heavy.)

BLU Heavy: INCOMING!

(Mario heads above ground...)

Mario: Halleluja- HOLY SHIT!

(...To see more chaos.)

Mario: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?!?!?

Headless Horseless Horsemann: (Pops up.) It's r*ping time! >:D

(HHH proceeds to chase Mario. Mario runs off and lands in a teleporter. It transports him to a TF2 match, with infamous YouTube Let's Player DarkSydePhil in the top right corner. Mario blocks the screen and gets DSP killed in-game.)

DSP: Fucking bullshit, dude! (Mario: Ha ha!) What do you want me to do!?

(Mario teleports back to the real 2Fort, and in the RED's base, with the intelligence. He celebrates, but is cut short by...)

Spy: Surprise... BUTTSECKS BUTTSECKS BUTTSECKS B-B-B-B-B-B-BUTTSECKS-

Mario: NO GOD PLEASE NO! NO!

Spy: BUTTSECKS BUTTSECKS! BU-BUTTSECKS-

Mario: NOOOOOOOO- (Backs up into the intelligence area, with the briefcase.)

Announcer: Victory! We have captured the enemy intelligence!

Mario: Way to go! (Laughs)

(Spy collapses in disappointment. Heavy is behind Mario.)

Mario: Hmmm?

(Heavy looks around. Apparently, there is still some chaos going on from earlier. Heavy returns Mario to the city.)

Heavy: Never come back! (He drives off.)

Mario: Okie dokie!

(A wild Soldier appears!)

Soldier: You will give me that hat!

(Credits roll.)