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YouTube name: swagmaster69696969696, usually referred to as Swagmaster or Swag, is one of the two main protagonists of the Guards N' Retards series (alongside Chris Gordman).He is a (possibly mentally challenged) guard who works at Fresh Spaghetti Tubbie with his friend Chris(although the latter may not consider him a friend). He appears in the Guards N' Retards series and in Retarded64: Mario and the retarded spaghetti factory, as well as reappearing alongside Chris in SMG4: Mario And... The Well and making a cameo in SMG4 Christmas 2018: The Most Important Thing. He was also the main antagonist of SMG4: Mario's Prison Escape.

Outside of his own series, he, along with Chris, became prominent but recurring characters during the ninth season of SMG4.


Swagmaster is arrogant, unintelligent, cocky, and tends to be uncaring and mean towards others. He prefers to screw around instead of doing what he is supposed to be doing, which is one of the main reasons why he and Chris get into so much trouble most of the time as guards working at the spaghetti factory. On some rare occasions where he is focused on the task at hand, he is very resourceful and can get out of many sticky situations with his quick thinking.

He is obsessed with (way too much) breasts, as shown in Guards N' Retards: The Butt Ninja, where his dying wish is for Chris to bring him breasts, claiming that only that only boobs can save him, and in Guards N' Retards: Pointy Things, where Swag's pursuit of the Pointy Boob Lady is part of the cause of the conflict.

On occasion, Swagmaster appears to enjoy singing while he is goofing around; however, he is apparently tone-deaf, as the characters around him start to panic and cringe in pain whenever he sings, making their ears bleed.

He also seems to have a dislike for anime as shown in SMG4: Mario's Prison Escape, stating that the van that Saiko Bichitaru is in needs to be immediately destroyed since it had "anime on board". In SMG4: The Inkling Disappearances though there's a scene which shows him and two anime scenes, where he says that "he has seen too much" and explains that because of that, he is probably going to have difficulties in coming back to "civilian life", probably meaning that either he actually grew to like anime (though it's most likely a love-hate feeling) ever since it was banned, or has been traumatized by it, given that when he sees Saiko again, he claims he's having Vietnam War flashbacks again.


  • "What you call me?! I'll let you know I am the king of chopanese! Ahh goddamit Chris why did you block my view!"
  • "Who's this douchebag anyway? Is he part of the Wiggles?"
  • "You actually trust the bullsh*t that comes out of my mouth?! When did you stoop so low, Chris?"
  • "Uh, I can explain why is there a rocket launcher up Gavin's butt."
  • "F*ck u penis muncher"
  • "OH SH*T, angry men in underwear, that's my one weakness!!!"
  • "Can you smell that, Chris? Smells like b*tches gonna die tonight."
  • "Hi ho hi ho off to banish some scrubs I go"
  • "Hey Chris If I ever say something as gay as that I want you to shoot me k?"
  • "I was born a weeb hunter and I will die a weeb hunter"
  • "Crap, he's just taking a giant sh*t, right?"
  • "Oh hey boss! Just making patties... definitely no KFC back here."
  • "Hey Chris....can we go work for KFC?"


  • His YouTube name may be based on the name of another YouTuber called "swagmaster69".
  • In the video "The Butt Ninja", he is shown activating two "modes": "ninja stealth mode" and "swag mode".
  • Claims that he needs breasts to survive.
  • His character model is the "St. Petersburg Guard" from GoldenEye 007 for the Nintendo 64.
  • His subtitles are red, similar to Mario's subtitles.
  • Swag is voiced by Microsoft Sam.
  • In "Swag Party Hostages", it is revealed that he can activate a "Mega Swagalicious Pingas", which is a fist that comes from that area.
  • Swagmasters subtitles changed in the video "swag magic."
  • In "swag magic" he is shown that he is number one in "Swag Fu", which is the parody of Kung Fu.
  • Swagmaster is based off Master Chief from Arby 'n' the Chief. However, Swagmaster seems to have better grammar than Chief at times. They also both have annoyingly intelligent partners.
  • Swagmaster sold his soul to a ghost on a week before the events of Swag magic for some ice cream.
  • He had apparently stole a fire truck from the government which was later stolen by Meggy and Saiko Bichitaru during the events of SMG4: Mario And... The Well.
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