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This is the transcript for SMG4: Mario Is Fine.
Scene 1[]
(At Mario's Pizzeria, customers are gathered to see a new item has been put on the menu: Pizza with spaghetti. A tearful Mario is serving pizza alongside his most treasured food. As he tries to have one final sorrowful goodbye to a plate of spaghetti, a Koopa snatches it out of his hands, making him feel worse. Not even money can cheer him up.)
Mario: Can this day get any worse??
Luigi: Hey, Mario! Can I have some spaghetti pizza, please?
(Mario turns to see Luigi across the counter. And now his day just got worse.)
Luigi: Looks like your new pizza recipe is a big hit! I'm so proud of you!
(Mario has finally hit his breaking point.)
Mario: LUIIIIIIIGIIIIIIIII!!!!!
(Mario yells so loud, Luigi's skin tears off, leaving his skeleton.)
Mario: I THOUGHT RUNNING A PIZZA STORE WOULD JUST MEAN I GET TO EAT PIZZA ALL DAY!! I DIDN'T THINK IT'D JUST BE WORK... And giving away my children...! (He curls up on the ground and starts crying more.)
Luigi: Well... Yeah. (Luigi's skeleton picks his skin up and puts it back on.) Running a business is hard work. Trust me. I know from running my flower shop. It'll be like this for the next day. And the next day... And the next day... And the next day... (Mario seems to not enjoy running a simple business for the remainder of his life...) And the next day... And the next day... And the next day... And the next day... And the next day... So... Can I get my order?
(Mario finally flies off the handle. He throws his clothes at Luigi, tosses his chef's hat in the air, and runs off. The chef hat lands on Luigi's head.)
Mr. Blizzard: HEY!! WHERE'S OUR PIZZA!?!
Koopa: YEAH, I'VE BEEN WAITING FOREVER!!
Luigi: Uh, sorry, I don't work here...
Monty Mole: WHAT!?! BUT YOU GOT THE CHEF HAT!!
Goomba: HE'S KEEPING THE PIZZA TO HIMSELF!!
Cataquack: KILL HIM!!
(The rabble gang up on Luigi and beat him up while Mario runs onto the couch to cry... And take a nap.)
(Meanwhile, SMG4 is using a metal detector.)
SMG4: La la la, looking for memes...
(He eventually comes across Luigi, whom the irate mob has tied up with plans to burn at the stake.)
SMG4: Let me guess... Mario?
Luigi: SMG4, HEEEEEEEEELP!!! WE NEED TO GET MARIO BACK HERE, OR THESE PEOPLE ARE GONNA HURT MEEEEEEEEE!!
SMG4: (Sighs) Okay, I'll be right back. (He leaves.)
Luigi: (To the mob) You hear that?? SMG4 will come back with Mario right away! Your pizza will be here in no time!
(Not buying this promise, the crowd light the stake on fire as Luigi screams.)
Scene 2[]
(SMG4 goes over to find Mario napping on the sofa.)
SMG4: Alright, Mario, what's happening?
Mario: (Dreaming) Mmm... Ass... (He continues his slumber. SMG4 angrily shakes him by the shirt collar in an attempt to wake him up.)
SMG4: Oi, Mario! You have a shop to run!
Mario: (Finally waking up) Mario doesn't want to...
SMG4: What do you mean you don't want to? You built the damn thing! Now run it!
(Mario, still refusing, continues his nap. SMG4 looks over to see Luigi is now being hung by his right foot to a street light.)
SMG4: Alright. You leave me no choice!!
(SMG4 begins to use the power of memes, to Mario's confusion, to... summon SMG3.)
SMG3: (Runs over) WHERE?! WHERE?!
SMG4: SMG3, I need your help with Mario. He's going through a midlife crisis.
SMG3: So... Your telling me... Jack Black! ISN'T doing a signing here?
SMG4: Nope! Sorry. Just a friend in need.
SMG3: (Sighs in frustration) OK. Fine! Let's get this over with...
(Cue transition...)
Scene 3[]
LAZY FAT ITALIAN MAN GONE WILD
He started his own pizza shop, but didn't realize it involved ACTUAL LABOR. So, he had a mental breakdown, and is now a lazy loser. Such a STUPID, LAZY, DUMB, UGLY, STINKY-
Mario: Hey!
Today, Dr. SMG3 is gonna fix him! Go watch...
DOCTOR SMG3
(The audience applauds.)
Dr. SMG3: Alright, Mario. What's up?
Mario: Well... It all started when Mario was just a baby...
(Flashbacks commence. Baby Mario is playing with a plate of spaghetti in a sandbox.)
Miyamoto: COME ON, MARIO! YOU GOT A PRINCESS TO SAVE! HERE'S A YOSHI! (He throws Yoshi at Baby Mario.) COME ON! GET TO WORK!
Mario (VO): Since I was a kid... I've always had to work. Mario never had time for himself. And as he got older, he was given just more and more work...
SMG4 (VO): (Interrupts) WHAT!? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!? You've NEVER worked!
Dr. SMG3 (VO): SMG4, let Mario talk. This is his time.
Mario (VO): Yeah! You big monkey!
Dr. SMG3 (VO): Hehe. Monkey.
Mario (VO): So finally, Mario thought getting a pizza shop, something for himself, would make it all better. But it's not!
(Flashbacks end.)
Mario: It's just more work!
Dr. SMG3: Yeah... So you have commitment issues.
Mario: What?!
Dr. SMG3: You don't like being locked into anything.
Mario: (Thinks) Hmm... WOAH!! You're... You're right!! Mario's a... FREE SOUUUUUUL! (He's lifted into the air via a Heavenly beam.)
Dr. SMG3: Great! Well, my job here is done!
(He claps twice, and the set vanishes.)
SMG3: That'll be $999,000. My intern, Eggdog, will hit you up with an invoice. (He leaves.)
Scene 4[]
(As he walks, he bumps into Meggy.)
SMG3: What the?! How'd you get here?
Meggy: I overheard your Dr. Phil parody and wanted to help!
SMG4: (To Mario) If you don't like the pizza shop, why not just close it down?
Meggy: NO! That's not the spirit at all, SMG4! Mario's commitment issues will NEVER be resolved if he just gives up!
SMG4: Meggy... I've known Mario for a looonngg time... Perhaps too long... He's never going to change. What CAN we do?!
(Meggy ponders, then gets an idea. She pulls out a Morpher.)
Meggy: It's morphin' time! Coach Meggy! (She morphs into her coach uniform.) TIME TO MOTIVATE AND DELIVER THE STRONG HAND OF SELF-CONFIDENCE TO THOSE IN NEED!
(...It seems that in the midst of her morphing, Mario has hit the snooze button again.)
Meggy: C'mon, Mario, get off your butt. It's time to SEIZE THE DAY! You have sooo much going for you!
(No response.)
Meggy: (More irritated) C'mon, Mario, get up! (Nothing.) MARIO!!? (Still nothing...) MARIOOOOOO!!!!!! (Not even that worked.) OK, that's it! Time for my ultimate move... SUPER MEGGY MOTIVATION MEGA ATTACK!!!
(SMGs 3 and 4 watch in awe. Her attack is...)
Meggy: DO IT! Just DO IT! Just DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
(SMGs 3 and 4 are underwhelmed.)
SMG4: This... is kinda sad...
(Suddenly, Fishy Boopkins and Bob pop up.)
Bob: We think we can help!
SMG3: WOAH! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS COMING FROM?!
Boopkins: Mario! You just need a spa and relaxation session!
(Mario finally wakes up.)
Mario: NOW WE'RE TALKING!!!!
Meggy: WHAT!? NO!!! MARIO NEEDS TO FACE HIS PROBLEM HEAD ON, NOT GO ON VACATION!!!!!
(No one listened. They head off as Meggy shuts down in rage.)
Scene 5[]
(At Bob's Completely Legal Massage Parlour, Mario is getting a massage.)
Mario: Ahhh... This is so relaxing... The garbage dump really makes the atmosphere! (Said garbage dump also has corpses scattered around it.)
Boopkins: BOB, NOW!
Mario: WHAT!?
Bob: MASSAGE HAS EXPIRED! (He drops a large tub on Mario.)
(Mario soon wakes up to find himself lying in the tub, but with no way out.)
Mario: HEY! WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL!?
(Gourmet Guy is sitting on the cover, preventing Mario from escaping.)
Boopkins: Sorry, Mario! I really think this will help!
Bob: Yeah! It helped with my gambling addiction! For now...
Mario: (Muffled) What am I meant to do?!
Boopkins: Nothing! Just relax!
Mario: MARIO'S NOT GONNA RELAX!! GET ME OUTTA HERE!!
(As Mario continues crying for help, Bob and Boopkins are playing Go Fish.)
Bob: Got any elevens?
Boopkins: Go Fish! Wait, what?
A few moments later...
(Later that night, Mario is still screaming while Bob and Boopkins have fallen asleep. Mario eventually stops.)
Mario: Fine. Mario will do this stupid meditation thing.
(He begins to meditate. He soon sees his 8-bit self.)
Mario: Oh! That's me!
(8-bit Mario suddenly faces forward.)
Mario: EW... That's what I look like front on?
Other Mario: You're not perfect...
Mario: AHHH! TOO FREAKY, THINK MORE FUNNY THOUGHTS!
(He imagines 8-bit Mario dancing.)
Mario: Ahh... That's much better... (He remembers he's supposed to be meditating.) AH NO! C'mon, Mario! USE THAT 1 IQ AND FOCUS!!
(He continues the meditation process. He imagines 8-bit Mario running through World 1-1 (Goomba: What the hell are you doing?) and eating a Double Cherry. Another 8-bit Mario pops up and they begin dancing.)
Mario: Oh my God... I get it...
(Mario wakes up and knocks the tub's cover off, waking up Bob and Boopkins in the process.)
Bob: My ovaries!
Mario: THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT!!!! THAT'S IIIIIIITT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scene 6[]
(Back with Luigi, he is now chained to a table.)
Mr. Blizzard: If we no get pizza, you will BECOME the pizza!
Luigi: SOMEONE HEEEEEEELP!
Mario: Hey, stinky!
(Mario has arrived.)
Luigi: MARIO!!!!
Mario: MARIO IS A NEW MAN! AND HE'S NOT GOING TO RUN AWAY FROM HIS PROBLEMS!
Cataquack: WE WANT OUR PIZZA!
Mr. Blizzard: GIVE US OUR PIZZA NOOOOOW!!!
(Luigi gets his arms and legs stretched out like rubber bands. Mario retreats back to his pizzeria.)
Luigi: MARIO DON'T LEAVE ME!!!
Mario: One second, Luigi!
(Mario pulls out paper and a pencil and scribbles something down while Luigi is still being stretched. Eventually, Mario finishes.)
Mario: IT'S DONE!!!
(He puts up a cardboard cutout of an Italian man holding pizza.)
Mario: MEET MARTY!!! ...MARIO'S OC!
Cataquack: ...HE'S... He's so sexy...!
Blooper: HOW CAN WE BE MAD AT SUCK A SEXY GUY!!!!
(The crowd runs over to Marty, toss money in front of him, take their pizzas, and leave.)
Mario: See, Luigi? Mario went on a spiritual journey and realized all you need to solve your mental health problems is draw an OC of yourself.
(Mario frees Luigi.)
Luigi: I'm glad you found out more about yourself, Mario.
(Luigi was stretched out so much, he's twice as tall as Mario, which he shrugs it off.)
Mario: Do you want an OC of yourself, Luigi? I'll call him Lui!
Luigi: Sure, Mario. That'd be great.
Mario: He'll help Marty cut the pizzas!
Luigi: Can he look handsome?
Mario: ...Maybe.
(A cardboard cutout of Lui appears next to Marty, although he lacks color. ...And it gets to a sinister closeup to Marty as the screen cuts to black...)
(Credits roll.)