Heavy Weapons Guy took Mario to the world of Team Fortress 2, thinking that Mario is part of RED, where there is a war between RED and BLU, and the main objective for one team is to capture the enemy team's intelligence (contained in a briefcase). Now Mario will have to play along, even though it will end in a retarded way.
Mario finds a spaghetti vending machine, and is overjoyed about it. However, the machine tells Mario that he needs to insert one coin to continue. Mario, who is coinless, tries to get spaghetti from the machine by shoving Toad into the coin slot, much to the machine's shock. Mario then eventually flings it into the middle of the road. Just then, RED Heavy Weapons Guy drives by in his truck, who is singing. Heavy then sees the machine and narrowly avoids it, though he does hit a building in the process. Angrily, he walks out of his truck and tells Mario that it will cost $400,000 to fix. Mario explains to Heavy that he would rather play a game of "I DON'T GIVE A SH!T!". Heavy, clearly annoyed, threatens the plumber with pain, but then he notices Mario's red hat. He asks Mario if he is on the RED team. Mario says no, but then agrees to go along with the gig.
Heavy drives Mario to the Badlands, where he reveals that the teams are at war. Mario then witnesses BLU Demoman get blown up. The BLU Demoman's head lands near Mario, and explains to Mario that he's gonna rape him. Mario then faints and respawns. In the resupply area, RED Soldier asks Mario for his hat. Mario refuses. He backs into RED Pyro, who begins dancing. Mario flees, but he slams into the wall. Mario heads for the weapons supply, only for RED Heavy to tell him that the weapons are "for babies." Heavy then gives Mario a Nerf gun. Just then, the Administrator announces that the enemy has taken their intelligence. BLU Scout, who has taken the briefcase containing it, is chased and soon cornered by Mario and RED Heavy. He begins firing his gun at the two. Heavy cowers and asks Mario to help. Mario flies towards some flammable gasoline, but goes past it and eats a sandwich. When Scout notices, Mario shoots him with his NERF gun, which is ineffective. Scout shoots him with his gun.
Mario and RED Heavy respawn in the resupply area. BLU Scout still has the intelligence. Mario crawls over to the other side, where the BLU Scout and BLU Engineer are building a BLU dispenser. Mario tosses a Mushroom at Scout's face, making him believe he is magical. After a moment of hallucinations, Scout flies into the air and explodes. Mario is about to grab the briefcase, only to be interrupted by RED Soldier, who attempts trading green paint and a name tag for Mario's hat. Suddenly, RED Demoman appears, who also wants Mario's hat. Soldier tells Demoman to get his ass out of there, but he refuses. Demoman attemps to trade Mario's hat for another hat, only for Soldier to call Demoman's hat a piece of shit. Demoman and Soldier then begin firing at each other, causing Mario to flee. A grenade explodes in front of the briefcase, and it is blown to the top of a roof. Mario sees RED Sniper and asks him to shoot the briefcase off of the roof. This request is ignored. Mario jumps in front of Sniper's gun, startling him. The bullet bounces off a piece of wood and pierces him through the head, killing him. BLU Pyro appears and flies onto the roof. Mario searches Sniper and finds a vial of yellow liquid. Thinking it's lemonade, he drinks it and grows a giant mustache. The scene plays in slow-motion as Mario tries to aim his gun at Pyro. However, he holds his gun the wrong way and headshots himself in the face.
Mario respawns in the resupply area. BLU Pyro, splashing around in the water, still has the briefcase. Mario jumps in and follows him through the sewer. Suddenly, BLU Spy appears and chases after Mario with the goal of "surprise buttsecks". Mario hides and avoids him for a short time. In the meantime, RED Solider is fighting RED Demoman over who gets Mario's hat. Spy then starts humping Soldier from behind. Soldier claims that Spy's painis is weak, and then tosses him into the same room Mario happens to be in. The plumber crawls away and notices two members of the opposing team: BLU Heavy and BLU Medic. Heavy force-feeds Medic a huge sandwich. Mario searches Spy to find a pack that he uses to change himself into a floating pony. He takes the briefcase. Just then, Heavy notices and tries to give him a giant sandwich. Mario flies away and is cornered by Medic, who UberCharges himself. This causes Mario to drop a coin. Medic then comes out of his charge, and then makes a dive for the "free money" that Mario dropped. Mario grabs the suitcase, only to end up on a roof with BLU Pyro, who sets himself on fire and begins to dance. Mario falls through the roof and ends up in a room with the BLU Engineer and his sentry gun. RED Soldier collides with it, blowing him, Engineer and the sentry gun to pieces.
RED Demoman corners Mario, asking for his hat. RED Soldier then rises, and threatens to beat up Demoman if he doesn't get the hell out of there. A fight sparks between the Soldier and Demoman, again. Mario grabs the Bombinomicon (a magic book with a bomb on the front) and spawns Merasmus, who turns the field into a world of bizarre sights and sounds. Mario takes the briefcase and escapes. Eventually, he jumps into a portal teleporting him into an actual Team Fortress 2 session. Finally, Mario is in a safe area -- that is, until the BLU Spy appears with the goal of "surprise buttsecks" once again. Mario backs into the capture zone, where the Administrator says that he has successfully captured the enemy intelligence, causing Spy to fall over. Suddenly, RED Heavy appears in the room and stumbles upon all of the bizarre sights. He drives Mario back to where he first picked him up and orders him to never come back. Mario is relieved that he never has to go to the retarded world of TF2 again, but is interrupted from his happiness when RED Soldier reappears and once more asks for Mario's hat.
- Heavy Weapons Guy
- Shy Guy
- Administrator (Voice only)
- Sentry Buster
- When Mario is talking to the Sniper and is asking him to shoot the Red Team's intelligence off of the roof, he says "of" rather than "off".
- This is the first "If Mario was in..." video to not have Mario's name replace a word or part of the title of the game Mario is appearing in. (Mariotale, Grand Theft Mario)
- The song the Spy sings is what he is looking for: "Surpuse Buttsecks" by Scoutellite: a parody of Syrsa-Syrsa-Yonk.
(2016 SMG4 intro plays)