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This page is the transcript for SM64 Guides: Toadsworth's How to - Princess.
Transcript[]
(The video begins with a shot of Peach's Castle at night. Cut to the inside of the castle, where Peach is standing alone)
Peach: Ahh, what a beautiful night. i got the whole castle to myself...you know what that means...
(Techno music starts playing, and Peach starts "dancing" – or rather, being tossed around spastically)
Peach: DO NON-PRINCESS STUFF!!!
(Toadsworth walks in)
Toadsworth: PRINCESS! what is the meaning of this?!
Peach: OH, F**K! DANG IT!
Toadsworth: princess! manners please! and please do up your hair!
Peach: Oh my f**king god...
Toadsworth: you know it's not safe to be alone!
Toadsworth: we're having guests soon! you must act like a princess! are you wanting to go through my lessons again?
(Cut to Peach talking to Bowser, the latter of which is in his Koopa Clown Car)
Peach: HURRY UP AND STEAL ME!!! (gets in the Koopa Clown Car) RUN, B*TCH! RUN!
(They fly offscreen)
Bowser: why do I have to do all the work. D:
Toadsworth: ...why does she always do that?
(Cut to black)
Text: toadsworth lessons to becoming a great princess!
Text: Eating...LIKE A PRINCESS (Toadsworth peeks out from the bottom of the screen)
(Toadsworth is standing in front of a dinner table)
Toadsworth: a princess is always polite around the table! princess! do you use a fork on your left or right hand?
Peach: Uuummmm...
Toadsworth: never mind. prove to me you can do this.
Peach: (giggles) Splendid!
(Peach opens her mouth, picks up a burger, and tries to eat it but fails miserably)
Peach: NOM NOM NOM... OM NOM...
(A Toad is thrown at Peach and knocks the burger out of her hand)
Toadsworth: (offscreen) NO! (then onscreen) princesses do NOT eat poor food! they eat the top notch classy food! peach, be a dear and pass me a classy mushroom
(Peach gives Toadsworth a Poison Mushroom. Toadsworth turns blue and starts having a seizure)
Toadsworth: PRINCES-ERK. WRO-NG MUSH-COUGHERRRK!!!
(Peach puts on some pointy sunglasses)
Peach: SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY!
(Cut to black)
Text: staying safe! ...LIKE A PRINCESS (Toadsworth peeks out from the bottom of the screen)
(Cut to Toadsworth outside of the castle)
Toadsworth: bowser is always trying to snatch you! that is why you must always play safe when outside!
Peach: how do you do that?
Toadsworth: well good question! let me show you!
(Toadsworth runs offscreen and comes back wearing a princess costume)
Toadsworth: oh...look at me! i'm princess toadsworth! :DDDD im just-a frolicking about like a perfect lady! :D oh yay, i always wanted to do this!
(Bowser swoops down in his Koopa Clown Car and kidnaps Toadsworth)
Bowser: i finally caught the princess :D
(Toadsworth peeks out of the car. Bowser screams and the Koopa Clown Car falls to the ground and explodes. Cut to black)
Text: conversation! ...LIKE A PRINCESS (Toadsworth peeks out from the bottom of the screen)
(Toadsworth is back inside the castle)
Toadsworth: a princess must have elegance in conversation! this is why i've invited someone to help you master it!
(Steve walks in with a prince outfit)
Prince Steve: HI GUYS!
Peach: Woah!
Toadsworth: this is royal prince steve! you two converse! i'm going to go back there and watch
(Toadsworth walks away. The lights dim, with a spotlight shining on Peach and Steve. "Sexy" music starts playing)
Peach: (giggles) umm... hi...
Prince Steve: ha, ha! pumpkins
Peach: Oh! *giggles*
(Cut to Toadsworth and Bowser watching the two. Bowser starts crying)
Bowser: OHHH, HO HOOO! WHYYYY!? (runs away)
(Cut to black)
Text: playing an instrument! ...LIKE A PRINCESS (Toadsworth peeks out from the bottom of the screen)
(Cut to Toadsworth)
Toadsworth: all princesses should have a musical talent to wow their followers! for instance! i can play the ol' guitar
(Toadsworth holds up an electric guitar and starts playing death metal, with the background flaming. The scene turns back to normal for the next line)
Toadsworth: how about you, princess? can you play an instrument!
Peach: Is mayonnaise an instrument?
Toadsworth: ummm...no
(Peach pauses for a moment, and then a light bulb appears above her head. Cut to Peach playing piano like Keyboard Cat)
Toadsworth: F**k this!
(Cut to black)
Text: cooking! ...LIKE A PRINCESS (Toadsworth peeks out from the bottom of the screen)
(Cut to Toadsworth in the kitchen)
Toadsworth: you must improve the quality of your cakes! papa toadsworth can teach you a few secrets!
(Mario appears behind Peach)
Mario: oohh! i can help too, right? right?!
Toadsworth: umm but master mario... i don't think you should...
Mario: what? you DID say you liked my cake i made!
(A cake on fire is in the background, with the text "mario's cake :D" under it)
Toadsworth: Um...
Toad: (looking at Mario's cake) What's this icky, paint-like, goop?
Other Toad: It's moving!
Toadsworth: Now, now, boys, don't touch that SH*T!
Mario: (to Toadsworth) I'm gonna f**king rip your f**king face off, you f**king s**t!
Toadsworth: Come at me, bro!
(Mario screams and charges at Toadsworth. The two start fighting)
Peach: Um, excuse me, but...
(The two Toads are eating Mario's cake. They start laughing when suddenly one of them grows a beard and the other one has Nicholas Cage on his spots. They both start screaming. Cut to black)
Text: SINGING! ...LIKE A PRINCESS (Toadsworth peeks out from the bottom of the screen)
(Cut to Toadsworth on the balcony)
Toadsworth: all princesses must know how to sing! haven't you seen disney movies?
Peach: but, i don't know if i can...
Toadsworth: Just try it! You'll be remarkable!
Peach: Oh, heh, okay, heheh...
(Cut to a shot of Peach facing away from the camera, looking from the balcony. Peach starts singing – pretty well, actually – in autotune. Several scenes and images fly across the screen as she does so)
Peach: MARIO! LUIGI! Let's go! Oh, sweet! NOOOO! Ha-CHA!
Toadsworth: BORING. come on princess you need to do better than that! here! let me take a shot at it!
Toadsworth: (starts singing with a childlike voice and beach music playing in the background) Peach! Princess Peach! Livin' large, on the beach! Peach! Peach! Princess Peach!
Someone offscreen: JUST SHUT THE F**K UP!
(Dogs start barking)
Toadsworth: Livin' large, likin' it hard, on the beach! That's Peach!
Toadsworth: (spoken) hoo! I might be a singer myself!
(Cut to black)
Text: getting stolen and saved...LIKE A PRINCESS (Toadsworth peeks out from the bottom of the screen)
(cut to Toadsworth and Peach back in the castle)
Toadsworth: when princesses are in trouble! they always call for the heroine! that's why you must get stolen in style! now if you'll excuse me, i need to find you a kidnapper.
(Toadsworth pulls out a cell phone and dials a number)
(Cut to Bowser's castle, where Bowser's phone is ringing and Bowser is still crying over the Steve incident. Bowser's Grandma peeks in through the door)
Bowser's Grandma: Yo, pick up the phone.
Bowser: SHUT UP, GRANDMA! (continues crying)
(Cut back to Toadsworth)
Toadsworth: stupid confound doohickey phone. never works. well looks like i have to do everything around here
[Cut to Peach and "Evil" Toadsworth(Which is Toadsworth whit a hat) in a desert]
Toadsworth: i am evil toadsworth! i have kidnapped you! (mario should be coming any second now)
(Cut to Peach tied to some train tracks in Kalimari Desert)
Peach: TOADSWORTH! THIS IS CRAZY!
Toadsworth: but it is what every damsel in distress must practice—i mean... MWHAHAHA! you'll never escape! oh, here's our monster now!
(Cut to an approaching Barrel Train. The Thomas the Tank Engine theme song starts playing. Peach screams. Cut to Mario crawling into the scene)
Mario: whoever told me to come in here better have a good reason!
Peach: AAH! MARIO! HELP ME!
Toadsworth: haha! i've taken your sweet princess mario! you'll never save her!
Mario: hey that's great! now where's the bathroom?
Toadsworth: ehhh...aren't you going to save her?
Mario: B*tch, do i look like i care? NO!
Toadsworth: but...you're suppose to save her!
Mario: B*tch, do i look like i ca-
(Mario is cut off by Peach's screaming. Mario decides to eat spaghetti while Luigi suddenly appears)
Luigi: WAH!
(The train, now sporting the face of a Thomas the Tank Engine character, is about to hit Peach)
Luigi: OOOOH, HO HO HO!!! (pushes Peach out of they way of the train) Oh ha ha ha! (starts dancing) Go Weegee! Go Weegee! Go Weeg- (gets hit by the train and screams)
Peach: AH! Thank you!
Luigi: Oh yeah! (Peach walks past Luigi) Wah?
Peach: Thank you Mario!
Mario: I DON'T CARE.
Luigi: Why does no one pay attention to Weegee?! (gets hit by another train and Thomas the tank engine theme plays again.)
(Cut to black)
Text: MORE PRINCESS STUFF! :D (Toadsworth peeks out from the bottom of the screen)
(Cut to Peach in the castle)
Peach: NOOOOOOOO!
NO! I've had enough of your crap toadsworth!
Toadsworth: princess! manners!
Peach: this is exactly why! you're not my dad!
Toadsworth: OH REALLY?! (puts on sunglasses) B*TCH,
Toadsworth: (singing and dancing) I'M NOT YO DADDY, I'M YO GRANDPA! I'M NOT YO DADDY, I'M YO GRANDPA! I'M NOT YO DADDY, I'M YO GRANDPA! (starts dancing on Peach's face) I'M NOT YO DADDY, I-
(Peach throws Toadsworth out the window)
Toadsworth: oh the princess never learns! (dons princess outfit) i'll just be the princess then :D I am the princess! GO PEACH!
(Bowser swoops down and kidnaps Toadsworth)
Bowser: GOTCHYA B*TCH! PRINCESS! YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE ME! AND WE'RE GOING TO MAKE SWEET LOVE TONIGHT!
Toadsworth: i'm in!
(The song "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" from "The Lion King" starts playing as Bowser and Toadsworth slowly fly out into the night)
End of Transcript