SMG4 Christmas 2018: The Most Important Thing/Transcript

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Template:BG/General This is the transcript for SMG4 Christmas 2018: The Most Important Thing.

Transcript

(Glitch Productions logo.)

(The episode starts with Bob, dressed as Santa, riding a sleigh while Green Bird by Yoko Kanno and The Seatbelts plays in the background. It switches between Bob and shots of his friends at Peach's Castle: Mario is eating cookies, Luigi is reading Meggy a story, SMG4, Bowser, and Tari are playing games, Fishy Boopkins is watching Saiko rock it out on the guitar, and Toad is snoozing on the couch. Bob then crashes through the glass and lands on Bowser.)

Bowser: (Gets crushed) AH! OH MY GOD!

Bob: What's up, bitches? It's ya boi, Bob Claus! Ho ho ho! Now, I know all of you may be just a tiny bit pissed with me, but that's why Bob Claus is here to make things better! Ho ho ho!

(He jumps on top of the sack.)

Bob: Presenting... (He pulls out of the sack...) The grand, golden statue of me and my friends! See, I still love you all! The evidence is right here!

(Everyone has ignored him.)

Bob: Ho ho! Aren't you guys in the Christmas spirit? (He goes over to Saiko.) Saiko, you forgive me, right? Your rock song was badass! Please forgive me pls! (He goes over to Meggy, who is hiding her eyes under her hat.) Meggy, what I said about your voice... That was just a prank. Your voice is almost as beautiful as my voice!

(Still being ignored.)

Bob: ...Goddammit, why are you all being tight-asses?! I spent the rest of my goddamn money on this stupid, bitch-ass statue! (He says as he knocks almost all of the statues over.) Isn't this how this stupid friendship thing works?! (He finally loses it.) Noticemenoticemenoticemenoticemenoticemenoticeme plsnoticemeplsnoticemeplsnoticeme

Mario: (Finally having enough.) I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, BOB GET LOST! NOBODY FORGIVES YOU!

Bob: Are you sure you don't-

Mario: Nobody caaaaaaaaaaares!

Bob: Hey!

Mario: Nobody caaaaaaaaaaares!

SMG4: Sorry Bob...we just can't trust you anymore...

Meggy: Please, just leave.

Mario: Nobody freakin' CAAAAAAAAAAAAARES!

Bob: ...I see how it is... (He drops the beard and hat.) You will never hear from me again. Hopefully that's a good enough Christmas present. (He leaves.)

Tari: Don't you think we were a bit too harsh with him?

Toad: And nothing of value was lost!

(It cuts to Bob walking melancholically all by himself. He looks into a cafe to see Toadsworth and Jeeves having coffee together. He then walks past a pair of Teletubbies making snow angels.)

Bob: Jesus Christ, get a room!

(He then walks past Chris and Swagmaster making snowmen.)

Swagmaster: LOL Chris, do you like my snowmen. They are giving some nice hugs. (The two snowmen Swag built are, in actuality, not hugging. One is getting screwed by the other.)

Chris: Oh, for Christ's sakes...

Swagmaster: lolololololol

(Bob, still walking, hears a couple of bang-like noises.)

Bob: Huh?

(It turns out the "bang" noises were actually gunshots, made by a machine gun-wielding Yoshi riding a sled. He is fleeing from a tank.)

Tank: STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOLE!

Bob: (Sigh) Even Yoshi has someone for Christmas, and he's been on the run for ages... (He resume his depressing walk into the garbage dump and finally lays down on some trash bags.)

(A growling noise is heard as something makes its way towards Bob.)

Bob: Maybe I'll just stay here for the rest of my life...

(The mysterious being finally reaches Bob.)

Bob: Huh? Oh, dear God! Sweet Jesus! It's so ugly!

???: So...

(It turns out the mysterious being is...)

Waluigi: ...your friends rejected you huh?

Bob: Oh. Oh yeah... I was an ass to them, and now they hate me.

Waluigi: Wah! I know the feeling all too well! Come with me Bob...

Bob: What? Why? Where are you going? Hey! Wait up for me!

(They walk in the snow.)

Bob: Say... Are you going to do any of that freaky apocalyptic crap? Cause I ain't going through that again.

Waluigi: No. I'm here for you Bob.

Bob: Um... Are you hitting on me?

Waluigi: No Bob... Bob, what is the most important thing to you? Money? Friends? Or POWER??

Bob: Um... All of them?

Waluigi: hehe...we'll see about that. (He starts climbing a mountain of trash bags.)

Bob: Boi, wait! Where are you going? I ain't climbing that! I only climb on money and girls!

(Bob climbs anyway.)

Bob: Holy crap, my ass feels like a burning ring of fire! You better have a good reason for bringing me all the way up here!

(No response.)

Bob: ...Hello? Yo, Waluigi! You big, purple pingas!

(Still nothing...)

Bob: ...Waluigi? Boi! You lanky-ass fairy-

Waluigi: (Turns around.) WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU!?

Bob: (Backs away.) Um... Um... What the hell?

Waluigi: WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU!?

Bob: Girls and cash. (Waluigi grabs him.) Oh, crap...!

Waluigi: WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU!?

Bob: Uh... The fans! The millions and millions of fans! (Waluigi hangs him over an edge.) Hey, no, what are you doing?! Put me down!

Waluigi: What... is... most important... to you...!?

Bob: Sweet Baby Jesus!

(Bob screams as Waluigi kicks him off the cliff.)

Bob: Oh God, please, not like this! I'm gonna die alone! No no no! Oh God, I don't want this to be the end!

(Green Bird starts playing again as Bob's life suddenly flashes before his eyes.)

(Flashback to Mario and the Bob Mansion......)

Bob: I can't buy cool friends to celebrate Bobsgiving with, like you guys.

(Flashback to Mario waits for pizza, where he and Fishy Boopkins are watching anime.)

(Flashback to Mario and... The Well.)

Fishy Boopkins: You saved me, Bob! Thank you so much!

Bob: No problem!

(Flashback to Mario's Train Trip.)

Bob: I'm not crazy... I'm just lonely.

(Flashback to The Mario Purge.)

Bob: Boopkins! You are my best friend!

Fishy Boopkins: Yaaaaaaaay!

(The flashbacks end, with Bob still falling. Just when it looks like this will be the end, a mysterious force created by Waluigi prevents him from hitting the ground.)

Bob: Holy crapamoly! Friends! My idiot friends are most important to me! Apparently...

Waluigi: Wahahaha! SEE! All you needed was a near death experience to realize that! Luckily I'm really good at giving people near death experiences! (He poses, makes an umbrella come out of his staff, and floats away.) I'm Mary Poppins, y'all!

Bob: What an ass...

(It cuts to the mall. Luigi is singing Jingle Bells.)

Luigi: Isn't Christmas shopping the best Mario?

(Mario is too busy being a jerk to a mall Santa.)

Mario: WHERE'S THOSE PRESENTS I ASKED FOR, HUH?! (Luigi runs over to stop him.)

Shroomy: Howdy, fellas! I got my normal body back! Hooray! (Lasers come out of his eyes, which hit a sign, which falls on a wheelchair-ridden Bowser. Shroomy just shrugs and leaves.)

(Tari, Meggy, and Saiko are looking at a rubber duck in a window.)

Tari: YOU ARE A:READY MINE... (I will get you and I will squish you) (SO KYUTE) (I NEED IT) (GIMME) (A horrified Saiko holds up a crucifix.)

Toadette: Ooo, isn't this a wonderful christmas date, toad?

Toad: I could be playing smash ultimate right now.

Toadette: Oh honey, look! Mistletoe! You know what thaaaat means?!

Toad: OH YEAH! (He grabs Toadette and throws her through a restaurant window.)

Waiter: Hello sir, can I take your order?

(Fishy Boopkins is sitting on a bench, looking depressed.)

Fishy Boopkins: Oh, man... I should be enjoying Christmas right now... But I don't know why I'm not... (He hears something... Bob is rapping nearby.)

Bob: (Rapping.) Santa's coming to town, yo! And he's bringing all his hos! Ho! Ho! Ho!

SMG4: Is he seriously trying to start his rap career again?

Saiko: Pfft, how cute.

Fishy Boopkins: Awww, Bob... Haven't you learned anything?

Bob: Thank you, everyone! I'm glad to see that there are still people who support me! But with that, I have an announcement to make!

Fishy Boopkins: Huh?

Bob: That... was my last rap song. I'm retiring, folks!

(Everyone is shocked.)

Bob: All the money and hoes were great... But I now realized I've lost something far more important. It's time to go back to the life I used to have: a poor ass peasant. But a poor ass peasant with friends.

Fishy Boopkins: (Bursts into tears.) Bo-ob, you do care!

(Bob drops the mic and leaves as the audience jeers at him.)

Fishy Boopkins: Awww... Bob...

(It cuts back to the dump, where Bob is warming himself by a poorly-made fire.)

Bob: Yeah, this is the life. Goddammit...

(A shadow looms over him.)

Bob: Huh? (He looks up to see... his friends.)

Fishy Boopkins: Bob! (He hugs Bob.) Oh Bob, we missed you so much!

Bob: Oh God, I can't breathe.

Toad: Pfft, speak for yourself...

Meggy: We heard what you said at the mall...It was...honest. And we've all decided that-

Mario: You're still an asshole!...but you're OUR asshole! :D

Luigi: Yeah! We want you to be our friend again!

Saiko: (Shuts Luigi's mouth.) Friend...is a very strong word. More like...acquaintance...

Bowser: oooh...and we got a little something for you!

Fishy Boopkins: Oh Bob, I want you to know that you're so special to me! (Meggy: (Pulls Fishy Boopkins back.) Sorry about him.) NOOOOOOOOO! No, Bob! I want to hug you-

(A present drops in front of Bob.)

Bob: Oh, wow! Really? For me? (He opens the gift.) Oh, damn!

(Inside is a picture of Bob's friends. All looking joyful, though Saiko is indifferent, and Toad is sleeping on the couch. And taped near the bottom right corner... Is Bob. This puts him in tears.)

Bob: I swear, I'm not crying! My eyes are just pissing!

Tari: (Excitedly.) OK, HE OPENED IT! CAN WE OPEN OUR PRESENTS NOW, PLEEEASE (She goes over to the gift pile, looks through, and finds a gift for her. Inside is a rubber ducky.) I shall name you Archibald!

(Luigi opens his gift: A Game Boy Horror. SMG4's is a Holy Meme Bible, Toad's is coal, Mario's is cranberry Sprite, Meggy's is a fish head, Saiko's is a body pillow, and Bowser's is a crown.)

Bob: Where's your present, Boopkins?

Fishy Boopkins Oh Bob, my Christmas present has been here all along!

Bob: That's the gayest thing I've ever heard you say. ...Come here, you stupid, green turd! (He hugs and tickles Fishy Boopkins.) I've missed you!

Fishy Boopkins: Hey! That Tickles!

(Wario and Waluigi are watching this happy event from above.)

Wario: Wow...you actually helped bring them together...

Waluigi: Yeah, I figured after what happened with me...everyone could use a friend. Especially on Christmas...

(Police sirens blare out in the distance.)

Wario: Hehe, good job on stealing Santa's sleigh by the way. It makes the best getaway vehicle.

(Wario cracks the whips and they both laugh as they fly off into the nighttime sky.)

(Credits roll.)