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This page is the transcript for SM64 Bloopers: Can Ganondorf come out to play?.
Script[]
Mario: Mama F***er! Mama F***er! Mama F***er! Mama F***er! Mama F***er! Stupid dude, calling the police on me when i just wanted to hump that sweet spaghetti...dammit! Now that's the 2135th restraining order today! Honey I'm home! Holy frick, Jesus what a day I've had! Hmm?
A note from an unknown person depicts a crudely drawn face along with: I have stolen yo gurl
Mario: FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
Cuts to scene in Bowser's castle, where the Koopa King and his minions exercises while Stayin' Alive plays
Bowser: and up and right and up and down! Let's go minions! Move those puny legs!
Mario crashes through the ceiling
Bowser: AAAAAAAAAHHHH! Uh, I can explain...
Mario: Heeeey bowser, what'ssss upppp...
Bowser: Oh i'm great! Just exercising. Oh yeah! I bought some new gucci flip flops
Mario: I DON'T GIVE A SHIIIIIIIIIIT! Can I have peach back?...
Bowser: peach? i was gonna show her my new flip flops today but i couldn't find her.
(Mario searches through various places to find Peach, which includes an empty room, Bowser's butt, a chest full of Peach dolls, and SMG3's bathtub.)
Mario: Bullshit! Princessss? Princessss? Princesss?
Old Man Hobo: Look! I'm Peach! Howdy Howdy Howdy!
Mario: Dammit! Who else could of stolen her?
SuperMarioGlitchy3: Rub a dub dub, three-
Mario: Princessss?
(SMG4 screams before exploding into a coin. Mario then boards one of Dr. Eggman's aircrafts.)
Mario: Princessss? You took the princess didn't you!
(Eggman responds by wearing a tiara and a ballerina tutu.)
Dr. Eggman: I am your princess :D
Mario: Uh BYE!
Eggman: I just wanted to be your friend!
Mario:WHERE IS PEAAAAAACH!
Luigi: MARIIIOOOO! Toadsworth says if we don't find peach, that's 50 spankings tonight!!! WAAAAHHH!
Mario: Well too bad we won't ever know who stole her!!!
Ganondorf walks by whistling with Peach being dragged along.
Mario: What-What the fuck?!
Ganondorf continues to whistle
Mario: Hey! Stop picking up chicks! That's my job!!! Heard of Mario-fu? Cause imma kick dat perky ass of yours!
Ganondorf shoots Mario
Mario: AHH HAUGH HAUGH! Ohhh....
Ganondorf: It is I Ganondorf Bitches and I am the god of the triforces. I am here to steal the Princess Zelda Woop Woop
Peach: I'm not this princess zimbo or zoldo!
Ganondorf: Shut up Zelda it's time to go through the world Woop Woop Woop Woop! Fuck the police coming straight from the underground!
Enters portal
Luigi: Mario!! He's getting away! What do we do??!
Mario: I AM A STEGOSAURUS! He's a magical pony flying through the sky...
Luigi: MAARIOOOOO!
Bowser: What!? Not my Peach! I will eat their souls!
All three of them enter the portal to Ganon's world
Luigi: Waaa! Ohh...Mama mia... maybe... we can go around the back or very politely ask-
Mario: YOLOOOOOOOO! (gets blown up by missile from a Stalfo while it laughs. Mario shortly respawns.)
Mario: Here we go again! DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN...
Ganondorf: Those fools won't ever make it in...Hah ha ha hah ha. Now it's time for serious business princess Zelda.
Peach: what are you going to do with me?
Ganondorf: Well if you must ask...We are gonna make babies.
Romantic music plays
Peach: NO GOD PLEASE NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ganondorf: Hah ha ha with my baby making machine that runs on princesses as fuel.
Peach: What the hell she say?
Dramatic music plays
Ganondorf: With my evil baby army I will take over the world and all will die from their cuteness ha ha ha.
Yelling from outside
Ganondorf: What the heck is that sound?
Bowser breaks open the window and ends up fighting Ganon
Ganondorf: My Jesus my asshole is burning up help rape rape rape
Peach: Troloolololololololo
Bowser: MY BABEH! SHE's MIIINE, IMMA GET HER FIRST!
Ganondorf: My fuel! Oh hell no she's mine bitch get out of the way move your bitch scale ass
Stalfo repeatedly blows up Mario while the red plumber continues to respawn.
Mario: Oh come on! Running in like an idiot usually works in bowsers castle!
Stalfo: You ain't gonna do shit! You ain't gonna do it! You ain't gonna do shit!
Gate falls down to block door
Mario: Hey Luigi! Here we go! LEEEROY!
Stalfo: Alalalalalalalalalalalalala-
Luigi: Aaaaaaaaaooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaa-
Begins to use Luigi as meatshield to block bullets
Mario: Oh yeah! good job bro! You should quit being a plumber and be a meatshield :D
Peach: AAAAAAH!
Bowser: COME BACK PLSSS
Ganondorf: I just want to make some babies
Peach: AAAAH! NOOOOOOO!
Bowser: hey peachy, come to papa!!
Ganondorf: Swiggity swooty, I'm coming for the booty
Peach: What do you freaks want with me?!
Ganondorf: Baby! Baby! Baby! Baby! Baby!
Bowser: Why make ugly goblin babies when you can make koopa babies!
Peach: NOOOOO GOD !NO GOD PLEASE NO! Ah!
Bowser and Ganondorf: OH SHITT!
Peach: WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
Ganondorf: Oh god what do we do?
Bowser: Um, Scream and Panic!
Ganondorf: Oh well time to go get another princess for the baby machine
Bowser: How about we just help pull her up!
Ganondorf: GAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY! Girls have cooties
Bowser: Oh shut up! I'm just going to heko her already!
Peach is suddenly revealed to have fallen from the building, dead.
Heavy Weapons Guy: You are ded. Not big surprise.
Meanwhile, in the sewers...
Mario: Well, it seems we are very lost, Luigi! :D
Luigi: M-mario, let's just go back and we can make toadsworth the new princess
Suddenly see Garo...dramatic music
Bob Bobowski: What's up? I'm Bob
Mario: Fuck im' up!
Bob: What Oh god my balls stop I'm friendly. Ouch my ovaries. Hello there. I am Bob, a wandering wizard of the sewers. What? Never seen a sexy wizard before?
Mario: Yeah...okie we're just going to leave now...
Bob: Wait Don't go I'm so lonely I haven't seen anyone for 500 years oh I Know I'll help you out of these sewers. Please? Please? Ple-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ease?
Mario: Fine!
Bob: Oh Yeah Oh Yeah Oh Yeah Oh Yeah Oh Yeah Oh Yeah!
Mario: We should have left peach behind...
Bowser and Ganon are trying to revive Peach through various means.
Bowser: Bandaid!
Ganondorf: Bandaid!
Bowser: Chainsaw!
Ganondorf: Chainsaw!
Bowser: Hot dog!
Ganondorf: Hot dog!
Clearly these don't work
Bowser: Welp...i tried everything. She's dead.
Ganondorf: No we must not give up I shall resurrect her! With my fairy powers I summon the death god!
Ganondorf summons lightning to try to resurrect her, only to make her corpse burning.
Ganondorf: Well that didn't work. Want to roast some marshmallows?
Back in the sewers...
Bob: Oh look finally! An exit.
Mario: Waha! Yiiippeee!
Realizes they're back where they came from
Mario: WE'RE BACK OUTSIDE?! I WANTED TO GO IN THE CASTLE!
Bob: Oopsies maybe my GPS is acting up sorry.
Luigi: Mama mia...
Mario: Oh what th- what the fuck?!
Sees Bowser and Ganon roasting marshmallows over Peach
Bowser: oh hey mario! Marshmallow?
Bob: Oh yay marshmallow!
Mario: Great! What's toadsworth going to think about Peach burnt like a potato.
Bob: I think he would find that delicious.
Ganondorf: Sorry loser but she's still going to be used in the baby machine
Mario: Oh hell no! no! I ain't getting no spankings from Toadsworth!
The Final Showdown from Mario + Luigi: BOwser's Inside Story plays
Mario: BOB! USE YOUR MAGIC ATTACK TO KILL HIM!
Bob: Yes! It's Bob's time to shine! Magical singing powers activate! I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt so sexy it hurts I'm too sexy for my car too sexy for my -
Ganondorf: What is this horrible singing?
Bob: - By far and I'm too sexy for my -
Ganondorf begins to spazz out from Bob's horrendous singing, and then explodes.
Mario: YEAH! I SAVED DA WORLD! :D
Bob: Actually that was my sexy singing that saved us.
Mario: Shut yo bitch ass up! Okie dokie! Bye bye! Lalala, hmhmhm!
Bob: Wait don't go I don't want to be lonely again! Can you at least add me on Facebook? How about Twitter or Instagram? Myspace? Dammit! Ah well they'll be back.
Turns to face Bowser
Bob: How about you? Let's be friends! Brofist!
Bowser punches Bob to the nearby castle wall, which ends the video.