This is the transcript of the Retarded64 blooper "The Toad, the Fat and the Ugly".
(Scene starts with standard Smg4 logo. When Smg4 is hit by PRODUCTIONS, Blue Toad pops up.)
Blue Toad: 360 no-scope!
(Scene starts with a Shy Guy crouching down and then dancing with a sign that says will dance for sum coins. Scene then switches to Mario walking with Toad. Mario is reading a note that says: buy me some NEW SHOES MERIO!-PECH. We then see a flashback of Parakarry flying to Mario's house.)
Parakarry: Wheeeeeeeeeeee. Hey you got mail faggot. You got mail. You got mail. You got mail. You got mail. You got mail...
Mario: (Goes up to mailbox) Wahoo! (Punches mailbox)
Peach: (Comes out of mailbox) Mario! Help me! Mario! Help me! Mario! Help me! Mario! Help me! Mario! Help me! I have a favour for you mario...if you know what i mean <3
(Peach shoots note at Mario. Flashback ends.)
Toad: HELP! MARIO!
Toad: i thought i'd tell you...i'm enjoying my time with you, buying the princess's stuff!
Mario: I don't give a fuck! (Mario is thrown against a wall) YAAAAA! Ow! Imma tired! Imma hungry!
Toad: BUT MARIO, IT'S YOUR DUTY!
Mario:I'm a goddamn plumber! Do you think I don't have a life?
Mario: F*ck you, Toad! (Runs away.) shoes…shoes…hmmm…(Looks at Scribblenauts shoe store) No! (Looks at Waluigi's FABULOUS SPARKLING SHOE STORE/Gay bar) No! (Looks at Scribblenauts Hobo) Yeah! Ha ha ha! heeyyy! uh…can i have your shoes? they are nice shoes…and i really don't want to spend money on crappy new ones!…
(Toad is talking to other toads.)
Toad: hey! wassup homie? (Toad ignores him.) ok…thats cool! (Another Toad walks by.) loving those spots bro! (Toad ignores him as well.) …FINE THEN! YOUR SPOTS WERE GAY ANYWAY! (Toadette walks in) Whoa! (??? Song plays in background, Toad stares at her ass.) Dammmmmmn! Oh Damn! Damn! Dammmmmmmmmmmn! (Shy Guy is still dancing, Toad jumps and knocks him off.) Bring me that ASS! (Approaches Toadette) Heyyyyyy! Baby!
Toadette: Yo! Heeheehee!
Toad: ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME! ME WANT TO DO SHAKALACALACALACALACA BOOM BOOM WITH YOU!
Toadette: What the FUCK? (Kicks Toad.)
(Scene cuts to Toad back where Shy Guy was standing.)
Toad: ok…maybe not a good idea…
(Mario is trying to take of the shoes of the screaming Scribblenauts hobo. Toad approaches.)
Toad: mario!! stop sucking that hobo's foot and help me!
(Hobo runs away screaming)
Mario: NOO! free shoes! come back!!! way to go toad! now i have to search again!!!
Toad: shut up and help me get a sexy toad!
Mario: oooOOO…is somebody in love?…you toads gonna mate? (Mario imagines a bunch of toads in a ball ramming against eachother.) WAH! AH! GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD!
Toad: if you help me get the booty…you can have my booty!
Mario: Whoa! No!
Toad: (Holds out spaghetti) alright! fine! you can have this!
Mario: HOLY SHIT! Yeah! Okey-dokey!
(Toadette is walking down the beach)
Toad: alright mario. just like we rehearsed!
Mario: (Drops down behind Toadette) Show me your boobs! (Toadette screams) Ooh! Oh boy! Look at that ASS! Imma gonna get you!
Toadette: Somebody stop that awful, awful man!
Toad: (Toad flies in.) Yeah! STOP BREAKIN THE LAW, ASSHOLE! (Runs into Mario)
Mario: ooh…umm ow…that hurt.
Toad: Ho ho ho! ??? (Kicks Mario's spaghetti into the mouth of Blubba)
Toadette: haha! my hero!!!!
Toad: DEFEATED NOW, BIOTCH?
Mario: YOU SON OF A BITCH!
(Toad Screams, Toadette runs away. Scene then moves to Toadette lying on a beach. Mario is with the frog suit on an island.)
Mario: This is bullshit! (Mario hops in and starts swimming towards Toadette. Meanwhile, Toad approaches her.)
Toad: hey…mind if i sit here?…
Toadette: oh! sure!
Mario: (Hopping across the bottom of the water) Okey-dokey! Let'sa go!
Toad: …want to see something cool?
(Mario appears from the water, holding a sign that says: I LOVE YOU! toadette!!)
Toadette: What is it? (Sees Mario) JESUS CHRIST! OH GOD! (Pulls out machine gun) KILL IT WITH FIRE!
Mario: OH FUCK!
(Toadette fires off 3 rounds.)
Toadette: sorry, you were saying?
(Toad slowly moves away. Scene cuts to Mario and Toad watching Toadette.)
Toad: come on mario! just this last time please!!!
(Mario is laid against a wall, bloody and torn. He sticks up his middle finger at Toad. The scene then cuts to Mario in a green and red Helicopter Yoshi.)
Mario: you owe me toad!!
(The helicopter moves along, letting out smoke behind it, spelling the words "I HEART YOU" Toad cheers, and Toadette looks up.)
Mario: now for the "toadette!!"
Toadette: What the fuck are you talking about?
Toadsworth: *gasps* Senpai's noticed me! Yes! Yes!
(Toad loads a gun and puts it to his head. Scene then changes to Toad walking with Mario and Mario's back bent so Mario faces toward the sky.)
Toad: sorry mario…about your broken spine…
Mario: ehh don't worry about it! the sky looks nice.
(Toadette walks up.)
Toadette: hey you!! you're that toad i keep seeing all day! …who are you??
Mario: he's toad number 232563465! you know him don't you?
Toadette: well all the toads here look the same…so i guess i know him? cmon. we can go get ice cream!
(Mario and Toad start dancing, with the words onscreen saying "MAKIN SOME LOVE TONIGHT!")
Toadette: oh. and meet my other friend frankie!
(A toad with glasses pops up.)
Frankie: HI THERE!
(Toad screams. The scene then shifts to Toadette with ice cream, Frankie, and a disgruntled-looking Toad are sitting on a bench.)
Frankie: (Singing) Ding, fries are done. Ding, fries are done. Ding, fries are done. Ding, fries are done. I gotta run. I gotta-
Toad: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Toadette: hah…look at you two getting along! i'm going to the bathroom, don't have fun without me!!!
Toad: COME HERE!
(Toad pins Frankie against a wall)
Toad: Don't act like I don't know what's going on! Keep your paws off my kool-aid! Understand?
Frankie: I like turtles!
Toad: I'll fucking fight you dog!
Toadette: wow! are you two hugging??
Toad: oh…yeah! me and frankie are really bonding!!!
Frankie: Yayyyyyy! I made a new friend!
(Mario rides up on a boat.)
Mario: Ha! Gayyyyyy! (Toad throws Rocks at him.) Oh, shit!
(Scene shifts to Sonic the Derphog's world. Toad and Toadette are sitting on the edge of a cliff.)
Toadette: wow…pretty isn't it?
Toad: listen…even though we just met…i need to tell you…i….i-
Frankie: (Pops up between the two) Hey guys! Hey guys!
Toad: GOD DAMMIT! THAT'S IT! DO YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?!
Frankie: we are outside :D
Toad: DON'T INTERRUPT YOU SON OF A BITCH!
Frankie: Are you stupid or something?
(A loud crash is heard, and Toad and Frankie are teleported to Bowser's Lair.)
Toad: i'll TEACH YOU!!
(Toad takes out some spaghetti and throws it into the mouth of a currently frozen Mario. He is sitting next to a sign that says: "insert spaghetti to continue." Mario activates.)
Mario: AHHHHHHAHAHAHA! It's time to kick ass and chew SPAGHETTI! And I'm all out of SPAGHETTI!
Frankie: (Holding cupcake) You have room for a muffin?
Mario: *gasps* Ahhhh! No!
(Toad and Mario run at Frankie)
Frankie: (Dancing) Ayyyyy, Macarena!
(Mario and Toad make contact with Frankie, screen goes white, loud explosion is heard.)
Mario: …did we get him???
Frankie: (Still alive) Wassup, BITCHES?!
(Toad and Mario scream)
Mario: dude…he isn't dead. WHY ISN'T HE DEAD!?
Toad: I DON'T KNOW MAN! I'M FREAKING OUT!
Mario: what if he's an invincible god…LOOK AT THOSE SOULESS EYES!
Frankie: (Holds out cupcake again) Who wants a muffin?
Mario: (Screams) hey wait! where's my…
Frankie: (Holding Mario's phone and dialing a number) i wanna call the ice cream mannnn!!!!!
Mario: Mama F*cker! Come on!
(Frankie apparently dials Peach, Peach drops down.)
Peach: you phoned me??
Mario: Holy torch tits!
Frankie: Aw, come on! i wanted the ice cream man! not a mom!
Mario: PRINCESS!…what a suprise…you didn't really need to come-
Peach: that reminds me, where's those shoes i sent you to buy?…
Mario: Whoa! Ahh, ahh! (Holds up his own shoes) I got it!
Frankie: who is this scary lady?
Mario: SHE'S A BITCH!
(Peach gets angry and inflates, attacking Mario and Toad. Mario and Toad scream. The scene then shifts back to Sonic the Derphog's world. Mario and Toad are lying on the ground, on fire. Toadette walks up.)
Toadette: umm…you okay toad???
Toad: I LOVE YOU MARIOOOO!
Mario: The fuck?
Toadette: eww! boys have cooties! love is gross!!! i'm 9 and i still hate this whole love thing!
Toad: YOU'RE 9???
Frankie: That's even better.
(Police car falls from the sky, Policeman comes out.)
Policeman: Stahp right there, pervert! (Shoves screaming Toad into police car) Okay, nothing to see here, move along!
Peach: and as for you, we're going shopping. TOGETHER!
Mario: Mama F*cker!
Peach: also, have you seen toadsworth?…
Mario: …no i haven't…
(Scene cuts to Toadsworth in what seems to be a shrine.)
Toadsworth: one day…i'll find him…and he'll notice me…
(There is a book with Senpai on the cover.)
End of episode