Swagmaster696969696969, usually referred to as Swagmaster or Swag, is one of the two main protagonists of the Guards N' Retards series (alongside Chris Gordman). He is a (possibly mentally challenged) guard who works at Fresh Spaghetti Tubbie with his friend Chris (although the latter may not consider him a friend). He appears in the Guards N' Retards series and in R64: Mario and the retarded spaghetti factory, as well as reappearing alongside Chris in SMG4: Mario And... The Well and making a cameo in SMG4 Christmas 2018: The Most Important Thing. He and Chris were the main antagonists of SMG4: Mario's Prison Escape. They were also the secondary antagonists of Part 1 of The Anime Arc, before redeeming themselves in Part 2.
Swagmaster is arrogant, unintelligent, cocky, and tends to be uncaring and mean towards others. He prefers to screw around instead of doing what he is supposed to be doing, which is one of the main reasons why he and Chris get into so much trouble most of the time as guards working at the spaghetti factory. On some rare occasions where he is focused on the task at hand, he is very resourceful and can get out of many sticky situations with his quick thinking.
He is obsessed with (way too much) breasts, as shown in Guards N' Retards: The Butt Ninja, where his dying wish is for Chris to bring him breasts, claiming that only boobs can save him, and in Guards N' Retards: Pointy Things, where Swag's pursuit of the Pointy Boob Lady is part of the cause of the conflict.
On occasion, Swagmaster appears to enjoy singing while he is goofing around; however, he is apparently tone-deaf, as the characters around him start to panic and cringe in pain whenever he sings, making their ears bleed.
He also seems to have a dislike for anime as shown in SMG4: Mario's Prison Escape, stating that the van that Saiko Bichitaru is in needs to be immediately destroyed since it had "anime on board". In SMG4: The Inkling Disappearances though there's a scene which shows him and two anime scenes, where he says that "he has seen too much" and explains that because of that, he is probably going to have difficulties in coming back to "civilian life", probably meaning that either he actually grew to like anime (though it's most likely a love-hate feeling) ever since it was banned, or has been traumatized by it, given that when he sees Saiko again, he claims he's having Vietnam War flashbacks again.
Swagmaster and Chris made their debuts in the episode, Swagmaster was watching 101 Ways for Mario to Die (The Right Way!) 50,000 subs!. Chris did not like Swagmaster's video choice and it almost led to both of them shooting at each other, just for Greg to appear. This resulted in them shooting him instead and laughing it off. Suddenly, Mario entered the room asking for spaghetti, freaking out Swagmaster due to thinking he saw fat-a$$ Justin Bieber before shooting at him.
Swagmaster and Chris made a cameo appearance where they appeared as contestants in a pet show hosted by Toadsworth. Swagmaster was wearing a Mareep costume.
After Mario had run out of spaghetti. He went to the spaghetti factory demanding making more. Swagmaster and Chris noticed that there was no more spaghetti coming out of the production line. Chris thought Swag just shoved his head in there again, but Swag denied it, stating that the spaghetti machine must be broken. Chris realized that the only way to get the machine working again was to go down and fix it, but Swag refused to go because of a rumor of a mutated spaghetti living underground. Chris told Swag that if that was the case, they needed someone dumb enough to go down. Mario was assigned for the job, activating the spaghetti machine in the said basement, without getting full instructions first.
Mario managed the activate the machine, while Swagmaster was messing around praying for the spaghetti to come out much to Chris's annoyance when Mario was thrown up at the same time spaghetti was shot out of the said belt. Swagmaster was surprised said prayers worked and claimed he was a god. As Mario asked if he could have spaghetti, Swagmaster said no as he claimed he did all the hard work Mario actually did. Feeling outraged, Mario threw Swagmaster down the hole, where he would get revenge on him. He then realized ??? (somehow alive) next to him. He declared he was a god to him, with the episode ending with ???, thinking Swagmaster was indeed a god, praised him for it.
Mario and the SMG4 crew are rescuing Fishy Boopkins from being trapped in a well. Saiko Bichitaru and Meggy appears in a fire truck. Meggy declared the Woomy Brigade was here to help, and Mario was impressed at the fact Meggy was a firefighter and asked where she got the truck. Meggy was initially hesitant to answer, so Saiko bluntly admitted they stole it despite Meggy insisting they "borrowed" it. It was later revealed the firetruck was stolen from Swagmaster where he noticed Meggy and Saiko with the fire truck he stole from the government. He asked Chris if he should tell them he replaced the water with vodka, but Chris said not to and let everyone be happy.
When the Mario Bros., Boopkins and Bob Bobowski were sentenced in prison. They later Swagmaster and Chris now hired as prison guards, with the former mocking them and refusing to let them out. After Mario punched Swag in the groin in retribution, Swag instantly got angry and opened the cell door to engage Mario in a fight. After getting annoyed, Chris then pointed out to Luigi that it was ironic that they both have to deal with mentally retarded people in their lives, with Luigi agreeing.
Mario later attempted to escape by climbing over the fence, only to be shot by Swag wielding a rocket launcher. Despite Chris' protests, Swag proceeded to shoot Mario again, setting the plumber on fire, much to Luigi's dismay. While the Mario Bros, Boopkins and Bob later escaped through the air vents by making a distraction in the cafeteria, Swag, Chris and some other guards tried to calm everyone down. However, Mario was a little too big for the vent and got stuck, revealing the plan to the guards. With no other choice, Chris gave Swag permission to kill them, which Swag agreed while carrying what seemed to be a giant-spiked hammer-pickaxe hybrid, ready to "banish some scrubs from existence". After failing to catch the crew in the air vents, they later chased after the getaway truck driven by Tari accompanied by Meggy and Saiko. Grabbing a car off-screen, Chris chased them with Swag at the top carrying a rocket launcher with them (during the chase, Swag freaked out at Saiko's presence and wanted to kill her). After many failed attempts at trying to get them off their trail, the gang got shot down by missiles, causing the truck to stop. Boopkins tried to get them to stop, which didn't work. As they were about to be shot down by another missile, Mario woke up, and hallucinating the missile to be the poisoned soup he ate earlier, used Boopkins to throw the missile back at Chris and Swag, blowing them up.
Prior to the events of this blooper, Swag and Chris kicked some aliens. The aliens came to the Mushroom Kingdom and create pingas-capturing doors. One of those doors lands on Chris and Swag's tank.
After Sonic the Hedgehog caused a massive power outage, the government attempts to apprehend Sonic and have Swagmaster and Chris to chase after him. He came across Mario who is now caught in the turmoil, and both hide in a Blockbuster, where Chris and Swagmaster are asking Dr. Eggman for assistance. Now that both the military and Eggman are after him, Mario suggests disguising Sonic as a girl and agrees to go on a date with Swagmaster, which he mistakes Sonic for an actual girl and immediately falls in love with him. Sonic does not feel the same way. Once Dr. Eggman later reveals Sonic's true identity, Swagmaster proclaims that it's on the inside that counts, and the military had now dropped Sonic from their sight. Just as Sonic was grateful for no longer being hunted down by the government, Swagmaster took Sonic on a honeymoon.
They made minor appearance in the episode, where Saiko watches Chris and Swag attempt to stop it and remarks that they need to launch something with the power of ten nukes at Beeg SMG4.
Mario helps Siren Head fitting in society. Siren Head finally got a job with the Rockford Fire Department, whose members Chris and Swagmaster are part of. Responding to an apartment fire in Rockford City, he managed to put out the fire easily by just spitting water from its mouth. Swagmaster praised him for his efforts, in which unbeknownst to him, decided to form a team that he calls the Woomy Fire Brigade, leaving a heart-broken Meggy nearby.
Swag narrates a part of this blooper. Chris pauses the video and asks what they are doing on the set. Swag says that because they weren't in the YouTube Arc, he threatened SMG4 to give them some screen time and it was the best he could give them. In response, Chris says "Fair enough".
Princess Peach declares anime and Japanese pop-culture to be a bad influence on the citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom and permanently bans it. Due to Mario, Tari, Fishy Boopkins, and Bob Bobowski, antics with Anime resulting the kingdom to be destroyed.
Anime Secret Service (aka "A.S.S") is then establish to destroy all remaining Japanese pop-culture in the Kingdom. Mario and Boopkins were hired by Francis to help in smuggling anime out of the Mushroom Kingdom. Due to being fired as prison guards, Swagmaster and Chris were recruited as lieutenants to the organization. They later made a set up to catch Mario and Boopkins.
When Mario and Boopkins were later tasked taking crates of anime-related contraband to a warehouse, Swagmaster and Chris disguised as under-covered employees. Unfortunately, Swag blows his cover as Mario recognizes his voice. As a last resort, Swag calls the A.S.S agents for an ambush, once again joined by SMG4 as second-in-command. SMG4 then tells Swag to stand down (as the latter wants revenge against Mario and Boopkins for getting him and Chris fired from being prison guards) and let him talk with his friends. SMG4 then tells Mario and Boopkins to surrender, but Mario responds by grabbing a plush doll, holding SMG4 in a half-nelson and threatening to turn him into a "Weeaboo" (People with Japanophilia, appreciation and love of Japanese culture) with the doll if not left alone. Despite having him outgunned, the A.S.S are forced to comply (though Swag wanted to kill SMG4 with his rocket launcher if it meant killing Mario), while Boopkins distracts them to make their escape. Swag and Chris then agreed to lie to Peach that SMG4 betrayed them and call it a day.
After Fishy Boopkins, SMG4, Saiko, Bob, and the manga artist, Axol arrive back to the Mushroom Kingdom from Japan. Swagmaster and Chris denies Saiko's entry. Axol then draws up some anime characters which run past the guards and distract them long enough for Saiko and the others to slip by. Bob Bobowski hijacks a bus and SMG4 gets in the driver's seat.
As Axol, the SMG4 crew, and the Anime Cartel prepares to storm Peach's Castle to un-ban Japanese pop-culture in the Mushroom Kingdom. They later came across Swagmaster who was guarding the Main Hall. He saw them and attempted to capture them. Boopkins hoped that Luigi and Bob were ready to blow up the floor which after a delay due to Bob, whom had misplaced the detonator and couldn't find it, Axol used his pen to knock off Swagmaster and when he got up to try to stop them again, Mario knocked him down again. Fortunately, Bob found the detonator and both he and Luigi retreated, causing Swagmaster to fall into the hole. With all agents taken down, Mario, Bob, and Boopkins headed to Peach's room.
After convincing Peach to un-ban anime and the Anime Secret Service to be dissolved, Chris later finds Swagmaster who said he wasn't feeling good and subsequently "died" when the badge on him disappears. Of course, after Chris comments that they no longer have a job, Swagmaster jokes on how Chris could go back to doing an inappropriate activity for another old job just to be punched by Chris.
Swag and Chris were walking out from a building, carrying out boxes with anime stuff and discussing their further plans on life. Swag confesses to Chris that he probably will have a hard time coming back to civilian life, considering that he "has seen too much", implying that anime has become his life ever since a while ago. The two suddenly bump into Saiko, and Swag ends up panicking and "having Vietnam flashbacks".
Saiko then requests them to help, but Chris and Swag doubt that, with the former stating that they're now jobless and (kind of) blames the SMG4 crew for it. Boopkins explains that Inklings were mysteriously kidnapped from Inkopolis, including their friend Meggy, and the group needs some experts to find the kidnappers. Chris then asks Swag if he's going to help the group. Swag rejects it, but then Chris reminded the latter that he made a promise to save the world from "Weeaboos" when he joined A.S.S. so Swag quickly changes his mind and agrees to help them.
After Mario and the rest of SMG4's crew including Meggy's rival Desti discovers they were to Anime Island and come to conclude that Axol is the kidnapper. Both Chris and Swagmaster offers to help for letting them use their boat though Chris rants at Swag for not owning a boat. Swag justifies his opinion and spots a boat docked at the other side of the port, with Mario cheering him on. Swag then starts to act like a pirate. Chris then further reprimanded him for acting like a pirate for the past hour and asking him to prepare for departure. Swag, still acting like an idiot pirate, commands him to walk the plank. Leaving Chris confused, he proceeds to knock him out of the boat. While both Swagmaster and Chris and the SMG4 crew made to Anime Island, they were attack by Godzilla, while Swag points out that the monster looks like his "ex-girlfriend". Godzilla kidnaps Desti and takes her to Anime Island. Saiko tells everybody to stick to the plan and go to Anime Island themselves to try and rescue the two rivals.
While Mario and his friends are still heading towards Anime Island. Swagmaster plays pirates together with Fishy Boopkins and Bob, much to Chris' annoyance. Suddenly, they were once again interrupted by Godzilla, who makes a reappearance following his abduction of Desti. The crew tries to take him down once again, with Saiko and Swag attacking him with their hammers, and multiple ship cannons shooting at him, but, unfortunately, none of their efforts prove successful. After Fishy Boopkins' father Joe Boopkins came and defeated Godzilla. The crew continues their way to Anime Island and prepares for a invasion.
The SMG4 crew invades the beaches on a offense strike on the Anime Cartel. Chris, the commander of his squadron, announces that only 30 seconds are left before their boat finally reaches Anime Island, and tells his mates to clear the bunkers and try their best to get off the beach if they can. As the boat's door opens (with Swagmaster telling Chris that he's scared and Chris replying that he's scared too), the Anime Cartel forces begin to open fire at the boat, killing most of the A.S.S. agents instantly, leaving Mario, Luigi and SMG4 to scream in terror as they get off the boat.
Swagmaster, who is accompanied by Chris, pulls out a rocket launcher and shoots a bullet bill at a bunker, annihilating it, however in response snipers shoot down Chris. A devastated Swagmaster heads over to Chris and asks who's mom he's going to make fun of now. Chris tells him he's fine and that Swag must just kick their arses for him.
Swagmaster, filled with new determination, runs up to the snipers, dodging bullets, jumping over barbed wire, and climbing a hill as he does so before finally reaching the bunker and taking out the two snipers. Swag then enters the bunker and kills more anime characters, but one of the snipers who had survived nearly shoots him dead, but is then stabbed in the butt by Bob. The two then continue fighting.
As the crew encountered Desti being killed from Francis' creations. He begins attacking the SMG4 crew. Bob Bobowski, Chris, and Swagmaster then arrives on a T-34 Soviet Tank and knock off Francis.
Bob and Swagmaster then begin to say their motto, but Chris stops them halfway through and together, they attacked and killed all 100 fake Sephiroth copies with the T-34 Soviet Tank, upsetting Francis. Bob and Swag also sang the What is Love song as the attack commences. After the attack was finished, Bob and Swagmaster fist-bumped while saying "Bruh". Chris then orders them to stop making out and go after Francis, with Swagmaster replying that he is not gay.
The gang then attack Francis, with SMG4's kick, Fishy Boopkins' Snake dakimakura pillow, Tari's rubber ducky Archibald, Mario's uppercut, with Bob, Swagmaster, and Chris finishing off the attack (although they had trouble aiming at first), in which the T-34 Soviet Tank shot a Bullet Bill at him. Francis managed to create a fake copy of Son Goku from Dragon Ball in his Super Saiyan Blue form, Goku used his powers to decimate Bob, Swagmaster, and Chris's Soviet Tank, making Swagmaster upset and Bob angry, since they were planning on going go-karting with it. Axol then creates Ultra Instinct Shaggy, to counter Goku. After defeating both Francis and Goku, Anime Island then explodes, and presumably killing Francis and rest of the Anime Cartel in the process.
Axol's Shaggy creation returns with a new human Meggy, with Swagmaster and the rest of the SMG4 are shocked at her new appearance. Both Swagmaster and Chris were seen attending at Desti's funeral. alongside Meggy, the SMG4 crew and Inkopolis citizens who arrived to pay respects.
Post Anime Arc