"Hello. Welcome to Mario Simulator. You get to do Mario Stuff.... Hooray"
"Wait a minute. Where the hell is Mario?"
"One day, in Teletubbyland, Po, Laa-Laa, Tinky Winky, and Dipsy got arrested for robbing a bank and also damaging a roof."
"Welcome back to Animal Channel (SMG4:Today we're lookin' at. The wild luigi "doll") WOW! There's a Wild Luigi... Look. They're Communicating... It's Amazing... Oh well what's going on Here?"
"Wassup, bro. You got a new spaghetti order. (Mario growls in anger) Don't be like that. Think positive. Bitch."
"Don't let it get to you. Remember, this is to make money for Peach, not to show off how awesome spaghetti is. Ah fuck."
"Nice fighting, dickface. Boy, you fight like a sissy. At least you got the money for Peach, right?"
"Dipsy's getting it on with the ladies. Laa-Laa wasn't invited. She was very angry."
"Time for Tubby toast."
Oh no, it's Bowser."
"Oh no, it's Mario"
"Nice going. You got the wrong princess."
"Welcome to Princess Capturing Simulator, where you get to be a creep and steal little girls.....Hooray"
"Well it looks like Mario is pissed and he's coming to get you. What do you want to do?"
"This is a story about a turtle named Bowser. Bowser was a weirdo who likes to steal princesses for a living. Uh, Bowser has other hobbies that might be mildly disturbing. Bowser lived a happy and weird life, he was so awesome in fact the doctor came to visit him and reported that he was pregnant."
"If you're watching this, then you are asking: How can I become a cop?"
"You are now ready to protect the citizens of your area, happy face."
"Oh dear. Which button stops it?"
"Have you ever experienced explosive diarrhea before?"