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This is the transcript for Super Mario 64 Bloopers: Hotel Mario
(Bob-Omb Battlefield music plays in front of Peach's Castle, when suddenly Luigi shows up on fire.)
Luigi: Waaaaahhhh! Help! Help! Help!
Mario: SMG4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU! I’M GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!
SMG4: what? I’m...sorta busy here...
Mario: SMG4! THIS IS SERIOUS! GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE NOW!
SMG4: I can't I'm sorta busy...
Mario: BUT THIS IS A MATTER OF LIFE AND DATH!
SMG4: but this is a matter of life and death too! (Scene shows him taking a bath) ahhh...this is relaxing...
Mario: you done now??
(SMG4 screams and throws Mario out of the castle, while the title card shows: Supermarioglitchy4 presents...
Eggman: Pingas!
SMG4: what do you want mario!
Mario: we aran out of spaghetti... can we go buy some more?
SMG4: NO! remember the last time we went to go buy spaghetti?
Mario: That was fun and you knew it was!
SMG4: WE WERE IN JAIL FOR TWO WEEKS! go make it or something...
Mario: cook!? i don't know how to cook D: I know! i'll get peach! she can make a cake! Toad! where's peach?
Toad: she's in another castle
Mario: MAMAF***KER!
Narrator in video: Please take out a frying pan. (Mario pulls out knife) I said a frying pan!
Mario: now I understand everything.....here we go. I'm going to make the ultimate spaghetti..now you just got to turn the oven on...(Ends up setting the castle on fire).....crap....
SMG4: oh good going genius!
Toad: oh yay, there goes my home. any millions of other toads' homes
Lakitu: ;_; where am i going to pee now?
Peach: WTF? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY CASTLE???
SMG4: Mario knows exactly what happens.
Mario:....*gulp*...
Peach: WHAT HAPPENED!?
Mario: SMG4 was on fire and set everything else on fire!!!
SMG4: WHAT?! no I wasn't (Mario uses a flamethrower to set SMG4 on fire) AH! Jesus Christ!
(Peach obviously knows the truth, and it dawns even on Mario)
Mario: please don't hurt me...
Peach: what are the damages?
The Police: well since everything is burnt and you lost everything...it would be around 2 billion coins to fix
Peach: OH WHAT THE FU- (Explodes)
Mario: oh well, what can ya do?
Peach: I can't afford that...(Smoke still streaming out of her)
Police: oh well then you can live like hobos
Toad: where will we live?!
Lakitu: can someone kill me?
SMG4: how am i suppose to make vids? WHERE WILL I ENSLAVE TOADS!?
Mario: we can stay at my house!
Peach: NOOOOOO!
(scene takes place in Mario's house, with Luigi sleeping.)
Mario: Luigi. LUIGI!! (Bangs door repeatedly, causing Luigi to wake up and bang his head in the bunk bed.)
Luigi: Wah-Owowow! Ohhh...
Mario: Luigi!
Luigi: WHAT IS IT?!
Mario: we have a new family!
Luigi: WAH - WE'RE ADOPTED?! Ohoho! Ahaha! (Runs off cliff)
Mario:...he'll be alright. So how is everyone?
Toad: GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!! (Entire room is in chaos)
Mario: I hope you enjoy your stay at hotel Mario :D
Lakitu: more like hotel crap
Peach: umm mario, there's only 2 beds and there's 4 guests
Mario: oh that's easy. me and luigi sleep on the beds and you all sleep on the table
Peach: WHAT?! that's crazy! you can't sleep on a table! especially not 4 people!
Mario: ok fine! SMG4 can sleep on the floor and toad sleeps outside
Toad: hey wait! why do i sleep outside?
Mario: CAUSE YOU'RE A MUSHROOM! AND MUSHROOMS BELONG OUTSIDE!
Peach: mario! this is stupid! we can't live here!
Mario: ok ok how about this... I sleep on the bed and you all sleep on the roof? stupid peach...can't believe i have to sleep outside...
Bowser: ugh, is it morning already?
Mario: bowser? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY GARBAGE?
Bowser: ehehe...hey mario...see it's a funny story why i'm here...my troops sorta kicked me out of the whole evil thing so now i live here
Mario: wait...exactly how long?
Bowser: 3 weeks...
Mario: WAIT WHAT!? YOU'VE BEEN LIVING IN MY GARBAGE FOR 3 WEEKS AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME!?
Bowser: please mario...help a friend out...
(Bowser is taken inside Mario's house)
Bowser: yay! LD house party!!!!
Peach: mario...I would like to have a word with you...MARIO! why did you invite bowser!? you know I hate him!
Mario: oh please! bowser is a mature and sweet guy...
Bowser: what's up baby? wanna hangout? (Gets beat up by Peach) OW! GOD MY LEG!!! OOOOOOWWWWWW!!! well good luck living with her
Mario: wow, SMG4 hold it! what the hell is this?
SMG4: this is my new pc! sexy isn't it?
Mario: wait this is my house! can i use it too?
SMG4: sure, just don't TOUCH ANYTHING!
Mario: I won't break it! I just want to see it...shiny....what does this button do? (computer explodes)
Mario: Ohhh....Mama mia...
(SMG4 gets furious)
Mario: i'm just...gonna go check on the others....
SMG4: MOTHER FU-
Lakitu: umm mario, where is the bathroom?
Mario: oh, it's the big dug hole outside
(SMG4 is raging out in the background)
Bowser: WAIT WHAT?! (Outside, Bowser is inside the hole) i'm a diglett :D
Toad: umm...mario...i'm sorta trapped in the basement...
Mario: oh cool! I didn't even know we had a basement!
Toad: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY THEN?! (Sees Minecraftian Villager)
Peach: excuse me mario! i would like to thank you for lending your house for people in need.
mario: oh no problem!....i better get a kiss for this...
Peach: WHAT WAS THAT?!
Mario: NOTHING....
(Doorbell rings)
Peach: i'll get it. hi can i...help...
Royal Inspector: hello! i am the royal inspector from the head of the royal mushroom courts! you must be princess peach
Peach: umm...yes?
Royal Inspector: i am here to check if everything in your castle is running ok. but i cannot find it...unless you don't live anywhere....
Peach: ..........umm...i live here.............
Royal Inspector: then may i ask if ic an check then? ummm...
(Sees commotion of Toad and SMG4 lollygagging around the room, while Mario sings naked.)
Bowser (Falls from ceiling): hi there :D
Royal Inspector: AAAHHHHHHHHH! (runs away)
Mario: Thank you, come again!
Peach: mario....why do you think I'm the princess....
Mario: ummmm... to be a magical person and get captured by ugly monsters?
Peach: NO! TO BE PRETTY AND ORDER EVERYONE AROUND
Mario: ohhh... I thought it was the other way around
(Peach punches Mario off a cliff. Shortly afterwards, Mario comes back to his house)
Mario: ok everyone! i need to set some rules out if we're going to stay at my house!
Lakitu: yay... more useless rules for more fun
Mario: Rule #1: No touching any of my stuff! this includes all my clothes like my pink underwear that I lost...
SMG4: OH GOD! THEN THIS IS YOURS? THOUGHT IT WAS PEACH's!!!!!!!
Mario: Rule #2: no mentioning justin bieber!
Bowser: why can't we mention justin bieber?
Mario: SHUT THE FUCK UP! Rule #3: don't look in that drawer over there...(hints to the brown one)
Toad: why? what's in it? (Sees picture of Mario naked, along with spaghetti wearing pink underwear and bra) AHHHHH! AHHHHHHHH!
(Nighttime)
Lakitu: can we eat something now?
Mario: oh i have everyone's favorite....spaghetti!
(silence)
Lakitu: whatever! let's eat!
SMG4: i thought you couldn't cook...
Mario: I can't. it's 3 weeks old spaghetti :D
(Peach, Toad, Bowser, and Lakitu barf in reply)
(Short while later, Peach is taking a shower)
Toad: mario, is peach taking a shower now?
Mario: yes, i think so...why?...
(Toad and Mario rush in, Mario beating Toad to it and jumping in the shower naked)
Mario: hello princess! mario has joined the party!
Bowser: oh, what's up mario?
Mario: WOAH! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! (runs out naked)
Peach: *sigh* ok, who votes to kick mario out of the house
SMG4: he broke my computer!
Lakitu: he tried to poison me with spaghetti!
Toad: there was a hobo in his basement!
Bowser: he took a shower with me :3 why's everyone so quiet?
Mario: HEY! this is my house! you can't kick me out! can't believe they kicked me out...after giving them food and a home ;_;
Luigi: Mama mia...Ohhh...
Mario: Luigi!
Luigi: Mario! WAAAAH!
Mario: Luigi, what are we going to do? they stole our house!
Luigi: (Mutters something along the lines of revenge)
Mario: revenge! what a good idea luigi! we'll break into our house
Luigi: mama mia!
Mario: Fire! (jumps on roof)
Peach: guys...maybe we shouldn't have kicked mario out...
SMG4: yeah...maybe we should of tapped him in the basement...
Peach: no...really...he did invite us after all...
Bowser: his bed is too small...
Toad: i sorta miss that idiot's rambling...
Lakitu: this place is pretty quiet without him...
Mario: *sniff* they miss me...i knew i was too awesome! (Falls off the roof towards the room) WOAAAAA-
Peach: Listen everybody. Let's bake a deli-
(Mario lands on Peach)
Mario: WAHOO! YOU GUYS COULDN'T RESIST MY SEXINESS!!!
(silence)
Mario:...why isn't anyone talking?
SMG4: mario...look who you're stepping on..
Mario: yes well...peach makes a great doormat
Bowser: good to have you back mario.
Mario: we should celebrate! our new home and family
Lakitu: and how exactly are you going to celebrate?
Mario: by making spaghetti of course!
(everyone tries to tell Mario to not do it, and sets his house on fire)
Mario.....crap....you know what this means! LIVE LIKE HOBOS!!!!
(Mario, Lakitu, Bowser, and Toad dance around, Peach stares into the distance while SMG4 is clearly weirded out and the video ends)