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This page is the transcript for SMG4: If Mario was in... Baldi's Basics.
Script[]
(Start Blooper)
*We arrive at School 4 dummies where we hear Jeeves screaming at someone"
Jeeves: You are impossible! IMPOSSIBLE!
*SMG4 walks up to Jeeves*
SMG4: What's wrong Jeeves?
Jeeves: It's . . . it's . . . THAT BAFOON!
*Jeeves points to Mario, who turns around and says hello to SMG4 and Jeeves*
SMG4: Didn't go so well I'm guessing?
Jeeves: NO! It's impossible to teach that nincompoop anything!!! I . . . QUIT!!!
*Jeeves then leaves while kicking a TV on his way out*
*Mario walks up to SMG4*
Mario: I guess Mario was too smart for him.
SMG4: Dammit Mario!, this is the 5th teacher to quit on us today!
Mario: Why does Mario have to learn math anyway? I already have a 200 IQ.
SMG4: Mario . . .
(Start flashback)
*The Mushroom Kingdom castle*
SMG4: You gave the pizza man $300,000 last week because you can't count!
*Mario looks over very large pile of money bags*
*He then starts throwing several money bags at Kermit the Frog, knocking him out*
(End flashback)
*Back at School 4 dummies*
Mario: Wait . . . that wasn't 5 bucks?
SMG4: *sigh* You really need an education. Ugh, I guess you leave me no choice!
*SMG4 pulls out the Yellow Pages: 1999 edition*
*He flips to a page that advertises Baldi's Basics in Education and Learning*
SMG4: I'm gonna need the best teacher in all of history!
*We cut to a phone booth, which starts to ring. Baldi's hand reaches to pick up the phone*
SMG4: Yes. Is that Baldi? I need your help. Someone needs to learn their basics!
*We cut back to the hallway of the school, where we see the school bell*
Bell: FUCKING RING RING RING!
*We alternate between Mario asleep with a book over his eyes and Baldi walking down the hallway towards the classroom*
*The book falls off Mario, who then wakes up and looks up in surprise*
Baldi: Oh, hi. Welcome to my schoolhouse.
Mario: Uh . . . Did somebody leave their hobo here!!!?
Baldi: Now it's time for everybody's favorite subject: Math.
Mario: Oh. No thank you, Mr. Bald Hobo. Mario already knows his maths!
*Baldi looks at Mario expressionless, then slams a clipboard on the desk*
Baldi: Answer the three questions correctly, and you might get something *in slow motion* speeeeciaaaaal.
Mario: . . . ok.
Baldi: Problem 1: 8+2
Mario: Haha! That's-a easy for me. 21.
*Baldi looks at Mario expressionless, then slaps Mario across the room*
Mario: HEY, WHAT THE FUCK!?
Baldi: Problem 2: 0-9
*while Baldi says this, he spins around on the floor with his hands in the air*
Mario: Oh you got-a Mario thinking now. *ding noise* 1.
*Baldi looks at Mario expressionless and takes a step forward*
*Assuming he was right, Mario starts to celebrate*
Mario: I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!
Baldi: WRONG!!!
*He launches the table at Mario, hitting him*
*Baldi stares at Mario for a moment*
Baldi: Problem 3: *snaps neck* *garbled nonsense*
Mario: Hmmmm... I got it! oooooo*reels middle finger at Baldi like a fishing rod, flipping him off* Oh boy, look at that. Mario getting good at this game.
*Baldi's eyebrows slowly furrow and frowns at Mario, then goes to his desk to get his ruler*
*He starts to smack his ruler*
Baldi: IIIIIIIIIIIIIII'm about to whip somebody's ass!
*Mario screams in terror, then runs out the classroom*
*Baldi looks out the door*
Baldi: I can't believe it! You're fucked! You're just fucked!
*Mario runs down the hallway, screaming in terror*
Mario: SMG4!!!? YOUR CRAZY ASS TEACHER WANTS MARIO'S ASS!!!
*Mario approaches a door*
Mario: Ah crap . . . uhh . . . Aha!
*Mario opens the door*
*Baldi hears it, smacks his ruler really fast, then approaches Mario*
Baldi: Like a somebooooody.
Mario: *scream* Please dont-a hurt-a me desu-ka!!!!
*Baldi approaches Mario slowly. Very, very slowly*
Baldi: I'm gonna kick your ass, m'kay?
Mario: *stares* Uh . . . bye! Dumbass motherfucker. *runs down hallway*
Baldi: SHIT!!!
*Mario looks back at Baldi while running and starts to celebrate*
Playtime: WOW! THAT'S GREAT!
*Mario slows down, then trips over himself*
Playtime: I WANNA PLAY WITH SOMEONE!
Mario: *Worrying wails* NO! Ain't nobody got time for that!
Playtime: *looks at Mario for a second* YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT!!!
*Mario's head shrinks in surprise*
Mario: . . . okeydokey.
*Mario starts to jump rope with Playtime*
Playtime: WOW! LET'S PLAY AGAIN!
Mario: Mama fucker!
*Baldi walks down the hallway*
Baldi: *grunts* Where is that juicy boi?
*Baldi turns to see Mario and Playtime jump roping*
*Mario sees Baldi and trips over the jump rope*
Playtime: OOPS! YOU MESSED UP!
*Baldi starts to approach Mario and Playtime*
*Mario begins to panic*
Playtime: LET'S TRY AGAIN! FROM THE TOP! READY!?
*Playtime swings the jump rope, but Mario doesn't jump. She tries again, but he still doesn't jump*
Playtime: JUMP! JUMP!! DO IT YOU BITCH, DO IT!!
*Mario angrily turns to Playtime*
Mario: How about you suck Mario's pingas!
*Mario grabs Playtime's jump rope* Ha-ha! *swings the rope which makes Playtime go in the air*
Playtime: Ah!
*Playtime begins to scream in terror as Mario swings her around in the air while Baldi stands there and watches*
Mario: Whee!
*Mario finally flings Playtime down the hallway*
Mario: So long, a-Bowser!
*Baldi steps to the side as Playtime screams and flies across the hallway. She ends up hitting a trash bin, emptying its contents*
*Baldi looks at this in terror, as he knows what will happen next*
Baldi: Oh, shit...
*A mystery person is heard saying, "Hey, hey, hey...!" as he approaches the hallway*
*The person steps onto the hallway, revealing himself as Yoda, wearing a hat*
Mario: Yoda!? You work here?
*Yoda looks at Mario and Baldi for a moment, then pulls out a giant broom*
Yoda: *in Gotta Sweep's voice*: LOOKS LIKE IT'S SWEEPIN' TIIIIIIIMME! GOTTA SWEEP, SWEEP, SWEEP! (x9001)
*Yoda approaches Mario and Baldi as both are frozen in terror*
*Mario then goes to hide next to a vending machine on the wall*
*Yoda recklessly hits Baldi with the broom sweeping him away, screaming in terror*
*Mario starts to celebrate, but is then approached by the Principal of a Thing*
Principal: No being Italian in the halls!
*The Principal grabs Mario and takes him to detention*
Principal: Your parents will hear about this one.
*The Principal throws Mario into the room*
Principal: Detention for you. You should know better.
*The Principal leaves the room*
Mario: Man . . . this school is a coo coo crazy.
*Mario tries to open the door, but it's locked*
*He then tries to break a window, but to no avail*
Mario: Hey!
Mario: Dammit! They can't stop me from escaping!!!
*Mario sees a slightly open window. He looks through it to see It's a Bully*
Mario: Hey, can you open the door? Mario needs to get out of here!
Bully: Give me something *echos* G R E A T.
Mario: *in agreement* Mmm-hmm!
*Baldi, who's been freed from Yoda's broom, then appears down the hallway*
Mario: YEOW! HOLY SHIT!!
*Mario looks desperately across the classroom, looking for something to give to The Bully*
*He finds an apple and gives it to him*
Mario: Please have-
Bully: What? I don't want that!
Mario: *worried wails* Here, take my clothes! *Strips naked and gives clothes to The Bully*
Bully: I don't want that! *Flings clothes back at Mario* I'm very hungry! Give me candy!
*Mario looks around the room panting, until he finds a wad of gum under a desk*
*He slides towards the gum, grabs it and gives it to The Bully*
Bully: Thank you so much, you piece of shit!
*The Bully eats the gum, spins around, and dies of contamination*
*Mario worriedly tries the door again, but it's still locked*
*He starts to shake in fear, freaking out in the corner of the room*
*Baldi flies in through the window* Heh-heh-heeeeeeeh!
*Mario screams in terror and starts running around the room*
Mario: Somebody help! I… I won’t live to see my baby Marios!
*Mario crawls under a desk and finds Arts and Crafters underneath*
Mario: What are you doing? What's going on here?
Arts and Crafters: *garbled nonsense*
*Mario thinks for a moment, then picks up Arts and Crafters*
Mario: Take this! *throws Arts and Crafters at Baldi*
*Arts and Crafters flies through the air screaming*
*He hits Baldi, but does nothing to deter him*
*Baldi continues to pursue Mario*
Mario: D'oh! Game over! Hmmmm . . .
*Mario looks on the desk and finds another ruler*
Mario: WHOOOOOAAAAAAAAAA! *grabs ruler* Touch! HERE WE GO!!
*Mario faces Baldi with ruler in hand, ready for a ruler-wielding battle*
*They start to fight*
*Baldi knocks Mario aside*
Baldi: I'm gonna give you five across the ass!
Mario: No! Take this! *punches Baldi in the face* *laughs*
Baldi: *face starts to reform* You fucking son of a bitch... YOUR GETTIN' SEVEN ACROSS THE ASS!!!
*Baldi knocks Mario through the door and into a vending machine*
Baldi: Your gonna wish your motha wasn't scared of me!
Mario: Mama mia
*Mario looks at vending machine, then hits it*
*The machine releases a soda that apparently tastes like dicks*
Mario: Here we go! *opens soda* *laughs*
*The soda sprays into Baldi's eyes*
Baldi: MY EYES! AAHHH!!! *flies away*
Mario: Take that, BITCH!
*Mario runs down the hallway*
*Baldi exits the room*
Baldi: So help me god, I will slap you in the face so hard!
*Baldi hears Mario in a bathroom, freaking out*
Baldi: So help me god!
*Baldi approaches the door*
Baldi: Shut your mouth . . .
*Baldi opens the door*
Baldi: . . . I'LL SHUT IT FOR YA!
*Baldi finds a tape recorder on the floor with Mario's recording playing*
Mario: Oh, no. *rewind* Mama mia. *rewind* Hey Baldi, f**k you! *end tape*
Baldi: GODDAMMIT!!
*Baldi turns around to see Mario running towards the exit*
Mario: OH! THERE IT IS!!!
*Before Mario reaches the exit, Baldi gets ready to chase after him*
*He uses his Quick Maths ability to run at super sonic speed*
*Mario screams in terror as Baldi runs him over and slams him into the ground*
*Baldi looks over Mario, getting ready to strike*
*Mario starts to panic*
*He tries to think of something to get out of this*
Mario: UHHH . . . 3+2=5?! . . . . . .
*Baldi looks at him for a moment and smiles*
Baldi: Ha-ha! You got it! Great job! You did great!
*Baldi hands Mario a ribbon that says You Pass*
*Baldi waves at Mario*
Baldi: You're incredible. Later.
*Baldi leaves*
*SMG4 walks up to Mario, who is still on the ground in shock*
SMG4: Wow! . . . Looks like it worked! Do you feel smarter, Mario?
*Mario could only muster up one response*
Mario: NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO . . .
(End Blooper)