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This page is the transcript for R64: Stupid Mario Kart.
Transcript[]
(Retarded64 intro; MAMA F**KER!)
Teletubbies Title Song Lyrics: Over the hills and far away. / Teletubbies come to play.
Wario: Ahehhae! (Runs over Po who is on the race track.)
Toad: Here we go!
Wario: IMA WARIO IM gona FACK u!
Toad: Ahwawawa! (Dodges the Bob-omb) Bitch! Go Go Crazy Girlfriend!
(Toad throws Toadette at Wario causing him to crash)
Toadette: BUY ME MORE JEWELRY!
(Toadette lands on Wario's face, causing the latter to scream, and crash his car into a nearby sign)
Toad: Yay! Ahaha! Yee-haw!
(Toad then continues up a boost ramp only to crash into an invisible wall and fall into a trap that Waluigi made. Luigi is seen crying as he's also trapped as he tries hitting the chain to escape, as Waluigi spectates.)
(Waluigi proceeds to drive on race track)
Waluigi: Waha! Wahaha-wah!
Fishy Boopkins: (while repeatingly hitting his kart on a tree) Weee! Look at me! I'm driving! Yay! This is so much fun! I'm gonna be the No. 1 Star!
(The tree then falls on Waluigi as he passes by, crushing him)
Fishy Boopkins: Oh no! I was playing with that! (Gets hit by a Bullet Bill) Ah!
(Bowser reveals that he has a Bill Blaster as he drives by, laughing. He then suddenly stops and reverses back and sees Peach who has crashed her kart (which is now on fire) beside a tree.)
Peach: Oh yea! Yes! Ahaha!
Bowser: DAAAMMMMNNN!!
Bowser: BWAHAHAHA! I love you. (Gives Peach flowers)
Peach: (Holds up a Bob-omb) YOLOOOO!
Bowser: *screams*
(Bob-omb each blows Bowser up as well as Peach.)
SMG4: GODAMMIT! Can't we have just ONE normal race!? And where the hell is the other racer?
(Mario, who is still at the start/finish line doing doughnuts.)
SMG4: It's been SEVEN races, and we STILL can't figure out a winner because you keep murdering each other!
Toad: We can play Mario Party to figure out the winner. :D
SMG4: Shut yo bitch ass up! (Kicks Toad)
SMG4: Alright, since all of you love to hurt each other so much... We're doing a Battle Royale!
Balloon Battle[]
Mario: Let's a go!
Luigi: *crying*
Mario: WOAH!
SMG4: Rules are simple, Don't let your balloons pop! Last one holding a balloon wins!
SMG4: Ready?... Annnd kill each other!
(All characters scream, as they scatter across the arena)
(Mario knocks over a Item Box and gets Triple Green Shells)
Mario: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Proceeds to then laugh while spamming his shells)
Fishy Boopkins: Oh no! Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope! Ahhhh! (gets hit by many of Mario's shells and gets launched into the distance) *screams*
Toad: Ahahaha! Yee-haw! (Hits an item box to get a Golden Dash Mushroom) YEAH SHROOMS!!!
Sonic Theme: GOTTA GO FAST. GOTTA GO FAST. GOTTA GO FAST- (Toad then rapidly uses the GDM, flying around the arena)
Waluigi: Waha! Waluigi! (Hits an item box to get a single banana) Wah! Come on! (Shakes the Item HUD to instead receive a coin) Lets-a-go! (Shakes the HUD again to now get a bazooka) Wahahaha! *laughing*
Wario: I am invincible, invincible- (Gets hit by Waluigi's rocket and blows up) OWWWW!
Narrator (Heavy): You are dead!
Waluigi: Waluigi time!
Ridin' theme: (Luigi drifts by Waluigi with his signature death stare) They see me rollin', they hatin', patrolin', and tryna catch me ridin' dirty. Tryna catch me ridin' dirty, Tryna catch me ridin' dirty, Tryna catch me ridin' dirty, Tryna catch me ridin' dirty.
Waluigi: DIE BITCH! (fires another rocket at Luigi)
Luigi: BIATCH! (grabs the rocket, and throws it back at a terrified Waluigi)
Waluigi: *Goofy holler*
(Ridin' theme ends)
Luigi: Luigi! Luigi! Oh yeah! Wah!
(Luigi gets hit by Toad's kart)
Narrator (Heavy): You are Dead!
(Toad is revealed to still use the GDM, but has been reduced to a skeleton)
Narrator (Heavy): You are Dead!
Peach: ♪La, la, la, la, la, la!♪ This is fun! Peachy. (Screams as she sees a Chain Chomp, and when her kart is about to tip down) Oh! Ah! Oh no! Mario! Help me!
(Mario rams his kart up to Peach's)
Mario: *Scar's voice* Long live the King!
(Mario throws Peach's kart off the block. Peach them screams as she is eaten by the Chain Chomp)
Narrator (Heavy): You are Dead!
(Mario then hops down the block to notice Bowser is still standing. The two then equip a lance and charge at each other while yelling)
Fishy Boopkins: Surprise, bitches! I’m not dead yet!
(Fishy Boopkins lays banana peels across the track, causing Mario and Bowser to slip and fly into the air, as they scream)
Fishy Boopkins: Oh my god, Fishy Boopkin's the winner! *gibberish* (Bowser and Mario then land on him; DEAD 2x, GAME OVER YEAH!) My uterus...
SMG4: Oh come on! COME ON! I got to give this stupid trophy to someone!
SMG4: Screw these Game Modes! They’re not decisive enough! It's time for my OWN Game Modes!
Boss Battle![]
SMG4: This one is simple! Whoever defeats the boss wins!!!
Luigi: Uhh... Who is the boss?...
(Link from The Legend of Zelda, turns out to be the boss, seen driving a overpowered vehicle.)
Link: *screams*
Wario: Ah, Fuck.
Link: SCREW GRAVITY!
Basically Anyone: RUN BITCH! RUUUUUUN!
(Link lands next to everyone)
Link: *still screaming*
Toad: *battle scream* FOR THE LOVING WIIIIIIN! (places a banana peel next to Link) Yeah! Defeated now, bitch?
(Link throws his sword at Toad, and it stabs the latter in the forehead)
Toad: Fine! Be that way! Im gonna take a dump.
Luigi: Wait! Shouldn't we work together, we can all win!
Wario: F**k you!
Wario: *While singing F*k da police* F**k the police coming straight from the underground...
(Link launches a Spiny Shell at Wario)
Wario: OH MY GOD! NOPE! NOPE! NOPE!
(The Spiny Shell bypasses Wario, but stops to find him disguised as a banana)
Wario: I'm a banana!
(The Spiny Shell beats up Wario and sets him on fire)
Luigi: Wah!
Bowser: *laugh*
Link: *gibberish*
Peach: ♪Why can't we be friends?♪ (Link crushes her) *scream*
Bowser: WHAT? NOT MY PEACH! HUP! (Jumps in the air and charges at Link) *growling*
(Link uses the Gust Bellows to push Bowser into the lava pit)
Bowser: *screaming*
Waluigi: (tosses a shell at Link) Wah! (Link looks at him) *clear throat* I'll seek myself out. (jumps into the lava pit)
Luigi: Mama Mia! We need a team plan guys!
Fishy Boopkins: OH I HAVE A IDEA!-
Mario: Ohh, wait! I got a better idea!
(Mario grabs both Luigi's and Boopkins' karts and attempts to ram into Link, but the latter uses a Super Star power-up, knocking the trio out.)
(The Boss Battle concluded in a Draw, causing SMG4 to face punch himself in the head, frustrated; GAME OVER YEAH!)
SMG4: Okay, maybe the difficulty was a bit too high... (Link celebrates while speaking gibberish.)
SMG4: BUT! This next one is going to be so easy, even Mario could do it!
Crazy Taxi[]
SMG4: Mr. Toadsworth need a ride to his retirement home! Whoever delivers him to the retirement home, WINS!
SMG4: Annnnd.... begin!
(All of the racers then crash into Toadsworth and try to take him. Toadsworth lands in a parking lot and is taken by Toad.)
Toadsworth: Oh no!
[Toad has the 🍄]
Toad: *laugh*
(Bowser suddenly crashes onto him, takes Toadsworth.)
[Bowser has the 🍄]
Bowser: *laugh*
(Peach watches Bowser get away with Toadsworth, and then makes a phone call to a local hitman.)
Peach: FUCK EM UP!
(The Hitman snipes Bowser as he drives by.)
Bowser: *laughs and then yells*
[Peach has the 🍄]
Peach: (Takes Toadsworth) *Singing Swiggity Swooty* SWIIGY SWWOOTY COMMING FOR THE BOOT AY!
(Toad sees Waluigi and Luigi driving by)
Luigi and Waluigi: *both laughing*
Toad: OH HELL NO!
(Toad then goes to a garage and upgrades his kart to a monster truck.)
Toad: *singing Boyz-N-Tha Hood by Eazy-E*
Cruisin' down the street in my '64
Jockin' the bitches, slappin' the hoes
A car pulls up, who can it be?
A fresh El Camino rolling Kilo G
He rolls down his window and he started to say
It's all about making that G.T.A.
(He then catches up with Peach and blows her kart up with a Bob-omb before taking Toadsworth.)
Peach: *screaming*
[Toad has the 🍄]
(Waluigi soon catches up to Toad, but so does Wario, Luigi, and Fishy Boopkins. As the four of them drive side by side trying to catch up to Toad.)
Waluigi: Oh Yeah! WALUIGI TIME!
Wario: WARIO TIME!
Luigi: LUIGI TIME!
Fishy Boopkins: FISHY BOOPKINS TIME!
(Toad crashes into two people while Waluigi, Wario and Luigi pursuit after him.)
Fishy Boopkins: Ahh nooo! (Fishy Boopkins crashes into a police officer's table, ruining the cop's doughnut. This led a entire police squadron perusing after them.)
Toad: *yelling as he gets a Five Star Wanted level*
(The police open fire at Luigi, causing him to crash)
Luigi: *screaming* MARIO! HELP HELP!
(Mario is busy crashing his kart into random people while badly singing the Burger King song)
Toad: I'M GONNA DELIVER YOU GODDANGIT!
(Waluigi catches up to Toad)
Waluigi: Wahahaha! Time for Waluigi! (presses a button to eject his kart up into the air, leading to it landing on Toad's windshield) Hello!
Toad: *screaming*
[Waluigi has the 🍄]
Waluigi: Hehehe! I got it! (takes Toadsworth)
Toad: No! (takes back Toadsworth)
[Toad has the 🍄]
(The two fight over Toadsworth while they yell, and before they crash into a dead end, losing Toadsworth as he is sent flying)
[Toad/Waluigi has the 🍄]
Police: STAHP RIGHT THERE! (x5)
Wario: (Toadsworth lands on the back of his kart) *laughs*
[Wario has the 🍄]
(While driving by a lake, Joe Boopkins appears, getting Wario's attention)
Fishy Boopkins: Hey Wario! This here is my dad! (to Joe) Dad, Wario's being mean to me last night! Can you do something?
Wario: I'm backin' up, backin' up, backin' up, backin' up.
(Joe swings his tentacle at Wario, causing him to be sent flying into the air, and for Toadsworth to crash into the retirement home)
Wario: *screaming*
Old Man Hobo: Wah? Who's there?
SMG4: Wow, it was close! But...we finally have a winner!
SMG4: (drumroll) And that winner is... ME! Cause all of you suck donkey ass!
SMG4: (to Wario) F**k you! (to Waluigi and Toad, who get caught by the police) F**k you! (to Bowser and Peach) F**k you! (to Fishy Boopkins and Joe) You cool! Now f**k you, I'm out!
(While Ultimate plays, SMG4 swaggly leaves, before Mario rams him with his kart)
SMG4: *screams*
Mario: F**k you!