This is the transcript for SMG4: Wild, Wild Mario.
(Soon, in a western desert area, a train can be seen. Apparently, Mario's one of the passengers, where he's humming away happily in his chair.)
Mario: oh boy, it was so nice of Bowser to send me on a vacation and look after peach! (Shows a ticket that reads: 1 ticket to the middle of nowhere and that it's signed with Fak u - Bowser.) I always wanted to go to the middle of nowhere! :D
(Suddenly, the train was halted, causing Mario to wonder what caused it to stop. Looking out through the window (and smashing through the glass), Mario apparently saw that it was Shroomy who stopped it.)
Shroomy: Oh no! Somebody! Anybody, help! The town's being attacked!
(Mario, interested to see who was attacking the town, went towards Shroomy.)
Mario: Have no fear! Marios a qualified idiot! What's the problem!?
Shroomy: Oh! Oh Mario... the Wild Wahs gang... they are raiding the town, and stealing our money!
(Sudden gunshots could be heard in the distance. Turning to the gunfire direction, Mario was confused while Shroomy naturally was panicking.)
Shroomy: Oh no!
Wario and Waluigi: YEAH BOI! (now dancing on their stolen money) Money money money money money money money money money money!
Old Koopa Troopa: Somebody stop that awful, awful man!
(Wario naturally laughed at the feeble attempt when suddenly, there was someone nearby.)
Unknown person: STOP RIGHT THERE!
(Turns out this unknown person is Toadsworth.)
Toadsworth: Alright pinhead your time is up!
(Wario simply threw Toadsworth some money.)
Toadsworth: Welp...looks like nothings wrong here!
(With the bribe accepted, Toadsworth proceeds to return back to his office.)
Shroomy: OH NO THIS IS BAD! Mario, can you please help us?
Mario: Have you got any food?
Shroomy: NOOO, WE'RE DOOMED
Mario: ooh... (turns to see a cart) maybe there's some food over there!
(Upon seeing a sleeping guy in the cart, Mario got excited.)
Mario: WOW! Those clothes look cool! Can I have it?
(Throwing the cart owner out without his clothes, Mario quickly felt the cart move.)
(Meanwhile as Wario and Waluigi celebrated, there was a gunshot in their direction.)
Meggy: You aren't going anywhere, you dirty varmints! 'Sharp-eye Meggy' is gonna bring justice to ya'll!
(Wario and Waluigi just laughed over that.)
Meggy: Hey!...What's so funny?!
(Turns out she fell for their trap. As she turned around, Donkey Kong used his Surprise Dong attack on her, successfully capturing her.)
Waluigi: Oh yeah! That's our henchman! Good work, Sir Dong!
Meggy: Hey!! Let go of me!!!
(As Wario and Waluigi resumed celebrating their easy robbery, Wario gets run over by Mario, shocking Waluigi.)
Shroomy: Haha! Good job Mario, don't worry, I got your back! SLINGSHOT SHROOMY TO THE RESCUE!
(As Waluigi was panicking over what happened to Wario, he gets knocked down by Shroomy's projectile.)
(Horrified by his bosses being taken down easily, Meggy proceeded to kick Donkey Kong's groin, causing a natural reaction.)
Wario: WAH! This isn't over! We'll come back with a larger gang and destroy this town! (facing Mario) You! You stupid newcomer! What's your cowboy name!?
Mario: oh...the names...Optimus...Optimus Prime 3000. :D
Wario: well...mister Prime. The Wild Wahs of the west will get their revenge!!!!
(With those words spoken, Wario, Waluigi, and Donkey Kong retreated from the town.)
Meggy: Thanks for helping me back there, Partner! You really showed them who's boss!
Shroomy: B-But they said they were gonna come back with more guys and attack us! What are we gonna do??
Mario: Hey, imma hungry.
Meggy: oh! Great idea, Red! We'll go to the saloon and find some people to help defend the town!
Shroomy: Oh Boy This Is Gonna be Lotsa Fun
Mario: MAMA F[CENSORED]ER
(Later on at the saloon.)
Guy: I'm so drunk I can barely see, But it helps me get--
Guy 2: It's on! It's on like---
Meggy: ok, let's split up and ask around.
Mario: Oh, Boy. Imma thirsty.
Meggy: Excuse me, we're looking for a good fighter-
(Suddenly, McCree looked at Meggy weirdly. Suddenly, he made a moaning sound of pleasure.)
McCree: I feel high, I need weed, I'm dead.
(Not wanting to deal with him, especially after McCree collapsed, Meggy slowly slid away sideways. The scene then cuts to Shroomy.)
Shroomy: Hey, 'scuse me fellas
Franshish: God, I hate your hat
Woody: Oh yeah tough guy?
Franshish: I'm gonna kick your ass
Woody: Ohh, hohohOK! Who else--
Franshish: Burn ya son of a b!tch
Woody: (laughs then tackles Franshish) YOU ARE A B!TCH
Shroomy: Aw man, this isn't gonna work out... D: (turns to see a dartboard) Oh look darts! I love darts yay! :D
(Meanwhile with Mario at the bar.)
Mario: I'd like to have a large order of fries and a orange soda
Mario: Luigi? what are you doing here?
Luigi: This is like my 53rd part-time job. Who do you think pays for all your damages? and why do you think I'm not in a lot of episodes.
Mario: hmmm, how convenient that all my friends are here and dressed up in western clothing.
Cowboy: YOU SCAMMING SACK OF CRAP! You cheated didn't you! There's no way you can land 5 bullseyes in a row!
Shroomy: But I played a lot of boy scout games, I think you're just a sore loser so...
Meggy: HEY! Leave my friend alone!!!
(With a quick to the head, the cowboy was knocked out, causing a K.O.! sound to appear.)
(Now that they triggered everyone in the bar, they all proceeded to gang up on Meggy and Shroomy.)
Shroomy: Oh no fellas, please don't hurt us, maybe we can work something out maybe? Anything?
Cataquack: Get that mothafocka (launches himself at Shroomy)
Shroomy: Oh My Ass!! (easily dodges that attack.)
(As the Cataquack missed, he ended up hitting Woody instead.)
Woody: Come on! You wanna piece of me?
(As the bar was being thrashed, Mario ate his fries.)
Mario: Hey Luigi, pass the tomato sauce.
(As Luigi was about to do so, McCree landed next to him.)
McCree: I'VE GOT A BULLET IN MY ASS
Luigi: Mama mia (quickly passes Mario the ketchup bottle)
Mario: (happy) Thank you so much for...
Meggy: ahh don't hurt me!
(Upon hearing Meggy cry for help, Mario was shocked to see Woody about to attack her.)
Woody: Oh so well, so you wanna do it the hard way, huh?
Mario: Oh Hell No! (takes the bottle) Hey stinky! Haha! Take that! (he rams it up Woody's butt)
Woody: (in pain) SOMEBODY'S POISONED THE WATERHOLE!
(Woody then started to naturally run around in pain.)
Mario: Yeah! Ha-Ha-Ha!
(Suddenly, a gunshot can be heard.)
Toad: Why don't you fellas go trash some other bar?
Dr. Eggman: RUN! It's Reload Toad! The bounty hunter!!
(Most of the bar customers ran from the place, leaving behind Mario, Meggy, Shroomy, Luigi, and McCree.)
Toad: I heard you were hunting those no-good wahs. I can help with that. They all have a large bounty... but more importantly... (shows a picture of him and his large pile of candy) Those bastards took away my wife...
Shroomy: Oh no!
Mario: Dear god...
Toad: (to Mario) I heard how you foiled those wahs today. You have potential mr. "Optimus Prime 3000"
(Now back at the bar.)
Mario: Luigi! We're going! Wanna come be useless?
Luigi: No! It's too dangerous...
(Suddenly, McCree rose from the bar.)
McCree: I NEED SEXUAL HEALING
(Not wanting to know what he meant by that, Luigi quickly joined the others.)
Luigi: AH! Wait, I change my mind!
(Later on outside the saloon.)
Toad: We need a few more fighters to take on the wah gang. Hmmm...
Mario: Mama mia. (suddenly hears a noise from one of the buildings) Hmm?
Fishy Boopkins: And stay out of there You riffraff! No body messes with lady Boop! (turns to face the gang) Oh hello there! You all here to see little old me?
Mario: Uhh...hell no?
Meggy: We're here to protect the town from the Wild Wah gang! Do you think you could help us?
Fishy Boopkins: I do declare, I don't really know how to fight, but... oh I do know someone that can help!
Mario: Wait, why is boopkins dressed like a girl?
(Luigi shrugs as he didn't know the answer either.)
Fishy Boopkins: His name is "Wild Bob", and he's the most bruteness, toothless Native American out here in the Wild West! He lives in the Badlands, I Can Show You... (suddenly gets assaulted by Mario) AHHHHH!
Mario: (attempting to remove Boopkin's wig) Damn it boopkins, take the wig off! You look stupid!
(Suddenly Toad knocks the screaming Boopkins off of Mario's hand)
Toad: (showing that a horse cart is ready to bring everyone to the Badlands) C'mon Mario, we're going to the badlands, hurry your ass up
Mario: Oh no...
(One intense travel montage later, everyone have reached Bob's home. Apparently, Bob is doing some chanting.)
Mario: (turns to the gang) Does anyone know what the hell he's doing?
(As Bob is chanting, Mario goes up behind him.)
Mario: The hell are you doing bob?
Bob (speaking slightly slurred): Hi. I am Wild Bob. What brings you guys to my home?
Mario: Why are you talking like that bob?
Bob: It's this pipe here man. You gotta try this shit out!
Fishy Boopkins (approaching Bob): Oh Wild Bob, we came from the Mushroom Mesa. I brought these young fellows all the way here because they need your sharp Native American battle skills!
Bob: How? And what's in it for me?
Luigi: You have to join us! There is a huge bounty on the wah gang!
Bob: Money! I have no desire for money! (now in a bush) Look at this shit! I am one with nature! #Zen #Organic #Vegan Look at me bitches!
Toad: Ugh...Screw this crap. Lets get out of here
Mario: Oooooo! That looks like fun!
(Both Bob and Mario started playing in the bushes.)
Toad: They're probably going to be there a while, lets go...
Meggy: Yeah, lets get out of here!
(Everyone leaves for the town except for Bob and Mario.)
Bob: (doing a rain dance) Rain dance rain dance rain dance rain dance! Come on you bitch-ass sky give me some rain! God dammit!
Toad: Hey bob! You have time to think about what we said?
Bob: Yeah sure whatever I guess it's better than trying to make some rain come out the sky.
Meggy: So that brings us to 7 then? Lets go kick the wah gags butts!
(Everyone proceeds to put their hands together except Bob.)
Bob: (realized he didn't have any actual hands) Crap I don't have any hands!
(One intense walk to battle scene later.)
Wario: This town is dead meat!!!
Mario: (angry) No!
McCree: It's high noon!
Cashier: Err actually it's 12:30.
McCree: (with sad music) My life is a lie!
(A longer staredown later.)
(With sudden gunfire, the group spread out, leaving Luigi to stay put and dodge all the bullets frantically.)
Mario: Good job distracting them, Luigi! :D
(Meanwhile, Bob and Boopkins have barely dodged the gunfire)
Bob: Damn! God dang it! Don't worry cowboy guns ain't got nothing on us natives! (takes out bow) Check this shit up! Oh, yeah, now to do the chant of my people. Oh great ancestors! Lend me your strength and swag (suddenly gets shot at by a few Wild Wah gang members) Jesus Christ! Okay, screw the chant (fires off arrows) take this you son of bitches!
(Bob's arrows knocked down a tree that crushed their shooters. Just as Bob and Boopkins celebrated, two more members showed up.)
Bob: Oh yeah bitches I am the best!
Bob-ombs: STOP RIGHT THERE!
(They naturally panicked and started running.)
Bob: Oh shit! Run run run! Oh my ass!
(Bob and Boopkins then came across another member around a corner.)
Bob: Crap there's a guard there we need to get pass!
Boopkins: Don't worry! I'll stop him with my "Womanly Charms"!
(Boopkins attempt to seduce an Monty Mole member, falling for it, the guard went over just for Boopkins to try and knock him out with a stick, which doesn't work.)
Boopkins: Oh no!
(Bob just headshots the guard with a well-aimed arrow.)
Bob: Close enough!
(Meanwhile, three Goomba guards are shooting away when suddenly, Toad shouted.)
Toad: HEY YOU! This town aint big enough for the two of us! (unleash a shotgun placed on his crotch area) SUCK MY DICK!
(That surprise attack killed two of the Goombas.)
Goomba: NOOOOOO GOOOOOOODDD!
Toad (prepares to kill him): HASTA LAVISTA, BABY!
(The goomba then took out the candy pile.)
Goomba: Stand back! I'm warnin ya!
(Toad, realizing he couldn't just let his "wife" die, collapses and pleads with the Goomba.)
Toad: Honey!!!.... (now really on the ground) Please don't hurt her... She's my only reason to live.
(As the Goomba considered, he was suddenly disarmed by a rock projectile.)
Goomba: WAH! OH MY GOD!
Shroomy: Ha ha! I got you! Surprised you didn't I?
(As the Goomba looked shocked at Shroomy, Toad suddenly rearmed him with his crotch shotgun and aim it at his head.)
Toad: Dumbass motherfucker!
(He shot the Goomba dead, screaming as he fell.)
Shroomy: Ha ha! We showed him! (sees the candy pile) Oh look! A lollipop! That's my favorite! (suddenly gets smacked away)
Toad: DON'T TOUCH!
(As Donkey Kong saw more of his fellow gang members collapse near him, he started panicking and retreating.)
Donkey Kong: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
Wario: HEY! Don't abandon us you stupid Monkey!!!
(Donkey Kong happened to run past Meggy as she shot down more members.)
Donkey Kong: Fuck this shit I'm out! Fuck this shit I'm out! (gets on a horse in the attempt to flee the town)
Meggy: oh you're not going anywhere, fella!!! (looks for the nearest member for help) RED!!
Mario: (turns to Meggy's direction) Yo man whasup! (shoots dead a distracted Monty Mole)
Meggy: Help lunge me up!
Mario: Okie dokie! (he places himself where Meggy can use him as a boost pad)
(Once in position, Meggy shot down a bucket that hit the horse's head. It suddenly went crazy and flung Donkey Kong where he landed super hard on a pipe and basically destroyed his crotch.)
(Mario and Meggy laughed at Donkey Kong's demise as he fell still in pain.)
(Back to Wario and Waluigi as they were still shooting at Luigi.)
Waluigi: (stops shooting first) uhh...shouldn't we aim for someone else than just Luigi?...
(Luigi is scared albeit still fine among the other bullet holes.)
Wario: Hmm...now that I think about it... (camera zooms out to reveal the entire Wild Wah gang reinforcement dead) WHY ARE ALL MY GUYS DEAD!?
(The rest suddenly had them surrounded except for Luigi who was still in a fetus position crying.)
Mario: Looks like you are fucked ya ugly sack of shit!
(Later on when Donkey Kong, still in pain, Waluigi, and Wario are in prison.)
Shroomy: Good job fellas but remember, there's always more bad guys out there! Mushroom Mesa is always gonna need more protectors...
Bob: Screw that shit who wants to come to my place and play in the bushes?
(As Mario was super excited for that, everyone walked to Bob's home to play in the bushes into the sunset.)
Narrator: And the stupid 7 walked far along into the distance, never to be meeted again. Some say they are still playing in the bushes to this day.
McCree: (walked up to notice the group walking into the sunset before turning to face the viewers) Well. I have aids.