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This is the transcript for R64: Stupid Mario Party.
Transcript[]
(R64 intro.)
(Mario, Luigi, Peach, Yoshi, and Toad are outside.)
It's Mario and his good friends... but it looks like something's wrong. What could it possibly be?
Toad: Alright bishes, i've gathered you all up cause i need to make some cash money.
Peach: You made me stop protecting our kingdom for this!?
Mario: Can I have some money now?
Toad: yes well i found some weirdos willing to pay for you guys to bash each other and other crap. and just so the cops don't find out, i call this scheme...
Mario Party (Totally not illegal)
Yoshi: I want to die.
Toad: See, even Yoshi likes the idea! Also, the person who makes the most money gets this! (He flashes a Star to them. Mario is amazed.)
Mario: WOOOAAAHHH!
Toad: This star is pretty fricken useless but hey it's shiny!
Mario: IIIII NEEEEED IIIIIIIT! (He tries to grab the Star but Toad gets out of the way.)
Toad: You gotta make some dough first! Letsa gooo!
(They all go down the pipe.)
Yoshi: I want to die.
(They arrive at their destination: a race course.)
Toad: alright, koopa here will explain the rules.
(Koopa starts spouting gibberish, but the general idea is shown: the quartet will ride in the Koopa Clown Car. They will roll a dice block and move the number of spaces indicated on the dice. Depending on what space they land on, they will either gain or lose coins, or an event will take place. Afterwards, a minigame will occur, where the winner will get more coins.)
Mario: ...Oh, I guess that makes sense.
Luigi: WHAAAAT?!?!?!
Toad: JUST GET IN THE FREAKIN' CAR!
(Toad shoots down a Lakitu and steals his cloud.)
Toad: Let's make Toad some money! :D
(The first dice block is rolled, which lands on a three. The car moves onto a blue space, which nets them three coins.)
Kermit: TIME FOR A MINIGAME, ASSWIPE! It's time for a game where you can win coins! :D
Mario: YAAAAAAAY!
Peach: And what kind of game are we talking about?
Kermit: Smash each other with these crowbars! :D Last one standing wins! (He throws the crowbars.)
Peach: What!? That's insane! No one would do that- (Mario whacks her with a crowbar. He starts happily humming while going completely nuts.)
Yoshi: Oh my god! (Gets smacked.)
Luigi: Please-a don't hurt me! (Gets smacked.)
Kermit: Mario wins! :DD
(Mario celebrates while coins rain down on him.)
Toad: YEAH! LOOK AT ALL MEH MONIES! Uhh I mean, Mario is winning! I'm so proud!
Mario: Yeaaah! (He rolls the dice block, which lands on a two. They stop on a red space, thus losing three coins.)
Mario: WOAAAH! Oh no...!
Toad: (In Mario's face.) You stupid bitch...
Kermit: (Pops up.) Who's ready for another minigame!? :D
Peach NOOOOOO!
(Fade out. The group lands on a stone circle surrounded by lava.)
Kermit: Alright, all you have to do in this minigame is just chill.
Peach: (Alright! Not bad!) That doesn't sound too bad!
Kermit: ...chill while I try and murder you guys! :D Yaaay!
Peach: ...Shit!
Kermit: (Starts firing like a madman.) I love murder, I love killing, I love murder!
(Everyone but Yoshi starts panicking and running around.)
Yoshi: My body is ready!
Mario: Luigi! Want to become an umbrella for your bro? :D (He picks Luigi up without giving him time to answer. He runs until he notices Luigi has become a skeleton.) Mama f*cker! (He goes to Peach.) Eyy Peachy, Wanna be Mario's umbrella?... (She responds by throwing herself in the lava.) Wow, what an asshole! (Kermit appears and fires at him, thus ending the game.)
Kermit: Yoshi wins! (Money rains upon Yoshi.)
Yoshi: But I wanna die!
(The dice block lands on a four. The group lands on a Happening Space.)
Luigi: Wahh? Green space? What does that mean?
Toad: IT MEANS YOU'RE ALL SCREWED!
(An army holding bombs arrive.)
Mario: Whaaat the fuuuu-?
Army: (Rushes towards them.) YOLOOOOOOOOOO!
(The quartet panics.)
Mario: Alright, i have an idea! But you HAVE to listen carefully!!!
(Everyone agrees with him.)
Mario: (Rapid fire talking.) You go get some sausage. Imma go get some spaghetti.
(Yoshi keeps nodding.)
Luigi: Huh?
Peach: What the fuck are you talking abo-
Mario: ...and you gotta chase me with the pizza! Of course, you're gonna eat the pizza. (Notices the army has surrounded them.) Oh shit! (All the bombs go off which sends them flying towards Kermit, who is sitting on a chair reading a paper.)
Kermit: Oh boy! Is it that time of the day again? :D
(Fade out. Enter Shy Guy.)
Shy Guy: YEAH TOAST!
Kermit: In this game, just copy what the shy guy does with his toast!
(Shy Guy raises the burnt toast first. All of them follow suit... Except for Mario, who is happily eating his. Shy Guy makes a Gourmet Guy fall on top of Mario. Shy Guy raises the clean toast, as does Luigi. He again raises the burnt toast, with Yoshi doing the same. He raises both toasts, but quickly makes the clean one the only one to copy, completely throwing Peach off, who raised the burnt one.)
Peach: (Running towards him.) YOU SON OF A BITCH! (She gets crushed by Gourmet Guy.)
Shy Guy: It's high TOAST...!
(The moment arrives. Between Luigi and Yoshi, only one will come out victorious. Shy Guy pulls out one final challenge... By rapidly swinging both toasts alternatively.)
Luigi: What the fuck?! WHAAAT?!
(Yoshi's head explodes. Luigi raises the clean toast, but Shy Guy is shown to have raised the burnt one. both Luigi and Yoshi get squished.)
Toad: (STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!) You idiots! Couldn't even get one coin! How can you even lose this?! (Back on the board.) You better start getting more money quick!!!
Mario: Fine! (He rolls the dice block, which lands on a two. The car stops at a bank.)
Toad: OOOOOH NOOOOOOOO!
Mario: What? What's so bad about a bank?
Koopa: (Wide-eyed.) Moneeey...! (He eats Mario's head clean off, resulting in a loss of five coins.)
Mario: Well that was a load of shit.
Toad: Now you're losing money!??!!? YOU'RE KILLING ME GUYS!!!
Luigi: I'll make it up to you, Toad! (He rolls the dice block, which lands on a six. The car lands on a Bowser space.)
Bowser: (Appears.) Who's ready to lose some money!???
Toad: FUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
(The select window is up. There are four choices. Either...
1: Death
2: Bowser Minigame
3: Lose all coins!
or 4: Bowser becomes ur pimp
The hand lands on "Bowser Minigame". It fades out.)
Bowser: Alright listen up, losers. Rules are simple. Copy the face that i make with these sexy bowser faces. Any faces i don't like, i'll take all your money!
Luigi: Oh no...
Bowser: (Makes the face.) GO!
(A panicky Luigi starts to make the face, but Mario just plays with his.)
Mario: (Moving the face's lips.) Hello! It's-a me, gay Bowser!
Yoshi: PERFECT! Looks exactly like Bowser. Ugly af.
Bowser: Bitch, I'm fabulous!
Mario: This isn't good enough. I need something more accurate! (He goes to make the real Bowser a new face.) Tada! (Bowser punches him.)
Bowser: Alright, time up! Let's see who isn't a loser!
(Drum roll...)
Bowser: Peach! Cause shes my bae ;D
Peach: Oh, yay for me!
Mario: This is bullshit! (Bowser breathes fire on him.)
Toad: HOW COULD YOU LOSE ALL OF MY MONEY??? Just for that... I'M EXTENDING THIS GAME BY 5000 MINIGAMES!
Luigi: NO GOD! NO GOD PLEASE NO!!!
Kermit: Hey (Kids), do you know what time it is???
Luigi: It's time to STOP!
(Montage time. Minigames include...
Bumper Balls: Where Mario pushes Luigi and his ball into lava.
Crazy Cutter: Where Luigi, Peach, and Yoshi are trying to cut an outline of a Cheep Cheep, while Mario just draws a penis.
A minigame similar to Bowl Over: Yoshi knocks down the Mario pin.
Filet Relay: Mario, dressed as a penguin, walks with fish.
Bobsled Run: Mario and Luigi try to push Peach and Yoshi off the track but they fall instead.
Bash 'n Cash: Luigi, dressed as Bowser, gets pummeled by the others.
Mario Bandstand: Mario is conducting while a horrible cover of Smells Like Teen Spirit plays.
Mushroom Mix-Up: Mario shouts "FUCK YOU!" at Toad, but falls into the water below.
Finally, a game similar to Move to the Music: Mario makes dance moves while the others copy him. He suddenly gets to determined and makes tons of dance moves so the others can't understand what he's doing. All the while, Toad is making more and more money.
After a long time passes, it is now the final turn.)
Toad: Yay! You guys are almost done making me money! Just roll the dice!
Luigi: (Tired out.) Oh man... It's been 3 weeks, please let us go home...
Mario: I'm not going home till I get that shiny star!! (He rolls the dice, which lands on a two. The car lands on a Chance Time space.)
Peach: Huh? What does that mean?
Toad: It means everything you worked for was all for nothing!!!
(Fade out.)
Toad: Welcome to Chance Time! Where you can lose everything! Koopa, care to explain the rules?
Koopa: In DOTA, basically you pick one character, OK? And then you level them up, OK? It could be the panda, ok, and then-
Toad: Alright, get outta here. Let's see what happens!!
(The moment of anticipation arrives. The four of them anxiously await the results... Mario, Peach, and Yoshi, give all their coins their coins to Luigi.)
Mario: WHA-WHAAAT!?
Toad: Congrats! Luigi gets everyones money... Which means Luigi wins by doing absolutely nothing!
Luigi: Uhh...yay?
(Mario rages and explodes.)
Toad: Let me bestow upon you the star!!!
(A fake star comes down.)
Toad: Well have fun with that. I'm going to go count my money.
Luigi: Mama mia...
Mario: Wait a minute... WAIT A MINUTE! (He goes up to Toad.) Toad...Is that the same star you showed us before?
Toad; uhh... Of course!
(Mario doesn't buy it. Toad gives a thumbs up, but the next scene shows him hanging by his underwear on the castle flagpole.)
Toad: Uh... Somebody?
Mario: Who wants to go burn Toad's money?
(Everyone cheers. Kermit shows up next to Toad.)
Kermit: HA HA!
(Credits roll.)