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This page is the transcript for Super Mario 64 Bloopers: The Visitor. (2014).
Transcript[]
(A black figure walks to the castle, pulls out a spork)
Figure: It's raping time!
(Cuts to inside the castle)
Toad: Somewhere, beyond this world, IS ADVENTURE! ARE YOU READY? AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(Peach wakes up and comes out of her bedroom)
Peach: Bitch, shut up!
(Toad puts his head down and sad music plays whislt doing it, then walks towards the center of the castle)
Peach: Thank you. (closes door)
(Toad resumes what he is doing)
Toad: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(Toad lands on the ground and stares at the figure that came into the castle)
Toad: My name's Toad! And I like spaghetti!
(The figure charges at Toad)
Toad: Do you want me to make you macaroni?
(After this, a cut sound makes, then the screen turns black, meaning that the figure killed Toad.)
(It is daytime and the camera shows the view of the castle. Mario is seen walking out his door)
Mario: Good morning Mushroom Kingdom!
(Mario eats spaghetti, then puts his butt on Peach, then break dances in Bowser's Lair, Bowser then yells and explodes. Mario then reaches to the bathroom, he gets angry afterwards)
Mario: Toad!!? You've been using the toilet the whole morning!?! You know how long you made me wait! ...Toad? ...You didn't fall asleep or...ahh screw it!
(Mario uses the toilet with Toad's head stuck inside, SMG4 then walks up to Mario)
SMG4: Uhh Mario...?
Mario: Blame Toad! His afro is blocking the toilet!
SMG4: Ok! One...two...three...pull!
(Mario and SMG4 pulls Toad out of the toilet, and witness that he has blood all over his body, they and Luigi then get surprised. Luigi then panics, Mario then hits him)
SMG4: Calm down, Luigi! I'm sure Toad just had a nose bleed or his period!
(Dr. Mario then comes and looks at Toad)
Dr. Mario: ...He's dead...
Luigi: OHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (starts crying) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Luigi crying)
SMG4: Should we...uhh...call the police?
Mario: Ehhh, it's just Toad...
SMG4: Ok. I guess that makes sense.
(Mario then completely locks the entrance shut)
Mario: There Luigi! The scary monsters won't come in anymore.
(Mario dims the lights and Luigi goes to his bed, then a glass break sound is heard, Luigi then looks at the door, the door suddenly is locked)
Luigi: Uhh...SOMEBODY!?
(Luigi shivers, but then gets angry and pulls out his Poltergust 4000)
Luigi: Okie dokey, look out-a! I'M SICK OF THIS SHIT!
(Luigi turns on the Poltergust 4000 and puts on some shades as "Ridin'" by Chamillionaire plays. A figure of Luigi does his Death Stare appears on the screen. Mario then busts the door open)
Mario: GET IN MAH BELLY!
(Luigi gets scared and throws the Poltergust 4000 at Mario)
Mario: Calm down! Jeez...I forgot my spaghetti.
(Mario leaves the room and Luigi then calms down)
Mario: Luigi!
(Mario comes back to the room and has a mask and a chainsaw)
Mario: YOU WANNA SEE MY NEW CHAINSAW AND HOCKEY MASK?!
(Luigi then screams and jumps out the window)
Mario: Oh brother! Mama mia...
Luigi: Eeeee...help me!
(Figure appears, making a sound)
Luigi: Eeeeeeeeee....Stay back! I got a chainsaw!
(Luigi shows his Poltergust 4000, turns it on, pretends it to be a chainsaw to scare away the figure, and makes ominous sounds, possibly chainsaw ones. The figure then charges at Luigi, while Luigi screams, stabs him and shoves him into a toilet)
(The next day, Luigi is in a toliet in the castle with a minister Toad next to him. SMG4 looks shocked but Mario doesn't show any emotion.)
Minister Toad: Here lies Luigi. He ran fast and died a virgin.
SMG4: What is with all these toliet deaths!? D:
Mario: I don't know! But I'm going to call this murderer: the toliet terminator. Don't worry! We got police lookout for anyone holding suspicious toliets!
(Peach enters the castle and pulls out a toliet)
Peach: I don't know how our toilets keep disappearing. I have to keep buying new ones.
(Mario thinks Peach had something to do with the murder and gets angry.)
Mario: GET THAT MOTHERF**KER!!
(A bunch of police officers appear and attack Peach.)
Peach: *screaming* WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
Mario: *proud with himself and starts dancing* Yipee! Yipee!
(SMG4 looks annoyed.)
(scene cuts to various scenes in a camera)
Lakitu: Oh it's a (unintelligible), doh what the fuck?
(he heard a noise)
Lakitu: Ice cream! Ohm ice cream! Oh yeah! Ice cream?
(Lakitu's dad busts through the door)
Lakitu's dad: HEY! HOW'S IT GOING!
(Lakitu screams, then the figure appears)
Lakitu: Oh thank god! I thought you were my dad! He's a really crazy guy!
(The figure proceeds to kill Lakitu)
(Cut to the courtyard where Wario meets the dark figure. He tosses a coin into a toilet just as Wario prepares to attack him, causing him to chase after it.)
Wario: Money money money money money!
(He then gets stuck in the toilet and the figure proceeds to finish the job offscreen.)
(Meanwhile, Waluigi plays the flute in Hyrule after he's done playing he goes on an adventure, then he noticed the figure and tries to run away but the figure catches Waluigi)
(Meanwhile, Steve is having a poo in the toilet room, he jumps off of the toilet and flushes it and he turned around and saw the figure)
Steve: Uuuhhhhh, fine.
(Steve jumps and landed headfirst into the Toilet)
(Meanwhile, back in Peach's Castle, Peach and Toadsworth hear glass smashing and thought the murderer is coming for them. Toadsworth takes Peach to the hallway.)
Toadsworth: Princess! Stay back! I'll take care of this fiend!
(Toadsworth goes out wearing a princess gown and crown.)
Toadsworth: Oh yeah! (la la laing) Come at me, bro! I'm a princess! Sexy and fresh!
(The figure disappears.)
Toadsworth: I'm out of his league! Works every time!
(Toadsworth goes back to check on Peach.)
Toadsworth: Not to worry Princess! You are safe once again!
(Peach is stuffed into the toilet with her legs sticking out)
Heavy: (off-screen) Dead, not big surprise.
Toadsworth: SON OF A BI-
(Cut to a newsman on the news.)
News Reporter: This just in! A new victim has fallen to the Toilet Assassin! Y'all better hide yo kids and hide yo toilets! Cause things are getting serious! Like this one The Police who was drunk but witnessed the crime!
(Cut to a policeman, presumably in an interview, with Yoshi's corpse stuck inside a toilet.)
The Police: He just dropped in...and just...smack 'im like...WHOA-PAH! Dropped down...and said "BAUUUGH!"...then after that...he's dropping...just (unintelligible)...
(Cut back to the newsman, who has stuffed himself in a toilet, waist-down.)
News Reporter: And don't forget to practice playing dead in your toilet just in case he comes to you! To end with good news, the princess is alive, but has some weird mental illness!
(Cut to Princess Peach, who is spazzing out on a hospital bed, with a Toad priest right next to her.)
Princess Peach: OH DO COME, MY KITTY'S GONNA THINK I'M JUMPED ON!
(Cut to SMG4 and Bowser in his lair, where the whole news was being broadcasted on Bowser's television. SMG4 turns the TV off as the screen goes static, before turning to Bowser.)
SMG4: So, you gonna help us find this toilet guy, or what?
(The screen switches to Bowser's stunned face, before he puts his palm and fist together and grunts.)
(Cut to SMG4, Mario and Bowser outside of Peach's Castle.)
Bowser: If you want to catch this guy, you got to have a great defense!
(Mario spots a box fort, and growls in anger.)
Mario: A box fort?!
Bowser: Yeah, I'm sort of broke... blame my old man addiction. Oh well!
(Bowser rushes over to the fort and hides in it, laughing.)
Bowser: I am invincible! Invincible! Yea-!
(Mario throws a Brick Block in Bowser's face, causing him to fall over.)
Bowser: OWWWWW!
(Cut to Peach's Castle at night, where SMG4, Mario and Bowser are in the box fort, with Bowser moving around it while making repeated "dun" sounds.)
Mario: This is stupid.
SMG4: Hey, let the turtle have his fun.
(Bowser continues looking around and saying "dun" over and over again, up until he finds that the figure is right beside him. Bowser shrieks and falls back, and Mario and SMG4 start freaking out.)
SMG4: KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM! OH MY GOD! KILL HIM!
Bowser: Holy shit, what do I do?!
(Bowser gets an idea, with a lightbulb appearing above his head.)
Bowser: OKAY, STAND BACK! I'M ABOUT TO RELEASE MY SUPER DUPER ROBOT WEAPON!
(The camera cuts to and zooms in on Mario's face.)
Mario: Hooohhhh...
(Bowser unleashes a giant, mechanical version of himself.)
Mecha-Bowser: ʙɪᴛᴄʜ, ᴅᴏ ɪᴛ ʟᴏᴏᴋ ʟɪᴋᴇ ɪ ᴄᴀʀᴇ? ɴᴏ!
(Mecha-Bowser breathes forth a stream of fire. Mario looks in shock.)
Mario: Whoa!
(Mecha-Bowser starts to slowly approach the figure, stopping when he gets close enough.)
Mecha-Bowser: ᴡʜᴀᴛ's ᴜᴘ, ғ*ɢ? ᴍʏ ɴᴀᴍᴇ ɪs ʙᴏᴡsᴇʀ ᴀɴᴅ ɪ'ᴍ ɢᴏɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ᴛɪᴄᴋʟᴇ ʏᴏᴜʀ (unintelligible). ʟᴏʟᴏʟᴏʟᴏʟᴏʟᴏʟᴏʟ-
(Mecha-Bowser starts to malfunction, and starts playing a "PINGAS!" remix of the Yoshi's Island theme. Cut to Bowser and a still-surprised Mario.)
Bowser: Well, so... what do you think? Incredible, isn't it?
Mario: BLEEEEUUUGHHHH! (runs off)
(Mecha-Bowser explodes off-screen. The camera then cuts to the figure slowly walking up Bowser, while Mecha-Bowser burns down on the side.)
Bowser: UH-OH...
(Bowser runs away, screaming. As he does so, he hears Princess Peach laughing.)
Peach: (off-screen:) Splendid!
(Bowser grunts in confusion and turns to the princess, who is waving at him.)
Peach: Yes! (giggles) Thank you... thank you!
(Bowser looks at the princess, satisfied. SMG4 appears behind him.)
SMG4: IT'S A TRAP!
(Cut back to the princess.)
Peach: I'm sorry, Mario...
(The figure suddenly appears behind Peach.)
???: BUT YOUR PRINCESS IS IN ANOTHER CASTLE!
(The figure kicks Bowser away and off into the horizon, causing him to yell before exploding. Cut to Mario and SMG4, both with shocked facial expressions.)
Mario: EVERYONE'S DEAD! PEACH, LUIGI, NOW BOWSER! D::::
SMG4: OH GOD! WHY DID BOWSER MAKE THIS CRAPPY FORT!?
(The figure slowly starts to approach them.)
???: Say it...
Mario: ...Uhhh... WHAT!?
(The figure slowly fades to reveal a twitchy-eyed Roprinplup14.)
Roprinplup14: Say happy birthday to me... e_o
Mario: Whoa!
(A few scenes of Super Mario 64 Bloopers: Birthday Freakout. start to appear as a flashback. Cut back to the present.)
Mario: That's right! You're the crazy birthday guy from last year!
Roprinplup14: That's right! And we're going to have the best party ever right!
(A policeman, on the front end of a police car, bursts through the grass.)
The Police: STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPH RIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEREEEE!
(Roprinplup14, off-screen, shoots the policeman.)
Roprinplup14: (off-screen:) NO! (on-screen:) NOT EVEN YOUR PRECIOUS POLICE CAN HELP YOU NOW!!!
(Cut to two policemen on the roof of Peach's Castle. One of them starts talking to the other, who is looking through binoculars with a paper taped on them.)
Police Captain: Any suspicious activities, officer?
(The camera switches to the officer's POV, with a binocular-vision shot of the paper, which has the words "Everything is fine" and a happy face written on it.)
Officer: Everything appears to be fine, sir!
(Cut back to Mario and SMG4, the former of which is freaking out. The Freddy Fazbear's theme from Five Nights at Freddy's starts playing.)
SMG4: OH... SHIT!
(Roprinplup14 slowly approaches towards them, blowing a party horn in his mouth three times as he gets closer and closer. Suddenly, distant screaming can be heard.)
Roprinplup14: What is that noise...?
(Cut to SMG3, in Bowser's Koopa Clown Car, rocketing towards Roprinplup14 to crash into him. He misses, and crashes right into the ground.)
SMG3: D-Did I save the day? Am I a hero? ...
(Cut back to an unimpressed SMG4, and an angry Mario.)
SMG4: No!
Mario: YOU BLEW IT!
(SMG4 approaches a crazed Roprinplup14.)
SMG4: Roprinplup14! Before you violently shove us up toilets... I haven't given you last year's present... Here.
(SMG4 gives Roprinplup14 a wrapped-up present box, making him baby-doll eyed.)
Roprinplup14: Oh my gosh! ...Really?!
(Roprinplup14 opens it, revealing a teddy bear.)
Roprinplup14: :O A teddy bear! This is the best day of my life ;_; I think I'll call you fatty bear...
(Suddenly, the head of a policeman appears in place of the teddy bear's head.)
The Police: BULLSH*T!
Roprinplup14: WHAT THE FUCK?!
(Two other policemen, along with an Old Man wearing a police hat appear from the box fort, knocking Mario away. More start appearing, and all of them start saying stuff like "STAPH RIGHT THERE!", "FREEZE!", "DROP THE GUN IN YOUR PANTS!", and "BULLSH*T!" one after the other. A machine gun appears and starts firing bullets.)
Roprinplup14: Aw, crap!
(Roprinplup14 starts to run away, with the policemen giving chase. The policemen start saying "STAHP RIGHT THERE!", "BULLSH*T!" and "MINE!" multiple times.)
Roprinplup14: RUN, BITCH! RUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!
(Cut back to SMG4 and Mario, both looking shocked.)
SMG4: Well, now that everyone is dead, and he's arrested, what do you want to do now?
Mario: TOILET SHOPPING!
(Cut to Mario and SMG4 dancing around a multicolor-flashing picture of toilets in a shopping aisle, while Running in the 90s plays in the background.)
(Credits.)