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This page is the transcript for SMG4: Mario The Ultimate Gamer.
Transcript[]
(Glitchy Boy intro.)
(It starts with SMG4 and Mario standing in front of the castle, looking at each other furiously. Dreams of Cruelty plays.)
(Mario and SMG4 both yell and run toward each other to start fighting. It suddenly looks like a fighting game screen, as there are health meters in both upper corners, as well as a timer. A 8-bit rendition of Guile's theme plays. It pans out to reveal that they are, indeed, playing a fighting game: Super Smash each other in the ass Bros. SMG4 knocks out Mario and is made the winner. While SMG4 celebrates, Mario throws his controller in anger.)
Mario: OH **** YOU NERVE HURTING PIECE OF ****!
SMG4: Woo, too easy! (Announcer: Super smash each other in the ass Brothers!)
Mario: WHAT THE HELL!? THIS IS THE 20TH TIME I LOST NOW!
SMG4: You just suck
Mario: YOU KNOW WHAT! I'M GONNA GO TRAIN AND BECOME THE BEST!!!!
SMG4: (Laughing) Train? Mario, you've never trained in anything... ...EVER!
Mario: Screw you! I'm gonna be stronger than anyone you've ever seen! I'm gonna train until my arms come off! JUST YOU WATCH!
(It cuts to Mario "training" by eating an ice cream cone.)
Mario: Man, training sure is hard
(He hears cheering going on in a game store. He goes in and tries to see past the crowd.)
Mario: I can't see anywhere!
(The competition is Bob vs. a blue-haired girl in a game of Super Smash each other in the ass Bros.)
Mario: Hmmm... Oh hey Boopkins...
Fishy Boopkins: Oh, hey Mario!
Mario: ...why are there so many people here?
Fishy Boopkins: Oh, it's Bob! He challenged the blue-haired girl to Super Smash each other in the ass Bros! Apparently, she's one of the best in the world at this game!
Bob: Oof! A girl gamer? Don't make me laugh! Girls are stupid! LAWL! Leave video games to manly men like me!
Blue-Haired Girl: Hmph!
In-game Announcer: 3!
Mario: Let's-a go!
In-game Announcer: 2!
Bob: Time to smash!
In-game Announcer: 1!
(The girl just looks down at her controller.)
In-game Announcer: FIGHT!
(The match begins.)
Bob: You will never beat Dr. Eggman! Dr. Eggman is the shit!
(The girl, controlling Yoshi, starts beating Eggman up.)
Bob: What the shit!? How did she do that!?
(The girl continues to have Yoshi pummel Eggman until the latter is knocked out, ending the match. The crowd starts cheering)
Girl: Oh... Thanks guys... (She walks out of the store while Mario and Fishy Boopkins stare in amazement.)
Bob: Hey, where are you going? I was just going easy on you that time! I want a rematch! I will call up my father Sakurai and tell him to ban you for hacking!
(Mario runs out of the store to catch up with the girl. He spots her and runs after her. He suddenly appears in front of her, flat-faced.)
Mario: How ya doin'? (This startles the girl.) Hello! Blue smurf lady! Mario want to ask you a question!
Girl: Uh... n-no. Sorry. (She walks away in fear until she bumps into a vending machine. Mario's head emerges out.)
Mario: 'Scuse me!
(The girl is so frightened she gets sent flying back into another dispenser, which causes a free bag of chips to come out.)
Girl: (Woooow! Hey, that's pretty good!) Oh hey! Free chips! (She picks up the chips.)
Mario: Hey! You're good at games! What's your name?
Tari: Uh...T-Thanks. My name's...Tari.
Mario: Well Tari...Can you teach Mario how to not suck at video games...(Best cry ever.)
Tari: I'm...I'm not that good. I just play for a living.
Mario: Ooooh, very funny joke! I saw you smash Bob's ass! He didn't stand a chance!
Bob: (Walking in the background behind them.) Suck a dick!
Mario: Please teach Mario! I need to beat my friend and feel accomplished in my life!
Tari: Uh...ok. I'll try... (Okie dokie!)
(Mario yells in excitement. He's still yelling, even after he takes off all of his clothes.)
Tari: (To a Goomba, who is looking disgusted at the sight of a naked, fat Mario.) Uh...hehe..I don't know this man.
(It cuts to Mario and Tari walking.)
Mario: Okie dokie! What super secret techniques will you teach mario? :D
(Tari ponders, then see an arcade behind her.)
Tari: (How about... Try this!) Uh...Let me see your skills first...
(They enter the arcade and go up to a screen with Smash on it. Tari and Mario pick up controllers.)
Mario: Let us begin...
(Mario holds a NES controller like a Wiimote.)
Tari: Say whaaaaaaat?
Mario: Kid's gonna die tonight!
(The game begins, but Mario just presses buttons while his in-game character just fumbles around like an idiot. A grinning Tari knocks him out with just a single tap of a button, and the match ends.)
Mario: Well, that was a load of shit! (Tari laughs.)
Tari: (Mario, try this!) Uh...Come over here. I think I have an idea.
(Mario flips her off, and they go over to a Whack-a-Luigi game.)
Whack-a-Luigi: Gotchie gotchie! You look ridiculous!
Mario: How is this crappy game supposed to help me!?
Tari: Uhh...you're going to need more than just "button mashing" skills...which is why... You must learn to focus!!!!
Mario: What!? Focus?! Mario brain is always focused!! (Not really, as his brain shows Baldi dancing to Fortnite music in front of spaghetti.)
Tari: Uh...Let's try. (She presses a button, and Luigis start bobbing up. Mario grabs a hammer.)
Mario: Time to die... (He starts whacking all over the place, not even once hitting a Luigi.)
Tari: Uh...Mario... yoohoo! Mario??? (She ponders, then goes over and steals some ice from an Ice Climber.)
Popo: In Dota, basically you pick one character okay, and then you...
(She throws the ice at Mario, who freezes in place. Predictably, the score Mario got is 0.)
Whack-a-Luigi: Yay! That's-a pretty SHET.
Tari: Mario...Remember what I told you?... Focus!!!
Mario: Fine! Hmm.
Mario: Focusing...Focusing...Focusing...(He tries to focus more, and eventually manages to get Baldi, spaghetti, and dancing out of his mind.) I... See... Everything! (He then actually hits a Luigi.) Oh... I did it! I did it!
Tari: See! Now you're getting it! (Mario smacks her with the hammer.) uh....let's move on.
(They go over to a crane game.)
Tari: OOOH! This next one is my favorite! Crane games!!! Perfect for hand eye coordination! Accuracy and agility... and most importantly... a chronic gambling addiction disguised as a childs game (ooooh) (so cute) (i need it) (i must cuddle it to death) (so cute) (i will own you)
Mario: Mama-mia. This game looks stupid as hel- (He notices a half-eaten slice of pizza.) OOOH! FREE PIZZA! (He pushes Tari out of the way and begins to play the game. He grabs a robot with Thomas the Tank Engine's face on it, a Shy Guy, and a Pengaz.)
Tari: uh mario...i think someone threw their food in there...
Mario: I don't care!
Tari: Don't forget Mario! Focus! then aim carefully.
(Mario grabs the stick and jumps backwards, with the crane coming out of the game and sticking itself to Toad.)
Mario: OOH! I GOT ONE!
(The crane pulls Toad toward him, but Toad grabs onto another game.)
Tari: Oh no! I need to help him!
Toad: The f**k?
(She has another crane attached to him and Toad is forcefully pulled toward them.)
Tari: (Thumbs up.) Noice!
Mario: (Thumbs up.) A-yeeeeeeees!
Tari: I have one final lesson for you mario...
Mario: OOOH! Is it a super secret special move?!
Tari: Even better!
(It cuts to Mario watching Tari feed ducks.)
Mario: WHAT?!
(Duck: Swiggity swooggity, I am coming, for the booty.)
Tari: Cmon! Relax! Being calm before a match is really important!... Isn't that right, lil duckies? (She turns to see that a duck has bitten onto her hand. She screams in pain as she tries to get the duck off.)
Mario: Hey, this IS pretty relaxing. :D
Tari: (Tired out.) Ok training over...
Mario: OOH! Okie dokie! Mario's feeling ready to fight! >:D Let's go kick SMG4's ass, Tari!
Tari: H-huh...? Me?... Uh...y-you go on. I'm still....feeding these duckies...
Mario: Okie dokie! (He shakes her hand.) Thank you so much! You such a good player! (He runs off.) TIME TO DIE, SMG4!
Tari: Oh thank gosh... Almost had to meet new people.... I'm happy right where I am! (She feels two ducks bitten on both her hands.)
(It cuts back to the castle. Mario walks to the room where he and SMG4 played Smash. SMG4 is sitting in a chair, back turned to Mario. He then turns around, holding a Yoshi plush.)
SMG4: Welcome. I've been expecting you...
Mario: Fight me SMG4!
(SMG4 throws his plush to the side and pulls out a controller, as does Mario. They stare at each other dramatically.)
Mario: Here we go again...!
(Mario leaps, then it cuts to the start of the match. They start mashing buttons until SMG4 manages to hit Mario.)
Mario: OH NO!!!
SMG4: (Your feeble skills have no match for the meme side.) Ha, ha, ha. I can see you've gotten better. But you're still no match for me!!!
(Mario remembers Tari telling him to focus. But it then shows that Tari is actually outside the window.)
Tari: FOCUS!
Mario: Tari???
(She waves nervously, but the wooden ledge she's standing on gives way, and she screams as she falls. Mario gets more determined as the match resumes. He then successfully manages to get a hit on SMG4.)
SMG4: OHH MAH ASS! GRRRRRRR! (He hits Mario.) THIS... ..IS... ...OVER!
(It really did end up being over, as Mario hits SMG4 one last time, draining him of all his health, and thus ending the match. SMG4 gasps in surprise.)
(Beat.)
Mario: Get wrecked, bitch! Looks like-a Mario win this time! You got what you asked for! (He starts going crazy over his victory.) Hahaha... I win! Haha! I win! Boing! I win! Game over! Want to play again, mamaf***?
SMG4: (Walks away in tears.) Beaten...by Mario?? He'll never let this go... (He goes to the door and sees Tari peeking from the other side.) Huh?
Tari: S-sorry... (She hides behind the door.)
Mario: (Runs after her.) Hey! Come back here! (She brings her into the room.) HEY TARI! I BEAT SMG4 AND IT'S ALL THANKS TO YOU! CELEBRATE WITH ME!!!
(Tari notices SMG4 on the ground crying.)
Tari: Wanna play me for fun?
SMG4: (Looks up at her.) Hey! Sure!
(Tari and SMG4 start playing a match.)
Mario: (Still celebrating.) Wahaaaa! Wahaaaa! Get wrecked! Suck mah penis! Haha! Haha! (Suddenly appears naked and humping an NES controller.) My wiener is so happy!
(Credits roll.)