Changes: If Mario was in...Team Fortress 2/Transcript

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This is the transcript for If Mario was in...Team Fortress 2.

Transcript

(SMG4 intro.)

(We start with a zooming of Mario's derpy face.)

Mario: OOOOOOOOOOOH!

(It is shown that he is looking at a spaghetti vending machine. He immedietly starts humping it.)

Vending Machine: Please insert a coin to purchase spaghetti. We have a variety of spaghetti from Parmesan to Italian, and our special is-

(Mario, upon realizing he has no coins, tries to insert a Toad into the slot.)

Vending Machine: OH SWEET JESUS WHAT ARE YOU DOING STOP IT OH GOD-

(Cut to Heavy driving a truck, who is singing happily. Cut back to Mario.)

Vending Machine: HOLY SHIT HELP ME HELP ME CALL THE POLICE PLEASE I AM BEING ASSAULTED PLEASE-

(Mario manages to make the machine fly off... And into the path of an oncoming Heavy.)

Heavy: SHET! AAAAAAAAH! (He swerves and "crashes" the truck, making a squeak sound as it hits a building.)

Mario: Hmmmmmmmmmmmm?

Heavy: (Gets out of his truck.) NEVER make me angry. (Points to the truck.) It costs $400,000...

Mario: How about a nice game of "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT"! (Heavy picks him up.) EEK!

Heavy: I promise you pain without end! OOH! (He noticed that Mario is wearing red.) You, stupid! Come help defend!

Mario: What? I'm not part of your stupid Red team thing!

(Heavy's anger intensifies.)

Mario: AAAAH! Fine!

(Heavy is happy to hear this.)

Heavy: Yes!

(Heavy throws Mario into the truck and they drive off.)

Heavy: (Singing) Come sing with me! (Continues singing)

Mario: Mama mia...

If Mario was in... Team Fortress 2

(They drive off to the Badlands.)

Heavy: да. This will work.

(The duo arrive in 2Fort.)

Heavy: Let us begin!

Mario: WHOA!

(We pan around to show the RED and BLU teams going at it with each other.)

RED Heavy: HAHAHA! We are killers!

(A severed Demoman's head lands beside Mario.)

Demohead: I'm goin' ta lick ya!

Mario: Ooooooh... (Collapses)

(Mario respawns in the...well, respawn room.)

Mario: Mama mia...

(He walks around the respawn room. A RED engineer is building a dispenser. Then a RED Soldier notices Mario.)

Soldier: You there! You will give me that hat!

(Mario runs off, then backs into a Pyro, who starts dancing. Mario runs into a wall with a target on it.)

Shy Guy: YEAH TOAST!

(Mario goes over to a weapon supply.)

Mario: Oh yes! That's-a so nice!

Heavy: NO!

Mario: Mama mia!

Heavy: Your gun is for babies!

New Item Acquired (A Nerf gun.)

Heavy: Very good!

Announcer: Alert! The enemy has taken our intelligence!

Heavy: AHHH! Oh, this is bad!

(Cut to a BLU Scout holding the intelligence.)

Scout: WOOOHOHOHOOOO! Woosh! (Runs off.)

(Heavy and Mario run to the intelligence room, soon Blocking Scout's exit.)

Mario: Mario get you next time.

Scout: Aw crap.

Heavy: You are ded!

Scout: OH GOD IT'S HAPPENING! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (He fires his scattergun aimlessly like a maniac.)

Heavy: (Cowering behind his minigun Sasha.) OOOOH NOOOO! HELP ME!

Mario: (Screams) Here we go!

(His attention goes to...not the explosive barrel, but the sandvich on the desk, Mario proceeds to eat the sandvich.)

(A wild BLU Scout appears!)

BLU Scout: Yo, what's up?

Mario: (Startled, he fires his gun at him.) I got you!

(It does hit the scout on the head, but even then, it doesn't leave a mark. Scout fires his scattergun, which effortlessly kills him.)

(Mario is back in the respawn room, with a pissed Heavy staring him down.)

Mario: Mamaf*cker!

(Scout is seen doing the Kazotsky kick while carrying The RED team's intelligence.)

Heavy: YAHHHHH! HELP NOW!

(A trade invitation from "xx360hatmastaxx" (RED Soldier) appears on-screen as Mario makes his way out of the respawn room)

Soldier: I want that hat! You will give me that hat!

(Mario is now outside)

Mario: Mama mia...

(The scout is seen requesting a dispenser over and over again.)

BLU Scout: Need a dispenser here! (Repeats)

Mario: (Laughs) I'm-a gonna get you (Throws a mushroom) Watch out!

Scout: Need a dispenser here!

(The scout gets hit by the mushroom, which makes his head shrink.)

Scout: I AM AN INVINCIBLE UNICOOOOOOOOOOORN! (Goes up into the sky and comically explodes.)

(Mario runs over to the intelligence when Soldier pops up.)

Soldier: I will give you green (Actually brown) paint and a name tag for that hat!

Mario: Mamaf*cker! No!

Demoman: Oi! I want that hat!

Soldier: Get your black, Scottish, drunk ass outta here!

Demoman: Listen, little boy. I can offer you this (Dunce) hat right here.

Soldier: That hat is a piece of shit!

(They start fighting over the hats. Mario runs off. A grenade explosion launches the intelligence onto the roof of the connecting bridge.)

Mario: Mama mia. Okie dokie!

(He notices a Sniper focusing with his sniper rifle.)

Mario: Hey dude, can you shoot that briefcase off the roof please?

(No response from the Sniper.)

Mario: Hey! are you listening to me?

Sniper: This is gonna be a real piece of piss, ya bloody-

Mario: (Pops up in front of the rifle's scope.) Notice me, senpai!

(Sniper gets startled and fires the rifle. The bullet ricochets off a ledge and hits Sniper in the head, which kills him.)

Heavy (Offscreen): YOU ARE DED!

Mario: OH NU! Is the gun okay?! (Picks up the rifle.) OKIE DOKIE! let's get that briefcase!

(A BLU Pyro shows up and flutters over to the intelligence.)

Pyro: FUCK THE POLICE COMIN' STRAIGHT THE DA UNDERGROUND!

Mario: Now I really need to focus my shot!

(He notices a jar of Jarate.)

Mario: YEAH! LEMONADE...I think...will help!!!

(He drinks it...and his mustache gets bigger. Pyro jumps off the bridge with the intelligence while Mario's view of the world gets slower and loses color.)

Mario: Surprise, muthafucka.

(Using the rifle's scope, he focuses intensely on the Pyro.)

Mario: BOOM! Headshot!

("Headshot" is right, as Mario has mistakenly aimed the rifle at his own face, which fires and knocks him back, killing him. So it's back to the respawn room for ol' Mario.)

Mario: Mama mia!

(Mario chases Pyro into the tunnels below.)

Mario: Come back here!

(He then hears laughter.)

Mario: What are you doing?! What's-a going on here?!

(A BLU Spy shows up.)

Spy: Surprise... BUTTSECKS BUTTSECKS BUTTSECKS B-B-B-B-B-B-BUTTSECKS-

Mario: MAMA! (He screams and runs off, with Spy in hot pursuit. He hides behind a corner, where spy fails to follow him. Cut to Soldier and Demoman, who are are still bickering.)

Soldier and Demoman: MINE! (Repeats)

Soldier: You Scotch son of a bitch! I want that hat-

Spy: BUTTSECKS B-B-B-B-B-B-BUTTSECKS BUTTSECKS BUTTSECKS! BU-BUTTS-

(He feels the Spy humping him from behind.)

Soldier: Your painis is weak! (He sends Spy flying across the room, killing him.)

(Mario is still panicking when he comes across a BLU Heavy and a BLU Medic having a picnic, with the RED intelligence nearby.)

BLU Heavy: DOCTOR!

Medic: HAAAAAAAAA

BLU Heavy: Do you want sandvich?

Medic: AAAAAH- Yes!

(BLU Heavy shoves a huge sandvich into Medic's mouth, while Pyro is seen in the corner playing with his food.)

Mario: Mama mia!

(He backs up, and notices the Spy dropped his disguise kit. He takes it and disguises himself as... SMG4.)

Mario: WOAH!

(He then disguises as Hagrid. Then he eventually makes do with... A mask of Balloonicorn.)

Mario: Yippee! Let's-a go!

(He gets noticed by the three BLUs.)

Mario: Oh...hello! It is I! The magical Mario pony... Pay no attention to me! I mean uhh... Mooo! Magicccccc! Imma just take this (The intelligence.), kthxbai. (He flies off.)

Heavy: You! Unicorn! Do you want sandvich!?

Mario: WHOA! No, God, please no!

(Heavy tries to shove a huge sandvich into Mario, but misses and hits the Shy Guy.)

Medic: We're going to kill you!

(He übercharges. Mario poops out a coin.)

Medic: Ooh! Money! (He runs over to the coin.) FREE MONEY! FREE MONEY! FREE MONEY!

(Mario grabs the intelligence and flies off.)

Mario: SCREW THIS CRAP! Please tell me that's it... (Pyro shows up.) Son of a bitch!

(Pyro takes his upper clothes off and sets himself ablaze.)

Mario: NOOOO! Fuck this shit!

(He falls through the roof and into the BLU's base, where he encounter's a dancing BLU Engineer, with a sentry and dispenser alongside him.)

Mario: OH SHIT!

(Suddenly, Soldier hurdles onto Engineer, which kills the latter and his buildings.)

Demoman: (To Soldier) Lot'o good that Soldier trainin' did ya! I'M DRUNK! (To Mario) You're me bloody wife now. I want that hat!

Soldier: I'm gonna beat the shit out of you if you don't get the hell out of here!

Demoman: Grrr..! (Yells)

Soldier: Come get me!

(They resume fighting, while Soldier drops the Bombinomicon.)

Mario: (Noticing the book.) Woah! Let's-a go!

(The duo are still fighting.)

Soldier: U! S! A!

(Soldier fires multiple rockets in Demoman's mouth, and laughs. Demoman retaliates by throwing a bottle at Solder and launches stickybombs on the latter's crotch.)

Mario: Ohoho! Magic books! They'll put an end to this crap!!! :D

(He touches the book, and Merasmus appears, which shocks the trio.)

Soldier: Oh no! Merasmus!

Merasmus: Huzzah! ♪Do you believe in magic?♪

(He casts his magic, which unleashes many monsters, aliens, and such. Mass chaos is everywhere.)

Mario: I DON'T CARE ANY MORE! I'M TAKING ANYTHING AND RUNNING!

(He grabs the BLU intelligence and avoids a bumper car-riding BLU Heavy.)

BLU Heavy: INCOMING!

(Mario heads above ground...)

Mario: Halleluja- HOLY SHIT!

(...To see more chaos.)

Mario: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?!?!?

Headless Horseless Horsemann: (Pops up.) It's r*ping time! >:D

(HHH proceeds to chase Mario. Mario runs off and lands in a teleporter. It transports him to a TF2 match, with infamous YouTube Let's Player DarkSydePhil in the top right corner. Mario blocks the screen and gets DSP killed in-game.)

DSP: Fucking bullshit, dude! (Mario: Ha ha!) What do you want me to do!?

(Mario teleports back to the real 2Fort, and in the RED's base, with the intelligence. He celebrates, but is cut short by...)

Spy: Surprise... BUTTSECKS BUTTSECKS BUTTSECKS B-B-B-B-B-B-BUTTSECKS-

Mario: NO GOD PLEASE NO! NO!

Spy: BUTTSECKS BUTTSECKS! BU-BUTTSECKS-

Mario: NOOOOOOOO- (Backs up into the intelligence area, with the briefcase.)

Announcer: Victory! We have captured the enemy intelligence!

Mario: Way to go! (Laughs)

(Spy collapses in disappointment. Heavy is behind Mario.)

Mario: Hmmm?

(Heavy looks around. Apparently, there is still some chaos going on from earlier. Heavy returns Mario to the city.)

Heavy: Never come back! (He drives off.)

Mario: Okie dokie!

(A wild Soldier appears!)

Soldier: You will give me that hat!

(Credits roll.)

@@ Line 1: / Line 1: @@
+{{Blooper Tab}}
-(SMG4 2016 intro plays)
+This is the transcript for [[If Mario was in...Team Fortress 2]].
-(The blooper starts when the camera zooms in on Mario's retarded face.)
+==Transcript==
+''(SMG4 intro.)''
+''(We start with a zooming of [[Mario]]'s derpy face.)''
-'''Mario: '''OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH. (Mario is staring at the spaghetti vending machine, he starts humping it multiple times.)\
+'''Mario''': OOOOOOOOOOOH!
-'''SVM: '''Please insert a coin to purchase spaghetti. (Mario looks at the coin symbol with 'x0' at the top right corner, noticing that he has no coins.)
+''(It is shown that he is looking at a spaghetti vending machine. He immedietly starts humping it.)''
-'''SVM: '''We have a variety of spaghetti from Parmesan to Italian and our special is-(Mario then shoves a Toad in the money slot.)
+'''Vending Machine: Please insert a coin to purchase spaghetti. We have a variety of spaghetti from Parmesan to Italian, and our special is-'''
-'''SVM: '''OH SWEET JESUS WHAT ARE YOU DOING STOP IT OH GOD-(the scene cuts to the truck with Heavy inside who is driving while he is having a seizure and singing The Heavy Song.)
-(cut back to Mario who is still shoving the Toad inside the money slot.)
+''(Mario, upon realizing he has no coins, tries to insert [[Toad (species)|a Toad]] into the slot.)''
+'''Vending Machine: OH SWEET JESUS WHAT ARE YOU DOING STOP IT OH GOD-'''
-'''Mario: '''*Angry German Kid sounds*
+''(Cut to [[Heavy]] driving a truck, who is singing happily. Cut back to Mario.)''
-'''SVM: '''HOLY SHIT HELP ME HELP ME CALL THE POLICE I AM BEING ASSAULTED PLEASE! (the vending machine gets knocked out and lands onto the road where Heavy is driving on. Heavy stops singing when he spots it.)
+'''Vending Machine: HOLY SHIT HELP ME HELP ME CALL [[The Police|THE POLICE]] PLEASE I AM BEING ASSAULTED PLEASE-'''
-'''Heavy:''' Shit! (He screams when he turns the truck around but it bumps into a building. He exits the truck when Mario turns around.)
-'''Heavy: '''''Never'', make me angry. (the camera zooms into Heavy's broken face.) It costs $400,000.
+(''Mario manages to make the machine fly off... And into the path of an oncoming Heavy''.)
+'''Heavy''': SHET! AAAAAAAAH! (''He swerves and "crashes" the truck, making a squeak sound as it hits a building''.)
-'''Mario: '''How about a nice game of ''I DONT GIVE A SHIT! ''(Heavy grabs his throat and lifts him up.)
+'''Mario''': Hmmmmmmmmmmmm?
-'''Heavy: '''I promise you, pain without end. Ooh! (He noticed that he is wearing a red hat, which means he is from the RED team.) You, stupid! Come help defend!
+'''Heavy''': (''Gets out of his truck.'') NEVER make me angry. (''Points to the truck''.) It costs $400,000...
-'''Mario: '''What? I'm not part of your stupid "red" team thing! (This makes Heavy extremely angry and his face gets expanded.)
-'''Mario: '''Aah! Fine! (Heavy does a creepy smile.)
+'''Mario''': How about a nice game of "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT"! (''Heavy picks him up''.) EEK!
+'''Heavy''': I promise you pain without end! OOH! (''He noticed that Mario is wearing red''.) You, stupid! Come help defend!
-'''Heavy: '''Yes! (He throws Mario into the truck and drives off with him while he sings.)
+'''Mario''': What? I'm not part of your stupid Red team thing!
-'''Heavy: '''Come sing with me!
+''(Heavy's anger intensifies.)
-'''Mario: '''Mamma Mia... (The "If Mario Was In TF2" intro plays while Heavy is dancing to the song "Space Jam" by Quad City DJ's.)
+''
+'''Mario''': AAAAH! Fine!
-(The blooper continues with Heavy driving in the truck while he sings and Mario was screaming. The truck tips the "Badlands" sign over before they enter a tunnel.)
+''(Heavy is happy to hear this.)''
-'''Heavy: '''What's the matter with you!? (the scene cuts to the Badlands where Heavy parks the truck on the fence.) Dah, this will work. (Cut to the "2Fort" map when Heavy is still singing.)
-'''Heavy: '''Let us begin!
+'''Heavy''': Yes!
+(''Heavy throws Mario into the truck and they drive off''.)
-'''Mario: '''Wah! (The "TF2 Theme" song plays when they both saw the Red team and Blu team fighting on the bridge. A Red Spy with a creepy face was laughing on a dead Blu Medic. A Red Demoman was singing while he is doing the Kazotsky Kick before he blows up from a rocket.)
+'''Heavy''': (''Singing'') Come sing with me! (''Continues singing'')
-'''Heavy(while lauging and dancing): '''We are killers! (Mario watches in awe when the Demoman's head lands near him. Mario stares at him.)
+'''Mario''': Mama mia...
-'''Demoman Head(smiling): '''I'm goin 2 lik ya.
+'''If Mario was in... Team Fortress 2'''
-'''Mario: '''Oooh. (he passes out before he is respawned in the respawn area.) Mamma Mia. (He walks to the Red Engineer (who is building a dispenser) and the Red Soldier.)
+''(They drive off to the Badlands.)
-'''Red Soldier: '''U there! U will give me dat hat! (Mario screams and ran away from him and walks backwards before being bumped by a Red Pyro from behind.)
+''
+'''Heavy''': да. This will work.
-'''Mario(looks back): '''Hmmm? (The Red Pyro dances when muffling, and Mario screams again before being bumped into a wall.)
+''(The duo arrive in 2Fort.)
-'''Shy Guy: '''Yeah toast! (Mario goes to the weapons supply.)
+''
+'''Heavy''': Let us begin!
-'''Mario: '''Oh yes! That's a so nice! (Heavy with an angry face appears in front of him.)
-'''Heavy: '''NO!
+'''Mario''': WHOA!
+''(We pan around to show the RED and BLU teams going at it with each other.)''
-'''Mario: '''Mamma Mia!
+'''RED Heavy''': HAHAHA! We are killers!
-'''Heavy: '''Your gun's for babies! (He gives Mario a Nerf gun. Heavy smiles when he gives a thumbs up.) Very good!
+''(A severed [[Demoman]]'s head lands beside Mario.)''
-'''Administrator(offscreen): '''Alert! The enemy have taken our intellegence!
-'''Heavy: '''DAH! Oh this is bad!
+'''Demohead''': I'm goin' ta lick ya!
+'''Mario''': Ooooooh... (''Collapses'')
-(Cut to a Blu Scout with a big smiling mouth collecting the Red briefcase.)
+''(Mario respawns in the...well, respawn room.)''
-'''Blu Scout: '''Woohoohoohoooo! (He runs away.) Woosh!
+'''Mario''': Mama mia...
-(Cut to Mario running with Heavy while he does a battle cry.)
+''(He walks around the respawn room. A RED [[engineer]] is building a dispenser. Then a RED [[Soldier]] notices Mario.)''
-'''Mario: '''Mamma miaaaaa! (They both cornered the Blu Scout.) Mario get you next time!
+'''Soldier''': You there! You will give me that hat!
-'''Blu Scout: '''Ah crap.
+''(Mario runs off, then backs into a [[Pyro]], who starts dancing. Mario runs into a wall with a target on it.)''
-'''Heavy: '''U R DED.
+'''[[Shy Guy (species)|Shy Guy]]''': YEAH TOAST!
-'''Blu Scout: '''Oh god it's happening! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...(while firing a scattergun at Heavy who is cowering behind his minigun.)
+''(Mario goes over to a weapon supply.)''
-'''Heavy: '''Oh noooo! Help me!
+'''Mario''': Oh yes! That's-a so nice!
-'''Mario: '''Aaaaah! Aaaaah! (He smiles.) Here we go! (He flies to the gas tank but he said 'NOPE' and he instead goes to the sandvich on the table. He eats it while the smiling Blu Scout comes close to him.)
-'''Blu Scout: '''Oh what's up?
+'''Heavy''': NO!
+'''Mario''': Mama mia!
-'''Mario: '''Oohohoho! I gotcha! (He fires a nerf gun at his face but it wasn't effective. The Blu Scout kills him with his scattergun.)
+'''Heavy''': Your gun is for babies!
-(Cut to the respawn area where Mario respawns again and Heavy was angry at him.)
+'''New Item Acquired (A Nerf gun.)
-'''Mario: '''Mamaf**ker! (The Blu Scout with the briefcase does the Kazotsky Kick when he leaves the Red base.)
+'''
-'''Heavy(offscreen): '''YAAAAAAAAAAA! HELP NOW!
+'''Heavy''': Very good!
+'''Announcer''': Alert! The enemy has taken our intelligence!
-'''Red Soldier/XX360HATMASTAXX(while Mario crawls past him): '''I want dat hat! U will give me dat hat!
+'''Heavy''': AHHH! Oh, this is bad!
-'''Mario: '''Mamma Mia... (he spots the Blu Engineer building a dispenser, and a Blu Scout with the Red briefcase near him.)
+''(Cut to a BLU [[Scout]] holding the intelligence.)''
-'''Blu Scout: '''Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here!
+'''Scout''': WOOOHOHOHOOOO! Woosh! (''Runs off''.)
-'''Mario: '''Yahooohaha! Imma gonna get you! (he throw a mushroom at him.) Watch out!
+''(Heavy and Mario run to the intelligence room, soon Blocking Scout's exit.)''
-'''Blu Scout: '''Need a dispenser here! (the mushroom causes his head to shrink really small.)
+'''Mario''': Mario get you next time.
-'''Blu Scout(spazzing out, while flying to the sky): '''I AM AN INVINCIBLE UNICOOOOOO(Mario: Here we go!)OOOOOOOOORN!!!!! (explodes)
+'''Scout''': Aw crap.
-'''Mario: '''Yeh! Hahaha! (he runs to the briefcase but was interrupted by the Red Soldier.)
+'''Heavy''': You are ded!
-'''Red Soldier: '''I will give u green paint, and a name tag for dat hat!
+'''Scout''': OH GOD IT'S HAPPENING! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (''He fires his scattergun aimlessly like a maniac''.)
-M'''ario: '''Mamaf**ker, no! (Red Demoman appears.)
+'''Heavy''': (''Cowering behind his minigun Sasha''.) OOOOH NOOOO! HELP ME!
-'''Red Demoman: '''Oi! I want dat hat!
+'''Mario''': (''Screams'') Here we go!
-'''Red Soldier: '''Get your black scottish drunk ass outta here!
+(''His attention goes to...not the explosive barrel, but the sandvich on the desk, Mario proceeds to eat the sandvich.'')
-'''Red Demoman(to Mario): '''Listen little boi, I can offer you this hat (pulls out a Dunce hat) right here!
+''(A wild BLU Scout appears!)
-'''Red Soldier: '''DAT HAT IS A PIECE OF SHIT! (Demoman fires some grenades at him while he screams, and the Soldier fires his rocket launcher at him while he also screams.
+''
+'''BLU Scout''': Yo, what's up?
+'''Mario''': (''Startled, he fires his gun at him''.) I got you!
+(''It does hit the scout on the head, but even then, it doesn't leave a mark. Scout fires his scattergun, which effortlessly kills him''.)
+''(Mario is back in the respawn room, with a pissed Heavy staring him down.)
+''
+'''Mario''': Mamaf*cker!
+''(Scout is seen doing the Kazotsky kick while carrying The RED team's intelligence.)''
+'''Heavy''': YAHHHHH! HELP NOW!
+''(A trade invitation from "'''xx360hatmastaxx'''" (RED Soldier) appears on-screen as Mario makes his way out of the respawn room)''
+'''Soldier''': I want that hat! You will give me that hat!
+''(Mario is now outside)''
+'''Mario''': Mama mia...
+''(The scout is seen requesting a dispenser over and over again.)''
+'''BLU Scout''': Need a dispenser here! (''Repeats'')
+'''Mario''': (''Laughs'') I'm-a gonna get you (''Throws a mushroom'') Watch out!
+'''Scout''': Need a dispenser here!
+(''The scout gets hit by the mushroom, which makes his head shrink''.)
+'''Scout:''' I AM AN INVINCIBLE UNICOOOOOOOOOOORN! (''Goes up into the sky and comically explodes''.)
+''(Mario runs over to the intelligence when Soldier pops up.)
+''
+'''Soldier''': I will give you green (''Actually brown'') paint and a name tag for that hat!
+'''Mario''': Mamaf*cker! No!
+'''Demoman''': Oi! I want that hat!
+'''Soldier''': Get your black, Scottish, drunk ass outta here!
+'''Demoman''': Listen, little boy. I can offer you this (''Dunce'') hat right here.
+'''Soldier''': That hat is a piece of shit!
+''(They start fighting over the hats. Mario runs off. A grenade explosion launches the intelligence onto the roof of the connecting bridge.)''
+'''Mario''': Mama mia. Okie dokie!
+(''He notices a [[Sniper]] focusing with his sniper rifle''.)
+'''Mario''': Hey dude, can you shoot that briefcase off the roof please?
+(''No response from the Sniper''.)
+'''Mario''': Hey! are you listening to me?
+'''Sniper''': This is gonna be a real piece of piss, ya bloody-
+'''Mario''': (''Pops up in front of the rifle's scope''.) Notice me, senpai!
+''(Sniper gets startled and fires the rifle. The bullet ricochets off a ledge and hits Sniper in the head, which kills him.)''
+'''Heavy (Offscreen)''': YOU ARE DED!
+'''Mario''': OH NU! Is the gun okay?! (''Picks up the rifle''.) OKIE DOKIE! let's get that briefcase!
+''(A BLU Pyro shows up and flutters over to the intelligence.)''
+'''Pyro''': FUCK THE POLICE COMIN' STRAIGHT THE DA UNDERGROUND!
+'''Mario''': Now I really need to focus my shot!
+(''He notices a jar of Jarate''.)
+'''Mario''': YEAH! LEMONADE...I think...will help!!!
+(''He drinks it...and his mustache gets bigger. Pyro jumps off the bridge with the intelligence while Mario's view of the world gets slower and loses color''.)
+'''Mario''': Surprise, muthafucka.
+''(Using the rifle's scope, he focuses intensely on the Pyro.)''
+'''Mario''': BOOM! Headshot!
+''("Headshot" is right, as Mario has mistakenly aimed the rifle at his own face, which fires and knocks him back, killing him. So it's back to the respawn room for ol' Mario.)''
+'''Mario''': Mama mia!
+''(Mario chases Pyro into the tunnels below.)''
+'''Mario''': Come back here!
+''(He then hears laughter.)''
+'''Mario''': What are you doing?! What's-a going on here?!
+''(A BLU [[Spy]] shows up.)''
+'''Spy''': Surprise... BUTTSECKS BUTTSECKS BUTTSECKS B-B-B-B-B-B-BUTTSECKS-
+'''Mario''': MAMA! (''He screams and runs off, with Spy in hot pursuit. He hides behind a corner, where spy fails to follow him. Cut to Soldier and Demoman, who are are still bickering''.)
+'''Soldier and Demoman:''' MINE! (Repeats)
+'''Soldier''': You Scotch son of a bitch! I want that hat-
+'''Spy''': BUTTSECKS B-B-B-B-B-B-BUTTSECKS BUTTSECKS BUTTSECKS! BU-BUTTS-
+(''He feels the Spy humping him from behind''.)
+'''Soldier:''' Your painis is '''weak!''' (''He sends Spy flying across the room, killing him''.)
+''(Mario is still panicking when he comes across a BLU Heavy and a BLU [[Medic]] having a picnic, with the RED intelligence nearby.)''
+'''BLU Heavy''': DOCTOR!
+'''Medic''': HAAAAAAAAA
+'''BLU Heavy''': Do you want sandvich?
+'''Medic''': AAAAAH- Yes!
+(''BLU Heavy shoves a huge sandvich into Medic's mouth, while Pyro is seen in the corner playing with his food''.)
+'''Mario''': Mama mia!
+(''He backs up, and notices the Spy dropped his disguise kit. He takes it and disguises himself as... SMG4''.)
+'''Mario''': WOAH!
+''(He then disguises as Hagrid. Then he eventually makes do with... A mask of Balloonicorn.)
+''
+'''Mario''': Yippee! Let's-a go!
+''(He gets noticed by the three BLUs.)
+''
+'''Mario''': Oh...hello! It is I! The magical Mario pony... Pay no attention to me! I mean uhh... Mooo! Magicccccc! Imma just take this (''The intelligence''.), kthxbai. (''He flies off''.)
+'''Heavy''': You! Unicorn! Do you want sandvich!?
+'''Mario''': WHOA! No, God, please no!
+''(Heavy tries to shove a huge sandvich into Mario, but misses and hits the Shy Guy.)''
+'''Medic''': We're going to kill you!
+(''He übercharges. Mario poops out a coin''.)
+'''Medic''': Ooh! Money! (''He runs over to the coin''.) FREE MONEY! FREE MONEY! FREE MONEY!
+''(Mario grabs the intelligence and flies off.)
+''
+'''Mario''': SCREW THIS CRAP! Please tell me that's it... (''Pyro shows up''.) Son of a bitch!
+(''Pyro takes his upper clothes off and sets himself ablaze''.)
+'''Mario''': NOOOO! Fuck this shit!
+(''He falls through the roof and into the BLU's base, where he encounter's a dancing BLU Engineer, with a sentry and dispenser alongside him''.)
+'''Mario''': OH SHIT!
+''(Suddenly, Soldier hurdles onto Engineer, which kills the latter and his buildings.)''
+'''Demoman''': (''To Soldier'') Lot'o good that Soldier trainin' did ya! I'M DRUNK! (''To Mario'') You're me bloody wife now. I want that hat!
+'''Soldier''': I'm gonna beat the shit out of you if you don't get the hell out of here!
+'''Demoman''': Grrr..! (Yells)
+'''Soldier''': Come get me!
+(''They resume fighting, while Soldier drops the Bombinomicon''.)
+'''Mario''': (''Noticing the book''.) Woah! Let's-a go!
+''(The duo are still fighting.)
+'''Soldier''': U! S! A!
+(Soldier fires multiple rockets in Demoman's mouth, and laughs. Demoman retaliates by throwing a bottle at Solder and launches stickybombs on the latter's crotch.)
+'''Mario''': Ohoho! Magic books! They'll put an end to this crap!!! :D
+(''He touches the book, and Merasmus appears, which shocks the trio''.)
+'''Soldier''': Oh no! Merasmus!
+'''Merasmus''': Huzzah! ♪Do you believe in magic?♪
+(''He casts his magic, which unleashes many monsters, aliens, and such. Mass chaos is everywhere''.)
+'''Mario''': I DON'T CARE ANY MORE! I'M TAKING ANYTHING AND RUNNING!
+(''He grabs the BLU intelligence and avoids a bumper car-riding BLU Heavy.)''
+'''BLU Heavy''': INCOMING!
+(Mario heads above ground...)
+'''Mario''': Halleluja- HOLY SHIT!
+(''...To see more chaos''.)
+'''Mario''': WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?!?!?
+'''Headless Horseless Horsemann''': (''Pops up''.) It's r*ping time! >:D
+''(HHH proceeds to chase Mario. Mario runs off and lands in a teleporter. It transports him to a TF2 match, with infamous YouTube Let's Player DarkSydePhil in the top right corner. Mario blocks the screen and gets DSP killed in-game.)''
+'''DSP''': Fucking bullshit, dude! ('''Mario''': Ha ha!) What do you want me to do!?
+''(Mario teleports back to the real 2Fort, and in the RED's base, with the intelligence. He celebrates, but is cut short by...)
+''
+'''Spy''': Surprise... BUTTSECKS BUTTSECKS BUTTSECKS B-B-B-B-B-B-BUTTSECKS-
+'''Mario''': NO GOD PLEASE NO! NO!
+'''Spy''': BUTTSECKS BUTTSECKS! BU-BUTTSECKS-
+'''Mario''': NOOOOOOOO- (''Backs up into the intelligence area, with the briefcase''.)
+'''Announcer''': Victory! We have captured the enemy intelligence!
+'''Mario''': Way to go! (Laughs)
+(''Spy collapses in disappointment. Heavy is behind Mario''.)
+'''Mario''': Hmmm?
+(''Heavy looks around. Apparently, there is still some chaos going on from earlier. Heavy returns Mario to the city''.)
+'''Heavy''': Never come back! (''He drives off''.)
+'''Mario''': Okie dokie!
+''(A wild Soldier appears!)
+''
+'''Soldier''': You will give me that hat!
+''(Credits roll.)''
+[[Category:Transcripts]]
+[[Category:Blooper Transcripts]]
+[[Category:2016 Transcripts]]
+[[Category:Finished transcripts]]
+[[Category:A to Z]]
+[[Category:If Mario Was In... Transcripts]]